Bob Forrest then sat down with Nikki to write some songs. In addition to being a counselor, Forrest is also an accomplished musician. Mc Kibben mentioned that she had only written one song, called Naked Inside. I have never heard this song. However, I know that it sucks. The title alone reminds me of the crappy poetry written by kids whose parents have just gotten divorced. Have you ever read any of that stuff? Bad! It has titles like Death of Myself or Pain in My Soul or Mommy and Daddy got Gang Raped and Murdered by a Gang of Somali Pirates off the Coast of Cameroon. Plus, aren't you supposed to be "naked" inside? I'm no doctor, I'm just an old glue sniffing ditch digger but I think it would be a problem if one would have, let's say, a jean jacket with a Pantera patch underneath your skin, in close proximity to vital organs. That being said, if you did have a jean jacket underneath your skin you wouldn't be living the horror of being "naked inside" that was so deftly chronicled in Nikki McKibben's worldwide number one hit Naked Inside. P.S. as far as I can tell no writing was done during Bob and Nikki's "writing session. Whew!
At least neither Bob or Nikki smoked crack. For that we got Seth Binzer. Seth and his sponsor went to a convenience store and got something called a "glass rose" which (as far as I can tell) is a small (fake or real) miniature rose in a glass cylinder. The ultimate use for Seth and others is as a crack pipe. Seth put crack in his pipe and smoked it. While there are many things funny about smoking crack; I don't feel I am qualified as some of the experts who have spoken about this subject in the past. Please refer to the works of Dennis Leary, Chris Rock and the work and life of Richard Pryor for your crack smoking humor needs.
After a commercial break Seth smoked some crack in the woods. Please refer to the works of Jeff Foxworthy for all of your smoking crack in the woods humor needs.
You know you're a redneck when you pee out the shape of a Jack Russell Terrier in the desert while you're smokin' crack out of a rose pipe.
What do we need after crack in the woods? Group therapy. This group session was the Sean Stewart show. He talked about how his first girlfriend cheated on him and broke up with him. He talked about a period of time where he couldn't get an erection. He talked about how he feels like less of a man. He talked about being scared of women due to his sexual problems. To rectify this last situation Drew told him to ask the three women in the group questions. In front of the group! To me, this would be the worst thing you could do. Who wants to talk to the hot chicks about their dick problems? Again, what do I know? Amber Smith said she would be very insecure about herself if a guy had dick problems with her.
Not helping.
Stewart then mentioned that when he was eleven someone told him he was "a waste of egg and sperm". When pressed as to who said this his answer was bleeped out. Because his dad is famous I'm going to guess his dad (Rod Stewart) but who knows.
Amber Smith then offered up that after she got pregnant and had an abortion she became very promiscuous. If you need any abortion humor please refer to the work of...oh wait, there is no such thing as abortion humor because abortion isn't funny.
Smith then said that during this time (and for the majority of her life) she felt like she wasn't pretty. She was then reassured by many of the male members of the group that she was, in fact pretty. Rodney kept on repeating "you really do have a supple ass". I agreed with him at first but he said it like fifty times and it kind of became annoying.
Enough, Rodney!
After group Nikki showed Bob Forrest lyrics for a song she wrote called Beautiful Disaster. The problem is a million people (including the person who beat her in American Idol, Kelly Clarkson) have already written songs called Beautiful Disaster. What's next? Is she going to "write" a song called Mary Had a Little Lamb?
In reaction to Nikki, Jeff pulled out a guitar and played a song he had written long ago called Things Go Wrong. It was sort of cheesy, but not bad for an opiate addled half actor/teacher.
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Comments (16)
Does TvGasm pay this guy? If so, it's money ill-spent.
1 of 16 | Posted by l_yo | Posted on December 14, 2008 8:54 PM
Please please please get someone else to do these recaps.
2 of 16 | Posted by outofashes | Posted on December 14, 2008 9:55 PM
I was a bit shocked when Amber was saying how she didn't see herself as beautiful and desirable. She is hands down one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.
3 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 15, 2008 5:01 AM
Man, I love coming to TV Gasm to read the recaps because I appreciate the intelligence of the writers, the humour, the sarcasm, the caustic observations, the bitchiness, etc...
Not all recaps are excellent and not all recappers are equal.
That is a good thing.
But, AngryWhateverMan, your writing comes off as poison - just plain mean spirited...I can be pretty cold and jaded but I have to say that this show is quite awesome this season, and well, I have been blown away by some aspects of it. Have a little heart, dude.
Anyway, I am aware that I am the loser reading the recap of the show that I just watched, but hey...
4 of 16 | Posted by FuriousFlipper | Posted on December 15, 2008 6:59 AM
You know, I gotta hand it to you, TheAngriestWhitestMale - I have never seen a recapper with the ability to force people to read their writing, but as the comments show for your recaps, you obviously have a very mystical power, since the same idiots bitch about every recap yet continue to read them. Maybe it is the Vicks?
5 of 16 | Posted by VegasDarling | Posted on December 15, 2008 10:26 AM
Yeah, people need to lay off TAWM. If you don't want to read his recap, there are a lot of others on the site. And if you think you can do a better job, go participate in Auditiongasm and prove it. Otherwise, stfu.
6 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 15, 2008 10:58 AM
Yeah, what Snooty said. TAWM, I do not envy you yet admire your chutzpah for taking on this show. Hope you're feeling better and yes Vick's does liqueify all solid matter in the head and chest areas.
7 of 16 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on December 15, 2008 1:06 PM
I love your recaps, TAWM. And I'm completely in support of the anti-Dickens treatment.
I like what you said about Jeff being written in as a character, Interesting theory. I tend to think he and Vikki/Nikki act for the cameras in an attempt to get more screen time and possibly their own reality show.
I do have to disagree with you on one thing. Just when I thought Jeff couldn't possibly get any more annoying, he pulled out a guitar and performed an original tune. AHHHH!!!! Please, no. Ear poison.
Also, why is Nikki McWhat's-her-name grinding her teeth is that weird horizontal way a la Steven Adler? Adler had a stroke, so it's understandable, but now Nikki? What's that about?
8 of 16 | Posted by procrastinator | Posted on December 15, 2008 1:52 PM
I think she is playing with her tongue piercing. I was wondering the same thing though.
9 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 15, 2008 2:06 PM
"I just need a 40, a pet shop, and a slurpee, and I'm going in." has become my new favorite phrase of all time. Useful in so many situations!
10 of 16 | Posted by lagitha | Posted on December 15, 2008 2:52 PM
Procrastinator and Scootch-
Grinding teeth and clenching jaws are a side effect of smoking crack.
11 of 16 | Posted by lagitha | Posted on December 15, 2008 3:02 PM
Dear TAWM,
If you like Vicks, you may want to try the Vicks-laced Puffs. Best. Product. Ever. Even when you're not sick.
12 of 16 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on December 15, 2008 3:04 PM
Can someone else do the recaps on this show? PPllleeaasseee.......
13 of 16 | Posted by deemarie | Posted on December 16, 2008 9:59 AM
A fine recap.
It is fascinating to wrap my mind around how someone like Amber can not see herself as attractive or worthy.
BTW - I suspect you have one or more personal enemies who attack your writing because they lack the spine to attack you openly.
BTW2 - Of course God knows how the football games will turn out. He also knows how to keep a secret.
Have a Happy and a Merry!
14 of 16 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on December 16, 2008 9:59 AM
Hi there again. Just want to write that I am not a part of a cabal of TheAngriestWhiteMale haters and that I have never criticized these recaps before this week, and I do seek them out and if I don't like them, I don't have to read them. It just seems that Celebrity Rehab has hit a new level with this season, in that it is difficult to not take it seriously and well, find oneself a bit, well, moved by some of the confessionals and struggles. Not to say that Jeff Conway is a real person made up entirely of Amber's supple ass. Ah, me try humour.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I am not writing to attack TAWM on a personal level - the writing is fine - it is just a compassion issue. Ya, that's it.
TAWM should definitely write the Double Shot of Love recaps. Ah, that would be awesome. And fun.
15 of 16 | Posted by FuriousFlipper | Posted on December 17, 2008 7:12 AM
I want to know where Seth is getting all his money to blow on drugs...his band only had like one hit song, right?
16 of 16 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on December 17, 2008 8:08 AM