It's been a little while since I've dealt with the beautiful mess that can be called Celebreality on VH1, and since House has been on a "hiatus" (new episodes Jan. 29th!!! (I'm not really THAT excited about it)) I thought it would be good to return to my roots. And oh how rewarding that was. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Celebrity Rehab.
Ok, so let's catch up a little bit since last week was the first episode. First guest is Jeff Conaway, from Grease and Taxi, and he is addicted to, uh, incontinence? And incoherence? I don't really know. Some coke? He's really, really messed up (and I missed the first ten minutes of the first episode).
Next is Chyna. Chyna has a hodgepodge of addictions. It's like a grab-bag. Oh, I pulled out bulimia? I was hoping for sex. She is also addicted to alcohol, but she says she doesn't really think it's that big of a problem. The great thing about watching shows like this is that I get a bunch of new excuses as to why I don't have a problem with alcohol. Yes I drink before work...because it gets me through the day!!!
Brigitte Nielsen is addicted to alcohol. Mary Carey is addicted to sex and alcohol. I guess. Daniel Baldwin is a former addict wanting to keep straight, but he may or may not have relapsed. Seth "Shifty" from Crazy Town is addicted to coke. Jaimee Foxworth from Family Matters is addicted to pot. Pot? Are you kidding me? Pot isn't an addiction. Have you ever sucked dick for pot? Well, she did a little porn. So probably. American Idol finalist Jessica is addicted to painkillers (I think) and alcohol. Definitely alcohol.
Something tells me this didn't work out so well for her.
Ok, so last week Jeff was going through withdrawals, so they took him to the hospital. And, wow, he's got quite the laundry list. Oxycontin, Xanax, alcohol, coke. He's in bad shape. Dr. Drew wants to let him get cleaned out a little bit at the hospital before he heads back to rehab.
Allow me to interrupt for a second. I'm an avid fan of Intervention on A&E. It's incredibly entertaining. But the show usually stops where the intervention ends, and then everybody detoxes, we see no withdrawals, and then people are either clean or relapse because they suck. Personally, I love that. I'm a little squeamish when it comes to uh, people puking (non-alcohol related), so this episode could be a little bit of a roller coaster ride, since it appears it will focus on people detoxing. Fantastic.
Jeff is in some serious pain, and Dr. Drew reiterates that they're trying to clean him out, so they can't give him any opiates. Sorry Jeff, remember this pain. Or maybe think about Rizzo. She was not attractive. Before the doc leaves, he says to make Jeff sleep through the detox, because he may have taken something. Going back to last week, everybody looked pretty freaked out when Jeff was taken away, so it will be interesting to see how everyone is affected.
It hurts on the inside.
Jessica, Mary and Daniel are all talking, and Mary seems a little drunk. But she brings up her confiscated porn and dildo collection. It's the first night and she's already going through withdrawals. Sidenote: if there is a physical reaction to sex withdrawals, I don't want to know about it. And I certainly don't want to see Mary go through them.
Dr. Drew (who I think is awesome right now. It's the second episode, and because he's a functioning doctor (and it's just general practice perhaps? But I think he's the man. What is this man crush?) says that the first 24 hours of rehab are the worst, because once you get in bed, you come down off your high. Then you detox. And detox can be fatal, especially alcohol. Another reason why I refuse to sober up. I mean, I don't have a problem with alcohol. So what if I black out for days at a time? It's my life!
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Comments (11)
Oh my jesus. I've been reading tvgasm for years but this recap forced me to make an account.
It might be because this show is a wonderful TRAINWRECK. WTF Jeff, die already.
Treadingonme! I choked at "Sugar. Baby." and the comment on how delicious coke is. Puh-lease keep recapping!
1 of 11 | Posted by emes1 | Posted on January 18, 2008 7:33 AM
So glad you are recapping this, Treadingonme! (Why do I still think your recapper name has something to do with gnomes?)
I totally understand your man crush on Dr. Drew, because he is the man. I have a total girl crush for him. I'm so looking forward to the rest of this season and your recaps.
Sugar. Baby. LOL
2 of 11 | Posted by angiemarie | Posted on January 18, 2008 9:15 AM
Great recap! When I first saw the advertisements for this show, I thought, "oh, for shame, vh1, what a terrible thing to exploit" ... but I've always thought highly of Dr. Drew (read some of work before loveline) ... so didn't want it to be that disrespectful.
Hopefully the show can be helpful to others ... and entertaining to the rest of us, yikes! This makes the hardship of having to watch the weather channel for 8 hours straight due to not knowing where the remote is when hungover seem like a resort vacation! :)
Really looking forward to the recaps (and good call on there clearly not being any mirrors on sight!)
3 of 11 | Posted by chelle | Posted on January 18, 2008 10:38 AM
TOM! Thank you for recapping this show--great job! The show is...um...entertaining isn't the right word. Captivating? Yeah, that's it.
And my best guess at what happened when Mary looked so weird during the fart scene was that they were bored so they decided to see if she could put her makeup on with her feet? She looked like a mental patient. Well, I guess she sort of is.
4 of 11 | Posted by RachWho? | Posted on January 18, 2008 1:16 PM
great recap,OMG can't beleive that guy is kenike from grease,I so had a crush on him b4 ,that is just so sad.
P.s what he was having was tremors not seizures
5 of 11 | Posted by mspaige81 | Posted on January 18, 2008 2:02 PM
YAY! I am soooooooo glad Tom is recapping again! Back where you belong babe!
Loved the recap - but that's not at all surprising, always loved your recaps.
YAY!
6 of 11 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on January 18, 2008 5:02 PM
Oh TOM, I'm so happy you're recapping this show. You've got a fan club here!
I had a friend who was a pro detoxer and when he knew he was going tp rehab, he'd drink as much as he could before he got there.... he'd drink in the car on the way there cuz he knew that would be it and detox was just like Jeff's, but they would give him valium to get thru it. (Ilove valium).... and I agree with you... pot is NOT addictive....
7 of 11 | Posted by chooch850 | Posted on January 18, 2008 6:06 PM
That all made me queasy until your last funny caption. Cohen brothers? I'm sure Joel and Ethan Coen would think it was funny too.
Or maybe you know something?
I'm just ribbing you. Kudos for even watching this. I don't think I could.
8 of 11 | Posted by geewits | Posted on January 19, 2008 2:11 AM
I just saw Celeb Rehab for the first time yesterday - I love this forums recaps.
How can Jeff be functioning enough to even have a girlfriend? He is a mess.
9 of 11 | Posted by MorningGlory | Posted on January 20, 2008 8:18 AM
As far as Jeff's girlfriend... I'm sure she doesn't really expect any "romance" from Jeff. I would assume that she is just hanging around for the drugs and any Kenickie/Bobby money that is left.
10 of 11 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on January 20, 2008 11:00 AM
money left, ha that is funny wintersux.
Tom,. They like you, THEY REALLY LIKE YOU!!
I am happy someone took up the challenge of getting us freaks that watch this show throught the process. We will all need a group to recover and you are the best possible group facilitator for us, Thanks.
11 of 11 | Posted by giffordsaz | Posted on January 23, 2008 8:23 AM