Last week on Charm School... Ummm... Yeah, I think I took a nap or something because it was the most boring hour of television since round one of the Westminster Dog Show. In the end 3bay chose to go home, and no one was brought back, leaving us with only five ho's left to battle it out for the diploma.
We open on another bright and sunny day in Charm School. The birds are singing, the chipmunks are frolicking, and Bubbles is cleaning the bathroom. Can you feel the excitement brewing? I know I can.
Marcia is having a really rough time with the whole sobriety thing, so she decides to call her good friend Maria. I guess Maria was on Rock Of Love with her, and I watched that entire season of Whore Bus and I cannot remember who the hell she was. Since doing research isn't in my job description I'm going to assume she was the model that got all sick and then went home. VH1 is kind enough to show us a picture of her, but it doesn't really help.
Marcia whines that the other girls drink in front of her and she's worried that she's gonna crack. Maria gives her a pep talk about hanging in there and graduating and how she can do it. Marcia says the pep talk really helped, but she pronounces it "Pap talk" and that just makes me think of a speculum doling out motherly advice.
Ricki drags everyone out of bed by announcing over the intercom that it's time for their next lesson. Kip complains about having to wake up early, and says she dropped out of high-school so she wouldn't have to deal with mornings. Is anyone else shocked to learn that you don't need a diploma to dance on a pole? I bet the girls with diplomas earn twice as much for taking their tops off. Or at least that's what my guidance counselor led me to believe.
The ladies make their way to the lecture hall, and Stryker tells them that the eighth commandment is, "Thou Shalt Give it Thy All." These commandments aren't even worth making fun of anymore. Let's just try and learn and grow and stuff. Stryker talks about determination and drive and not giving up, and introduces this week's guest speaker.
April talks about how in life sometimes we all fall down, and she asks the class what it took to motivate them to get back up when they fell. For me it's fear of being trampled, along with the general discomfort of staying on the floor, but the ladies all roll off answers like their children and their families and stuff. Yeah, yeah, very heartwarming. You'll get back up for your kids, but not being a huge skank on national television is asking a bit too much I guess.
April talks about how she's always been a runner, but in college she was in a train accident. And then she does this:
Her actual quote here is, "When I woke up from the accident, my leg had fallen off." Umm... Okay, I know you're an inspiration and I respect you and everything, but I'm pretty sure your leg didn't fucking fall off. Maybe it was severed, maybe it was crushed, and maybe it was amputated, but there's no medical way that it fell off unless you had leprosy.
Kip reminds me why I used to think she was awesome by simply commenting, "Nice shoes."
April talks about how she thought she'd never be able to run track again and felt like her life was over, but then she got back up and started running again. Good for her. I have two fully functional legs and I won't run unless I'm chasing the ice cream truck or being chased by rabid dogs or something. If I lost a limb I would consider that my all-expenses paid ticket to morphine-ville and 16 hours a day of reality television. I'm not what you would call a go-getter.
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Comments (12)
It's not your fault, Mik, the recaps are great and spot on. It's just that this show sucks so sorrily.
I'm fed up with Kip, she's just not funny at all. And there's nothing cool at all about her. She needs to disappear into oblivion. And then get dredged up 10 years from now when she's all wrinkled and 100 pounds overweight for a 'Where are they now' special.
1 of 12 | Posted by itchy | Posted on July 14, 2009 12:17 AM
Bubbles was the Chrissy Snow of Charm School and much preferable over Kip any day of the week.
will you be recapping Megan fucks a millionaire?
2 of 12 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on July 14, 2009 7:40 AM
I don't know what I'm recapping after Charm School. I just told Flipit that I preferred a reality TV trainwreck of some sort. There's no way I'm doing Real Chance At Love 2, but everything else is fair game.
3 of 12 | Posted by themiki | Posted on July 14, 2009 9:08 AM
As someone who is living with Asperger's Syndrome, I am pissed that Kip got away with calling Bubbles retarded. I realize that the producers probably had some influence, but isn't this show about growth? I can't wait to see Ricki's reaction to all this at the reunion.
4 of 12 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on July 14, 2009 9:52 AM
TV Freak, Ricki will probably do her fake concern as she normally does... the fake concern she honed so well after hosting her talk show for all those years.
Also, was Heather from ANTM Cycle 9 a good representation of someone with Asperger's?
5 of 12 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on July 14, 2009 10:01 AM
Thanks a lot, themiki - that picture of the speculum caused a flare up of my PTSD. At least I think that's what's flared up.....
I decided last week not to watch this show anymore since I kept falling asleep anyway - besides, your recaps are funnier and more entertaining than this show could ever HOPE to be.
SWAK, PottyMouth
6 of 12 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on July 14, 2009 10:02 AM
slutty_whore, Heather from ANTM had Asperger's, but she was obviously very high functioning. Good in a paint-it-in-a-nice-light way, but probably not the most realistic. (Which, for the record, I have AS too. And am named Heather. And am not as pretty, dammit.)
I never picked up any hint of any autism spectrum disorder from Bubbles though. She seems a bit clueless, yeah. She was my favorite girl there though; I'll take sweet and stupid over snarky and stupid any day. Maybe not over snarky and smart, but that's not really an issue here.
Love the recap, as always.
7 of 12 | Posted by Hadhas | Posted on July 14, 2009 2:29 PM
This recap was hilarious. Way to take shit and spin it into sugar, TheMiki.
Also-- before you say no to RCOL, remember that Bubbles came from that show. Just sayin'. So did MILF, but I don't think she was on this show? I can't remember the beginning anymore... it seems like this show has been on since my boobs were still perky.
(P.S. I actually watched last season of RCOL and found it to be pretty funny- it's better than this crap, that's for sure.)
P.S.S. Ricki's fake crying and general insincerity is really getting on my nerves.
8 of 12 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on July 14, 2009 5:42 PM
Awesome recap themiki, when the motivational speaker said "her leg fell off, all I could think was "oh they got Mrs. Potato Head to come in and talk, cool." And give the skanks, err girls credit, she made it all the way through her talk without whipping out the angry eyes.
Awesome job recapping, you really making something out of nothing here.
9 of 12 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on July 15, 2009 12:25 AM
Awwww...Shucks. Thanks for the kind words everyone. I'll put aside my snarky cynicism for just a moment and say that reading your comments really makes all the crappy reality TV watching worth it.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled sarcasm.
10 of 12 | Posted by themiki | Posted on July 15, 2009 1:39 AM
Slutty, I have not met many people with asperger's syndrome tbh. I'll take Hadhas's word for it. I had always assumed she was a good representation, but only because she was about the same level as the only other person I've met that has been diagnosed. I'd say that I was about the same level as Heather when I was first diagnosed, but now I am at a much higher level than I was. Most people can't even tell that I have it.
11 of 12 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on July 15, 2009 4:54 AM
Maria was the "former model" from Wisconsin who suddenly was rushed to the hospital early on in the season of Whore Bus.
12 of 12 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on July 15, 2009 1:39 PM