Destiney, like Brandi M., heart family big time, no heart sex life. She giggles about it like that's some funny sex joke.
Hee hee. That was the size of the Entertainer's thingy. Hee!
Anywhore, now it's time for the Heather Chadwell Meltdown. Heather is melting down because these girls are LYING. They are promiscuous hos and she can't stand for it. Lying is so not in the spirit of Charm School. Is Charm School an accredited institution of higher learning? Because, doll, if you can't lie on a reality show, where can you lie?
So Truthy Tits McGillicuddy comes on up and announces she's starting with the sex piece of the pie, because she's "never been promiscuous". Cue Heather's slutty montage! Grinding on Brett, sucking face with that dude from I Love Money, getting bent over the table by that dude from I Love Money. She mumbles about being honest and putting a three not a one, because she's all about the Honor Code or whatever.
Bitch, your slut-o-meter is way higher than a three.
She tries to keep on track, but the muttering about being bothered by lies and she just cannot contain herself from vaguely talking trash. Dawn Andrews clearly loves more specific trash talking and asks her to get a little more clear. Eff self-branding! Go shit-talking!
And then she's all, well the other girls aren't fessing up to being complete floozies and Charm School is all about owning that shit, yo. Destiney and Brandi M. look around bewildered confused as to why Heather is talking about them like they're not in the room and talking about their sex lives as if she usually is in the room.
"How do you know that's not true?" asks Brandi M. Good question. Dumb-dumb Vh1 tries to answer that by showing her PSA porn with the blow-up doll. Please. Mimed blow up doll jobs does not an active sex life make. Clearly they come from the Heather Chadwell School of Proof.
Then Heather slams Destiney for lying about whoring it up with the Entertainer on I Love Money. Open question to everyone: If you hooked up with the Entertainer wouldn't you lie about it to?
No one remembered that after Real proposed to Hoopz like an asshat. Why you gotta bring that up?
Dawn Andrews tries to get things back on track by reminding Heather that it doesn't matter. It doesn't have anything to do with her. All that matters is their satisfaction with it. Good point, image consultant. Why have sex with every dude from an "I love New York" spin-off if you're not gonna rate that shit a 10?
Heather can't stop babbling though so Dawn finally takes her hands like they're in a therapy session and whispers "Shhh" hoping that today's lesson isn't going to cause long-tern psychological damage on the poor thing. Heather agrees to drop the issue but has sucked up so much time we don't get to see how satisfied Lacy is with being a ho. Disappointing.
We only have time for more feel-goodisms from Dawn, who says stuff about life being too short and we have to have a purpose and they're all a beautiful snowflake. Okay, bye, Dawn. You're super boring.
Now it's time to talk about the challenge. As soon as Destiney hears the word "Christian Audigier" she creams her virginal panties and we know she's gonna claim this one as hers. Christian Audigier designs for Ed Hardy and is now working with French singer Johnny Hallyday on a new line Smet which sounds like something really gross, but is supposed to be cool street culture or something like that.
Is there also going to be a Christian Audigier of Love? I'd like to submit my casting tape now, please.
And the best part is they're going to be designing a shirt for this new line with the opportunity to sell it NATIONWIDE. (Aside: Would anyone really buy this?) This shirt should be a symbol of their identity and they should take all they learned about branding and make this the ultimate in their new self-branding knowledge. In other words, make a shirt with a pie chart about how dissatisfied you are with your sex life! I would totally one hundred percent by that one. Add the Charm School logo on the back? Let me know, gang, and I'll whip some up and get them up for us on Cafe Press.
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Comments (16)
No offense intended to the previous recapper who was also funny, but you made me laugh alot on the PUA2 recaps so Welcome to Charm School!
I like Heather. Even if she hadn't smacked Daisy in her head (which made me LOVE her), she is cool and funny. But the Heather that came out the last two weeks was just wrong. I made me feel bad to see her acting like that. And it made me nauseous to see people turning to Lacy! Ewww! Don't they realize that it is LACY? FFS!!
1 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 13, 2008 4:56 PM
I'm on the Love-Heather bus, but why, oh why, did she call out to Destiny, "come here, I want to talk to you" while she was on the toilet?? What? It couldn't have waited 30 seconds? (or 5 minutes, depending)
Fav recap line: Even god is jealous of Heather and had to intervene.
2 of 16 | Posted by Clair | Posted on December 13, 2008 9:51 PM
I remember Destiny's season of ROL and a lot of the girls said that she would never close the bathroom door... even for number 2! So maybe that is why Heather and her think it is no big deal.
3 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 14, 2008 4:12 AM
OK...I'm still annoyed that this whole mess was caused by Heather's own misunderstanding of the piechart assignment. Good lord...just like IS said, it was about satisfaction, not numbers! Arrghh. I can't believe not one of these dimwits didn't take her aside, smack her upside the head and explain this to her.
So, Destiney's a slut and needs 900 lovers to be satified - and since she doesn't have that - she scored herself low on the chart. No lies, no deception. Not even a hint of trying to appear less active. (btw I personally think that Destiney was rating her satisfaction level based on more 'traditional' type measurements..like love and relationships, but when confronted her brain started to misfire and she threw out what she thought were lowball numbers to defend her original piechart).
Destiney and Brandi were just following the rules of the assignment. They were not satisfied with their sex lives - for whatever reason. Heather with her amazing powers of perception immediately assumed that if there is a "sex" portion to the chart it MUST equate with numbers of partners. MORON. Because of course, if you are sleeping around and appearing on reality shows to get a boyfriend, money and charm that means you are super satisfied and your life is beyond amazing.
And I was a huge Heather fan - I'm just so completely pissed that she caused this whole thing for nothing and no one told her to STFU. And she wound up HELPING Lacy arrghh!! If just some PA would have brought her a little smoke she would have been able to think more clearly.
4 of 16 | Posted by realitee | Posted on December 14, 2008 3:53 PM
yes, i think we can all agree that it doesn't matter who goes whom IF LACY STAYS. i mean, wtf? sharon has to be gettin' money under the table to keep her there. i still think she should have gone instead of dallas and brandi c....well anyone really. but that whole spit thing never would have happened if lacy hadn't sent in booze-addled brandi c to do her do her dirty work. boo period head.
i rooting for brandi m., but my money is on destiney for the win.
5 of 16 | Posted by theinternetsensation | Posted on December 14, 2008 4:11 PM
I can only imagine they kept Lacey around purely for the dramatic tv aspect. She can cause drama and fights with anyone and they knew she would be good for shock value till the end. I would like to think that Sharon and the others see through her BS.
6 of 16 | Posted by blazergirl | Posted on December 14, 2008 8:39 PM
I loved this recap! The Heather caption "Hold up...let's all picture my face on this shirt" was almost too much.
Yeah, she totally went apeshit. She made no sense and wound up looking like an ass. Although I must say that when she was drunk and Lacey accused her of thinking she was an A-list celebrity and she drunkenly replied "I. Am. Bitch." was hilarious.
I hope Brandy M. takes the whole thing. I've liked her since ROL but Destiney is a nice enough ho too. Lacey MUST be sent home next epi but I just hope it goes down dirty and nasty. You, know, for my pleasure.
7 of 16 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on December 15, 2008 12:50 AM
I'm so glad you mentioned something about them filming Heather going to the bathroom as if it's no big deal. I couldn't believe it! Even if it is cable TV. I personally like how she was arguing with Destiney about her sex-life lies while obviously not caring that cameras were capturing a moment that I find much more intimate than sex. Sort of. Hmmm....
8 of 16 | Posted by andreak1013 | Posted on December 15, 2008 8:10 AM
i should have said something in the recap, but regarding the a-list celebrity fight with lacy and heather, "I. AM. BITCH." is truly the only way you can respond to that. AMAZING. if anyone ever accuses me of that, that is exactly what i'm going to say. it just rolls off the tongue.
also, did you guys see this?
www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,467024,00.html
how awesome is the reunion show going to be?? commandment 11: thou shalt not talk shit about ozzy or thou shalt get a dean beat down.
go, sharon!
9 of 16 | Posted by theinternetsensation | Posted on December 15, 2008 9:05 AM
OMG, supposedly Sharon actually attacked Megan at the reunion. Totally bitch slapped her and yanked on her hair. Megan went to the hospital and filed assault charges.
Does anybody know about this? IS? Have you heard this yet?
This may be the best reunion, EVER!!!
Hugs
10 of 16 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on December 15, 2008 9:09 AM
I just read about the Megan beat down and rushed here to comment about it! lol
This is just one more reason to worship Sharon Osbourne. I absolutely love her!!
11 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 15, 2008 10:42 AM
omg...
"Osbourne is no stranger to fighting. According to the Mail, she threw a glass of water at a co-star when he made a joke about her husband. She also admitted to sending her own excrement in Tiffany jewelry boxes to a journalist who criticized her children, accompanied by a note reading “I heard you’ve got an eating disorder. Eat this.”
OMG!
12 of 16 | Posted by LOVES2PLAY05 | Posted on December 15, 2008 2:40 PM
TMZ has a picture of Megan's head where Sharon supposedly pulled a chunk of hair out. The skin isn't even red. Wouldn't it be red if an area of 3 inches by a half inch or so had all of the hair ripped out? And you can see her crap hair extensions in there too.
13 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 16, 2008 3:54 AM
Aw...what's wrong with spoken word? It's what I do...check it out on youtube search for 'mickey zero'...
Haven't watched the episode yet, for some reason it's not showing up on the net (and VH1 blocks viewers from outside the US...the bastards...)
14 of 16 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 16, 2008 5:30 AM
Okay, I finally managed to watch this episode, and wow, what a powerful next chapter in the story arc of Heather the Reality TV star. Guess she's be on celebrity rehab next?
Although the timing's about right -- it takes a few weeks for the THC to leave the system, then the brain starts to misfire because it misses its lil' teddy bear.
Re: having Sharon as your mom: so that includes your real dad getting done with Mrs. Osbourne, right? Just the image that came into my head...
Also, anyone notice that the 'transformed Lacey' comes with shampoo-- first time I think I've ever seen her hair washed.
This show is truly fizzlin' out...I guess that's the flaw in this type of show. It's all about having a whole mess of crazy idiot sluts in a house together. Three (or even four) just doesn't generate enough interest.
15 of 16 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 16, 2008 11:08 AM
Oh yeah, I forgot!
About Johnny Hallyday...
Picture if you will, Englebert Humperdink. Now, picture an Englebert Humperdink impersonator.
Ready? Now, picture a French (he's Belgian, actually) impersonation of the Englebert Humperdink impersonator. Except our guy can't really sing, he can only growl threateningly into a microphone. Give him a bunch of rehashed American pop songs with French lyrics and...the result is a 50-year career as THE hero of French pop music.
Truly, you've never seen anything as ridiculous as this guy. Not even that David Archuleta kid is this bad.
16 of 16 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 16, 2008 11:14 AM