Stay with me. I don't like Charles Dickens. For this I have been told several times (by more than one person) that I am an uncultured dolt. This may be true. However, I do have a well formulated reason for why I don't like his works. When Dickens wrote, he did, in fact, get paid by the word (no joke). For this reason, Dickens' works are unnecessarily long, repetitive and overly descriptive. If you read A Christmas Carol you will find a three to four page description of every street/room/house that Ebenezer Scrooge walks in or out of. Sometimes you get a flowery break down of the same exact setting, MORE THAN ONCE! Stuff about the color of the grass and the texture of the wallpaper. Bad, bad, boring bad stuff. Don't get me wrong. I like a lot of the screen and stage adaptations of his work. The George C. Scott version of A Christmas Carol is awesome.
Not that it even comes close to this version.
Why does any of this matter? Well, I honestly don't think it is worth my time, (or yours) for me to pull a Dickens and red scribe a scene that (in essence) has already happened. From here forward I will mention these scenes in order to keep everyone informed but I will not go into depth, because, as I said, we have figuratively (and in some respects literally) seen this stuff before. This will cause my recaps to be shorter than others on this site. However, I think it is better to give everyone the fresh juice rather than rotten old fruit. Personally, I actually think it is funnier (and better) for me to give a brief quick and dirty on these "repeated" events. If I were to say "Drew and Jeff had the Jeff wants to go home meeting" again and left it at that isn't your (the listeners) own imaginary version of the crap that takes place during those meetings way funnier than anything I could say.? Now, if Drew and Jeff have an "Jeff wants to go home meeting" where one of them drops their pants, believe me I will give you more than a quick and dirty account.
I always thought Dickens should have said. "Ebenezer then walked down a street that looked exactly like a street in a Charles Dickens novel.
And that, my friends, is how I just earned my sack of money to pay for this year's Christmas presents. Thanks for your time.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Nikki Mc Kibben met with the res tech on the porch about getting back into singing/writing etc. This meeting was exactly like the one I chronicled with McKibben and Drew earlier this episode.
Next came Jeff lying alone on his bed moaning, "..I don't understand why this is happening to me, it hurts my back, it hurts my brain I don't want to deal with this pain.." What happened to his dream from two episodes where God magically cured him? I guess god's power only lasts an episode and a half.
I offer this proposition to Conaway and any of the other people who like to attribute certain things to god when it is convenient and/or when anything out of the ordinary or "miracleish" happens. If god does in fact perform miracles how about this one? If Conaway, or any of the other dopes on this planet who claim to talk to god can call god and get me the correct picks (against the spread) of all of tomorrow and Monday's NFL games (a 6000-1 shot) I will become a DEVOUT follower of Jesus in the Christian denomination of your choice (even if it's a real crazy one like Pentecostal or Jehovah's Witness). I'm dead serious. No takers? I thought so.
During Jeff's bedroom session Drew pulled Sasha Kusina (the resident nurse) aside to discuss Conaway's pain. Kusina believes that he is in "just a little pain". Drew seemed to think his discomfort level was higher but that his impression of his own pain level may be permanently blurred due to his chronic opiate abuse. Basically his body tells him he is in more pain in order to get what it really wants..more opiates. Kusina wondered aloud whether there are any rehab's for "old actors". I'm guessing that's a little too narrow of a market. What's next? The Rockford Center for glue sniffing old ditch diggers? The Grand Rapids Center for sex addicted professional miniature golfers? The Pasadena Center for chocoholic TVGASM writers?
Who the hell's Nikki? How did he get a new girlfriend while he was in rehab? God the vaporub is getting to me.
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Comments (16)
Does TvGasm pay this guy? If so, it's money ill-spent.
1 of 16 | Posted by l_yo | Posted on December 14, 2008 8:54 PM
Please please please get someone else to do these recaps.
2 of 16 | Posted by outofashes | Posted on December 14, 2008 9:55 PM
I was a bit shocked when Amber was saying how she didn't see herself as beautiful and desirable. She is hands down one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.
3 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 15, 2008 5:01 AM
Man, I love coming to TV Gasm to read the recaps because I appreciate the intelligence of the writers, the humour, the sarcasm, the caustic observations, the bitchiness, etc...
Not all recaps are excellent and not all recappers are equal.
That is a good thing.
But, AngryWhateverMan, your writing comes off as poison - just plain mean spirited...I can be pretty cold and jaded but I have to say that this show is quite awesome this season, and well, I have been blown away by some aspects of it. Have a little heart, dude.
Anyway, I am aware that I am the loser reading the recap of the show that I just watched, but hey...
4 of 16 | Posted by FuriousFlipper | Posted on December 15, 2008 6:59 AM
You know, I gotta hand it to you, TheAngriestWhitestMale - I have never seen a recapper with the ability to force people to read their writing, but as the comments show for your recaps, you obviously have a very mystical power, since the same idiots bitch about every recap yet continue to read them. Maybe it is the Vicks?
5 of 16 | Posted by VegasDarling | Posted on December 15, 2008 10:26 AM
Yeah, people need to lay off TAWM. If you don't want to read his recap, there are a lot of others on the site. And if you think you can do a better job, go participate in Auditiongasm and prove it. Otherwise, stfu.
6 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 15, 2008 10:58 AM
Yeah, what Snooty said. TAWM, I do not envy you yet admire your chutzpah for taking on this show. Hope you're feeling better and yes Vick's does liqueify all solid matter in the head and chest areas.
7 of 16 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on December 15, 2008 1:06 PM
I love your recaps, TAWM. And I'm completely in support of the anti-Dickens treatment.
I like what you said about Jeff being written in as a character, Interesting theory. I tend to think he and Vikki/Nikki act for the cameras in an attempt to get more screen time and possibly their own reality show.
I do have to disagree with you on one thing. Just when I thought Jeff couldn't possibly get any more annoying, he pulled out a guitar and performed an original tune. AHHHH!!!! Please, no. Ear poison.
Also, why is Nikki McWhat's-her-name grinding her teeth is that weird horizontal way a la Steven Adler? Adler had a stroke, so it's understandable, but now Nikki? What's that about?
8 of 16 | Posted by procrastinator | Posted on December 15, 2008 1:52 PM
I think she is playing with her tongue piercing. I was wondering the same thing though.
9 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 15, 2008 2:06 PM
"I just need a 40, a pet shop, and a slurpee, and I'm going in." has become my new favorite phrase of all time. Useful in so many situations!
10 of 16 | Posted by lagitha | Posted on December 15, 2008 2:52 PM
Procrastinator and Scootch-
Grinding teeth and clenching jaws are a side effect of smoking crack.
11 of 16 | Posted by lagitha | Posted on December 15, 2008 3:02 PM
Dear TAWM,
If you like Vicks, you may want to try the Vicks-laced Puffs. Best. Product. Ever. Even when you're not sick.
12 of 16 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on December 15, 2008 3:04 PM
Can someone else do the recaps on this show? PPllleeaasseee.......
13 of 16 | Posted by deemarie | Posted on December 16, 2008 9:59 AM
A fine recap.
It is fascinating to wrap my mind around how someone like Amber can not see herself as attractive or worthy.
BTW - I suspect you have one or more personal enemies who attack your writing because they lack the spine to attack you openly.
BTW2 - Of course God knows how the football games will turn out. He also knows how to keep a secret.
Have a Happy and a Merry!
14 of 16 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on December 16, 2008 9:59 AM
Hi there again. Just want to write that I am not a part of a cabal of TheAngriestWhiteMale haters and that I have never criticized these recaps before this week, and I do seek them out and if I don't like them, I don't have to read them. It just seems that Celebrity Rehab has hit a new level with this season, in that it is difficult to not take it seriously and well, find oneself a bit, well, moved by some of the confessionals and struggles. Not to say that Jeff Conway is a real person made up entirely of Amber's supple ass. Ah, me try humour.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I am not writing to attack TAWM on a personal level - the writing is fine - it is just a compassion issue. Ya, that's it.
TAWM should definitely write the Double Shot of Love recaps. Ah, that would be awesome. And fun.
15 of 16 | Posted by FuriousFlipper | Posted on December 17, 2008 7:12 AM
I want to know where Seth is getting all his money to blow on drugs...his band only had like one hit song, right?
16 of 16 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on December 17, 2008 8:08 AM