Hello, beautiful yous! It's IS taking over Charm School for the rest of the season. And I couldn't be happier about it. I actually started writing for the 'Gasm about a year ago because I wanted to recap Rock of Love, so I am beyond thrilled my ROL dreams are coming true. (Yes, I dream big.) And this is a fun week indeed. Heather "It's like the tiger...but my FACE" Chadwell suffers from major delusions of grandeur and several meltdowns, and Brandi M. makes the awesomest nautically themed hoodie ever! So let's begin this weeks' lesson: Thou shalt suck at branding!
TVgasm is not affiliated with the Heather Chadwell T-shirt of the month club.
(Also, mucho apologios from everyone at TVgasm as there won't be a recap for last week's episode. Monamonzano was not able to get to it and Flip asked me Monday if I would take over here and then I got retardedly sick, so well. We're picking up here. So, everyone's happy, right? Right? I thought so.)
Thou shalt not be late for the TVgasm readers.
So to sum up last week's Embarrassing Life Lesson, the girls learned to express themselves through spoken word and to be clear no one should engage in spoken word, but especially not these fools. The elimination was a bit of an upset as Sharon sent home not one, but two girls. Jessica for not being a complete disaster and Kristy Jo for not bringing the crazy like she did on ROL 2. What nerve.
Today opens on a bright and sunny morning with our final four sleepin' in and looking rode hard and hung up wet, despite the fact there was no fun party to watch. This is just how they look.
Sharon has left them a note printed on embossed letterhead. I never noticed how super fancy her letters are, well, except for the size sixteen font and the "xoxo" signoff. Kidding. I sign off everything "xoxo". Also, I'd like to mention I have mad love for Ms. Osbourne. The kewpie doll voice, the tough love. My mom is awesome, but if I couldn't have my mom, I would want Sharon to be my mom. Except I'd still want to look like me. Not Kelly. Or Jack.
Anywhatever, Destiney snags it from the corkboard and reads it to the gang like she's proving her proficiency at a third grade reading level. Seriously, D? Why the stilted pauses?
Thou shalt aspire to a fifth grade reading level. Oh, shit. Is Jeff Foxworthy gonna be here?
Sharon chimes in that today they're going to get a lesson on who they really are. Self-branding and ownership! The eighth commandment is "Thou Shalt Know Who Thou Art" and better late than never. I would have thought that this would come before anything else, but I guess managing fake bands and making PSAs about alcohol is more important than self-awareness with these girls. Getting them off rocker cock and boozing comes first.
Lacey thinks she's simply hilarious when she talk about how she "art" a bitch and "art" conniving and manipulative, but she's trying to be nice, so whatever. I stopped listening. Especially when I got a gander at Daniella's necklace.
When you buy Frankie B, you support this habit.
Riki adds his two punk rock cents by saying some nonsense about believing in themselves and then he introduces the person who is going to make it all possible. Image consultant Dawn Andrews. Dawn is going to help them create a vision of themselves so they can make money at being themselves! Their most marketable assets are being on Vh1 reality shows so don't shine them up too much, Andrews.
She asks them what misconceptions people have about them and Brandi M. says people think she's mean, but she's not. I say that all the time too. It doesn't matter how mean people think I am if I think I'm not, right? Oh, Dawn. Brand me.
Here are some highlights from our the gals: slutty, trashy, hardass, mean, bitchy, emotionless. And branding done! No need to gild the lily here. This is exactly how we like our ladies. Trashy and slutty and bitchy.
Moving on. The next is the best part...the "groovy" pie chart!
I learned how to do this at a Learning Annex seminar.
The girls are going to rate five different areas of their life health, sex, family, career and fun according to their level of satisfaction. Brandi M. comes on down first and appears more satisfied with her career than her sex life. This surprises me. What does she do again?
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Comments (16)
No offense intended to the previous recapper who was also funny, but you made me laugh alot on the PUA2 recaps so Welcome to Charm School!
I like Heather. Even if she hadn't smacked Daisy in her head (which made me LOVE her), she is cool and funny. But the Heather that came out the last two weeks was just wrong. I made me feel bad to see her acting like that. And it made me nauseous to see people turning to Lacy! Ewww! Don't they realize that it is LACY? FFS!!
1 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 13, 2008 4:56 PM
I'm on the Love-Heather bus, but why, oh why, did she call out to Destiny, "come here, I want to talk to you" while she was on the toilet?? What? It couldn't have waited 30 seconds? (or 5 minutes, depending)
Fav recap line: Even god is jealous of Heather and had to intervene.
2 of 16 | Posted by Clair | Posted on December 13, 2008 9:51 PM
I remember Destiny's season of ROL and a lot of the girls said that she would never close the bathroom door... even for number 2! So maybe that is why Heather and her think it is no big deal.
3 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 14, 2008 4:12 AM
OK...I'm still annoyed that this whole mess was caused by Heather's own misunderstanding of the piechart assignment. Good lord...just like IS said, it was about satisfaction, not numbers! Arrghh. I can't believe not one of these dimwits didn't take her aside, smack her upside the head and explain this to her.
So, Destiney's a slut and needs 900 lovers to be satified - and since she doesn't have that - she scored herself low on the chart. No lies, no deception. Not even a hint of trying to appear less active. (btw I personally think that Destiney was rating her satisfaction level based on more 'traditional' type measurements..like love and relationships, but when confronted her brain started to misfire and she threw out what she thought were lowball numbers to defend her original piechart).
Destiney and Brandi were just following the rules of the assignment. They were not satisfied with their sex lives - for whatever reason. Heather with her amazing powers of perception immediately assumed that if there is a "sex" portion to the chart it MUST equate with numbers of partners. MORON. Because of course, if you are sleeping around and appearing on reality shows to get a boyfriend, money and charm that means you are super satisfied and your life is beyond amazing.
And I was a huge Heather fan - I'm just so completely pissed that she caused this whole thing for nothing and no one told her to STFU. And she wound up HELPING Lacy arrghh!! If just some PA would have brought her a little smoke she would have been able to think more clearly.
4 of 16 | Posted by realitee | Posted on December 14, 2008 3:53 PM
yes, i think we can all agree that it doesn't matter who goes whom IF LACY STAYS. i mean, wtf? sharon has to be gettin' money under the table to keep her there. i still think she should have gone instead of dallas and brandi c....well anyone really. but that whole spit thing never would have happened if lacy hadn't sent in booze-addled brandi c to do her do her dirty work. boo period head.
i rooting for brandi m., but my money is on destiney for the win.
5 of 16 | Posted by theinternetsensation | Posted on December 14, 2008 4:11 PM
I can only imagine they kept Lacey around purely for the dramatic tv aspect. She can cause drama and fights with anyone and they knew she would be good for shock value till the end. I would like to think that Sharon and the others see through her BS.
6 of 16 | Posted by blazergirl | Posted on December 14, 2008 8:39 PM
I loved this recap! The Heather caption "Hold up...let's all picture my face on this shirt" was almost too much.
Yeah, she totally went apeshit. She made no sense and wound up looking like an ass. Although I must say that when she was drunk and Lacey accused her of thinking she was an A-list celebrity and she drunkenly replied "I. Am. Bitch." was hilarious.
I hope Brandy M. takes the whole thing. I've liked her since ROL but Destiney is a nice enough ho too. Lacey MUST be sent home next epi but I just hope it goes down dirty and nasty. You, know, for my pleasure.
7 of 16 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on December 15, 2008 12:50 AM
I'm so glad you mentioned something about them filming Heather going to the bathroom as if it's no big deal. I couldn't believe it! Even if it is cable TV. I personally like how she was arguing with Destiney about her sex-life lies while obviously not caring that cameras were capturing a moment that I find much more intimate than sex. Sort of. Hmmm....
8 of 16 | Posted by andreak1013 | Posted on December 15, 2008 8:10 AM
i should have said something in the recap, but regarding the a-list celebrity fight with lacy and heather, "I. AM. BITCH." is truly the only way you can respond to that. AMAZING. if anyone ever accuses me of that, that is exactly what i'm going to say. it just rolls off the tongue.
also, did you guys see this?
www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,467024,00.html
how awesome is the reunion show going to be?? commandment 11: thou shalt not talk shit about ozzy or thou shalt get a dean beat down.
go, sharon!
9 of 16 | Posted by theinternetsensation | Posted on December 15, 2008 9:05 AM
OMG, supposedly Sharon actually attacked Megan at the reunion. Totally bitch slapped her and yanked on her hair. Megan went to the hospital and filed assault charges.
Does anybody know about this? IS? Have you heard this yet?
This may be the best reunion, EVER!!!
Hugs
10 of 16 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on December 15, 2008 9:09 AM
I just read about the Megan beat down and rushed here to comment about it! lol
This is just one more reason to worship Sharon Osbourne. I absolutely love her!!
11 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 15, 2008 10:42 AM
omg...
"Osbourne is no stranger to fighting. According to the Mail, she threw a glass of water at a co-star when he made a joke about her husband. She also admitted to sending her own excrement in Tiffany jewelry boxes to a journalist who criticized her children, accompanied by a note reading “I heard you’ve got an eating disorder. Eat this.”
OMG!
12 of 16 | Posted by LOVES2PLAY05 | Posted on December 15, 2008 2:40 PM
TMZ has a picture of Megan's head where Sharon supposedly pulled a chunk of hair out. The skin isn't even red. Wouldn't it be red if an area of 3 inches by a half inch or so had all of the hair ripped out? And you can see her crap hair extensions in there too.
13 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 16, 2008 3:54 AM
Aw...what's wrong with spoken word? It's what I do...check it out on youtube search for 'mickey zero'...
Haven't watched the episode yet, for some reason it's not showing up on the net (and VH1 blocks viewers from outside the US...the bastards...)
14 of 16 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 16, 2008 5:30 AM
Okay, I finally managed to watch this episode, and wow, what a powerful next chapter in the story arc of Heather the Reality TV star. Guess she's be on celebrity rehab next?
Although the timing's about right -- it takes a few weeks for the THC to leave the system, then the brain starts to misfire because it misses its lil' teddy bear.
Re: having Sharon as your mom: so that includes your real dad getting done with Mrs. Osbourne, right? Just the image that came into my head...
Also, anyone notice that the 'transformed Lacey' comes with shampoo-- first time I think I've ever seen her hair washed.
This show is truly fizzlin' out...I guess that's the flaw in this type of show. It's all about having a whole mess of crazy idiot sluts in a house together. Three (or even four) just doesn't generate enough interest.
15 of 16 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 16, 2008 11:08 AM
Oh yeah, I forgot!
About Johnny Hallyday...
Picture if you will, Englebert Humperdink. Now, picture an Englebert Humperdink impersonator.
Ready? Now, picture a French (he's Belgian, actually) impersonation of the Englebert Humperdink impersonator. Except our guy can't really sing, he can only growl threateningly into a microphone. Give him a bunch of rehashed American pop songs with French lyrics and...the result is a 50-year career as THE hero of French pop music.
Truly, you've never seen anything as ridiculous as this guy. Not even that David Archuleta kid is this bad.
16 of 16 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 16, 2008 11:14 AM