I have come to the conclusion that Jeff Conaway is not real. Maybe I'm delusional. Maybe the pound and a half of Vicks Vapor Rub that I have lathered on my face and chest (and pondered eating) over the last three and a half days has finally leaked into my brain and caused some of my sensory neurons to liquefy. Hell, that crap has the power to turn the three tons of silly putty mucus that has been bottlenecking my esophagus and skull cavity into the equivalent of the Euphrates River after a two hour monsoon. Do we really think Vicks Vapor Rub can differentiate between snot and brain matter?
As I look at the label it lists the "Active" ingredients as: Camphor-4.6%, Eucalyptus Oil-1.2%, Menthol-2.6%. There are no inactive ingredients listed. That's right! I've been marinating myself in some crap whose manufacturers only have enough courage to list 8.4% of the ingredients! What if the other 91.6% is some flesh/mucus/brain eating strain of Ebola cells? What if I'm about to die? What if? All right. If I die from a Vicks Vapor Rub overdose consider the following my will. I leave my socks and my underpants to Flipit.
Aim higher, dude.
However, if I am in fact not delusional maybe the following is valid. I have determined that Jeff Conaway is actually a character (not a real person). No one who used to be a functioning, vibrant actor with a bright future can become this annoying and decrepit before age eighty. Clearly this is a made up person who was "written in" to this reality show. This fake persona was/is actually inspired by the crazy lady who throws cats on The Simpsons. Maybe it was the other way around. Maybe the Jeff Conaway character inspired the Simpsons writers to create crazy cat lady.
The point is episode 7 started off with Jeff Conaway skulking down the hall banging his cane into the wall and yelling. "Where's Dr. Drew....where's my medicine...I need to get out of this place...you don't attend to my needs....son of a bitch...I need to talk to my surgeon...". Dr. Drew then had a meeting with Jeff to talk him down and get him to stay in rehab. Please see the six prior episodes of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew (season 2) and/or the entire first season of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew and/or theangriestwhitestmale's recaps of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew for an explanation of this meeting. Since Dr. Drew and Conway have had this exact same conversation about ten times since this show has been on the air about how Jeff can't leave, can't have drugs, can't get more surgery etc., (no joke! It's the same damned thing over and over) we don't think it's productive to repeat it once again in this recap. On the other hand, half of a page on the contents of Vicks Vapor Rub benefits both the readers of TVGASM and the world at large.
After Crazy Cat Lady got done with her fit, Shelly the Resident Tech held an impromptu group session out on the deck. Notable Quotes: Nikki McKibben "I have offers to do shows but I don't know if I could stay sober." My thought-Who the hell goes to see a concert for somebody who came in third on American Idol seven years ago? Steven Adler- "A lot of people want to see me fail." My thought- A lot of people have never heard of you, don't know who you are, and probably care more about getting all this damned snot off their fingers and keyboard than whether or not you "fail" rehab for the fortieth time. Amber Smith-"I have a paralyzing fear of being sober, but on drugs I can do anything". My thought- Anything? I just packed my car up. I have a trapeze, two bottles of Valium and a gallon of Vicks Vapor Rub. I will be at the Pasadena Recovery Center in three days. I will see you then. Stay unwell Amber. Stay unwell.
After the mini-group Dr. Drew proposed that Adler, Stewart, Tawny and Amber go down to skid row and help at a homeless shelter. The thought being that addicts tend to constantly take and drain from those around them and if they can help and uplift people it can break them out of their addiction cycle. Asking Adler and Stewart to do this was a good call. Both of them proved that they don't get the concept of helping/lending a hand/being a team player when they ditched making dinner at the beach last episode.
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Comments (16)
Does TvGasm pay this guy? If so, it's money ill-spent.
1 of 16 | Posted by l_yo | Posted on December 14, 2008 8:54 PM
Please please please get someone else to do these recaps.
2 of 16 | Posted by outofashes | Posted on December 14, 2008 9:55 PM
I was a bit shocked when Amber was saying how she didn't see herself as beautiful and desirable. She is hands down one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.
3 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 15, 2008 5:01 AM
Man, I love coming to TV Gasm to read the recaps because I appreciate the intelligence of the writers, the humour, the sarcasm, the caustic observations, the bitchiness, etc...
Not all recaps are excellent and not all recappers are equal.
That is a good thing.
But, AngryWhateverMan, your writing comes off as poison - just plain mean spirited...I can be pretty cold and jaded but I have to say that this show is quite awesome this season, and well, I have been blown away by some aspects of it. Have a little heart, dude.
Anyway, I am aware that I am the loser reading the recap of the show that I just watched, but hey...
4 of 16 | Posted by FuriousFlipper | Posted on December 15, 2008 6:59 AM
You know, I gotta hand it to you, TheAngriestWhitestMale - I have never seen a recapper with the ability to force people to read their writing, but as the comments show for your recaps, you obviously have a very mystical power, since the same idiots bitch about every recap yet continue to read them. Maybe it is the Vicks?
5 of 16 | Posted by VegasDarling | Posted on December 15, 2008 10:26 AM
Yeah, people need to lay off TAWM. If you don't want to read his recap, there are a lot of others on the site. And if you think you can do a better job, go participate in Auditiongasm and prove it. Otherwise, stfu.
6 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 15, 2008 10:58 AM
Yeah, what Snooty said. TAWM, I do not envy you yet admire your chutzpah for taking on this show. Hope you're feeling better and yes Vick's does liqueify all solid matter in the head and chest areas.
7 of 16 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on December 15, 2008 1:06 PM
I love your recaps, TAWM. And I'm completely in support of the anti-Dickens treatment.
I like what you said about Jeff being written in as a character, Interesting theory. I tend to think he and Vikki/Nikki act for the cameras in an attempt to get more screen time and possibly their own reality show.
I do have to disagree with you on one thing. Just when I thought Jeff couldn't possibly get any more annoying, he pulled out a guitar and performed an original tune. AHHHH!!!! Please, no. Ear poison.
Also, why is Nikki McWhat's-her-name grinding her teeth is that weird horizontal way a la Steven Adler? Adler had a stroke, so it's understandable, but now Nikki? What's that about?
8 of 16 | Posted by procrastinator | Posted on December 15, 2008 1:52 PM
I think she is playing with her tongue piercing. I was wondering the same thing though.
9 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 15, 2008 2:06 PM
"I just need a 40, a pet shop, and a slurpee, and I'm going in." has become my new favorite phrase of all time. Useful in so many situations!
10 of 16 | Posted by lagitha | Posted on December 15, 2008 2:52 PM
Procrastinator and Scootch-
Grinding teeth and clenching jaws are a side effect of smoking crack.
11 of 16 | Posted by lagitha | Posted on December 15, 2008 3:02 PM
Dear TAWM,
If you like Vicks, you may want to try the Vicks-laced Puffs. Best. Product. Ever. Even when you're not sick.
12 of 16 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on December 15, 2008 3:04 PM
Can someone else do the recaps on this show? PPllleeaasseee.......
13 of 16 | Posted by deemarie | Posted on December 16, 2008 9:59 AM
A fine recap.
It is fascinating to wrap my mind around how someone like Amber can not see herself as attractive or worthy.
BTW - I suspect you have one or more personal enemies who attack your writing because they lack the spine to attack you openly.
BTW2 - Of course God knows how the football games will turn out. He also knows how to keep a secret.
Have a Happy and a Merry!
14 of 16 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on December 16, 2008 9:59 AM
Hi there again. Just want to write that I am not a part of a cabal of TheAngriestWhiteMale haters and that I have never criticized these recaps before this week, and I do seek them out and if I don't like them, I don't have to read them. It just seems that Celebrity Rehab has hit a new level with this season, in that it is difficult to not take it seriously and well, find oneself a bit, well, moved by some of the confessionals and struggles. Not to say that Jeff Conway is a real person made up entirely of Amber's supple ass. Ah, me try humour.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I am not writing to attack TAWM on a personal level - the writing is fine - it is just a compassion issue. Ya, that's it.
TAWM should definitely write the Double Shot of Love recaps. Ah, that would be awesome. And fun.
15 of 16 | Posted by FuriousFlipper | Posted on December 17, 2008 7:12 AM
I want to know where Seth is getting all his money to blow on drugs...his band only had like one hit song, right?
16 of 16 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on December 17, 2008 8:08 AM