Sharon acts all surprised to see Heather at her desk this evening, but she doesn't know that Heather has become Lady Truthy Tits! Everyone should be honest about how slutty they are! Waaaah. There's a steroid metaphor in there and Sharon can't get a word in edgewise. "I don't want to just skate through this and have a cocktail!" she yells making no sense whatsoever.
Special edition hoodie face. Hands conveniently positioned over breast area.
Heather is not making sense to anyone, including Sharon, who once again reminds her to not pay attention to anyone but herself. Heather leaves feeling good about herself and tells the other girls that now they have to go talk to Sharon.
Not a fan of the Special Edition Hoodie Face.
Brandi M. thinks that she got called out on the dog allergy lie so now she's going to throw herself under the bus by bringing it up. The girls huddle around the desk and dish about Heather's sudden shift from fun ho to crazy ho in one episode. Not cool! We only like Heather when she's drunk and naked! So they rehash the pie chart fiasco and Destiney winds up admitting she's a slut anyway by saying that she's had two or three or partners in the past six months and that's no good. That's only one percent! Okay, so I have it all wrong. She is basing it on the number of partners she has. Slut.
Sharon even does some wily equation mathematically deducing Destiney's whorishness by multiplying Destiney's number by two (the whole year, I'm guessing) and then by ninety-nine percent (to make it a hundred, but I'm guessing that would not hold up in statistics class). Basically we are all in agreement that Destiney is a slut. Or a wannabe slut. Tragic.
Thou shalt at least be a proper slut.
And then Brandi M. does the self-throw under the bus when she says she doesn't want "no skeletons" in her closet. Charming! She brings up the dog allergy thing and Sharon smiles wickedly all, what a little actress you are. She asks if anyone else knew about this to which she responds that Heather did. Well, it doesn't take long for the mind wheels to start a-turnin' in Sharon's hand and she knows Brandi M. is coming clean because she thinks Heather said something or is going to say something. You can't get anything past Sharon, toots, even if you are a pirate.
Sharon repeats several times that Heather didn't say anything and Brandi M. insists she's telling her because she wants a piece of the truth pie, too. Oh, Brandi M. Dog confession: FAIL. Sharon confesses that she's not mad about the lie, but the way in which it was revealed. Sharon doesn't mind funny lies at all! As long as retarded Lily is the punchline!
Save the Retard Dogs is just not my foundation.
So let's get right down to the expulsion ceremony. We all know Destiney is safe for her hackey design, so bring the other hos down. Before they come down though, Sharon has to announce the obvious: Truthy Tits is having a major problemo with the Lying Hos.
Second announcement is that Brandi M. lied about a dog allergy and then came forward about lying about a dog allergy. "Well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" guffaws Riki. But, what about the stupidest thing you've ever seen, RIki? Because I'm thinking it might just be your leopard button down and leather jacket combo. Wait scratch that. It's Truthy Tits's lederhosen.
Well, I was saying they would look better with my face instead of the bows. But no one wants to hear the truth.
Actually we're still talking about the stupid Brandi M. lie and I'm over it so I'm not writing about it anymore. Luckily we have another impromptu meltdown courtesy of Heather Chadwell! The horror music violins squeal as Heather then brings up Lacy for some reason and how she has to go and nothing is fair!!!
So now all three girls come down and Riki has to talk about feeling like a sucker and it's nothing related to his outfit. What a whiny bunch of little bitches everyone has become. Where are the strident drunks of yore? Things get so snoozy as we head to the finale. Anyway, Riki is onto Heather saying that he thought she was cool but now he hears that all she's doing is talking smack about everyone else.
Self-branding is more than just talking about people. It's embracing your own shitty sense of fashion.
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Comments (16)
No offense intended to the previous recapper who was also funny, but you made me laugh alot on the PUA2 recaps so Welcome to Charm School!
I like Heather. Even if she hadn't smacked Daisy in her head (which made me LOVE her), she is cool and funny. But the Heather that came out the last two weeks was just wrong. I made me feel bad to see her acting like that. And it made me nauseous to see people turning to Lacy! Ewww! Don't they realize that it is LACY? FFS!!
1 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 13, 2008 4:56 PM
I'm on the Love-Heather bus, but why, oh why, did she call out to Destiny, "come here, I want to talk to you" while she was on the toilet?? What? It couldn't have waited 30 seconds? (or 5 minutes, depending)
Fav recap line: Even god is jealous of Heather and had to intervene.
2 of 16 | Posted by Clair | Posted on December 13, 2008 9:51 PM
I remember Destiny's season of ROL and a lot of the girls said that she would never close the bathroom door... even for number 2! So maybe that is why Heather and her think it is no big deal.
3 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 14, 2008 4:12 AM
OK...I'm still annoyed that this whole mess was caused by Heather's own misunderstanding of the piechart assignment. Good lord...just like IS said, it was about satisfaction, not numbers! Arrghh. I can't believe not one of these dimwits didn't take her aside, smack her upside the head and explain this to her.
So, Destiney's a slut and needs 900 lovers to be satified - and since she doesn't have that - she scored herself low on the chart. No lies, no deception. Not even a hint of trying to appear less active. (btw I personally think that Destiney was rating her satisfaction level based on more 'traditional' type measurements..like love and relationships, but when confronted her brain started to misfire and she threw out what she thought were lowball numbers to defend her original piechart).
Destiney and Brandi were just following the rules of the assignment. They were not satisfied with their sex lives - for whatever reason. Heather with her amazing powers of perception immediately assumed that if there is a "sex" portion to the chart it MUST equate with numbers of partners. MORON. Because of course, if you are sleeping around and appearing on reality shows to get a boyfriend, money and charm that means you are super satisfied and your life is beyond amazing.
And I was a huge Heather fan - I'm just so completely pissed that she caused this whole thing for nothing and no one told her to STFU. And she wound up HELPING Lacy arrghh!! If just some PA would have brought her a little smoke she would have been able to think more clearly.
4 of 16 | Posted by realitee | Posted on December 14, 2008 3:53 PM
yes, i think we can all agree that it doesn't matter who goes whom IF LACY STAYS. i mean, wtf? sharon has to be gettin' money under the table to keep her there. i still think she should have gone instead of dallas and brandi c....well anyone really. but that whole spit thing never would have happened if lacy hadn't sent in booze-addled brandi c to do her do her dirty work. boo period head.
i rooting for brandi m., but my money is on destiney for the win.
5 of 16 | Posted by theinternetsensation | Posted on December 14, 2008 4:11 PM
I can only imagine they kept Lacey around purely for the dramatic tv aspect. She can cause drama and fights with anyone and they knew she would be good for shock value till the end. I would like to think that Sharon and the others see through her BS.
6 of 16 | Posted by blazergirl | Posted on December 14, 2008 8:39 PM
I loved this recap! The Heather caption "Hold up...let's all picture my face on this shirt" was almost too much.
Yeah, she totally went apeshit. She made no sense and wound up looking like an ass. Although I must say that when she was drunk and Lacey accused her of thinking she was an A-list celebrity and she drunkenly replied "I. Am. Bitch." was hilarious.
I hope Brandy M. takes the whole thing. I've liked her since ROL but Destiney is a nice enough ho too. Lacey MUST be sent home next epi but I just hope it goes down dirty and nasty. You, know, for my pleasure.
7 of 16 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on December 15, 2008 12:50 AM
I'm so glad you mentioned something about them filming Heather going to the bathroom as if it's no big deal. I couldn't believe it! Even if it is cable TV. I personally like how she was arguing with Destiney about her sex-life lies while obviously not caring that cameras were capturing a moment that I find much more intimate than sex. Sort of. Hmmm....
8 of 16 | Posted by andreak1013 | Posted on December 15, 2008 8:10 AM
i should have said something in the recap, but regarding the a-list celebrity fight with lacy and heather, "I. AM. BITCH." is truly the only way you can respond to that. AMAZING. if anyone ever accuses me of that, that is exactly what i'm going to say. it just rolls off the tongue.
also, did you guys see this?
www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,467024,00.html
how awesome is the reunion show going to be?? commandment 11: thou shalt not talk shit about ozzy or thou shalt get a dean beat down.
go, sharon!
9 of 16 | Posted by theinternetsensation | Posted on December 15, 2008 9:05 AM
OMG, supposedly Sharon actually attacked Megan at the reunion. Totally bitch slapped her and yanked on her hair. Megan went to the hospital and filed assault charges.
Does anybody know about this? IS? Have you heard this yet?
This may be the best reunion, EVER!!!
Hugs
10 of 16 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on December 15, 2008 9:09 AM
I just read about the Megan beat down and rushed here to comment about it! lol
This is just one more reason to worship Sharon Osbourne. I absolutely love her!!
11 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 15, 2008 10:42 AM
omg...
"Osbourne is no stranger to fighting. According to the Mail, she threw a glass of water at a co-star when he made a joke about her husband. She also admitted to sending her own excrement in Tiffany jewelry boxes to a journalist who criticized her children, accompanied by a note reading “I heard you’ve got an eating disorder. Eat this.”
OMG!
12 of 16 | Posted by LOVES2PLAY05 | Posted on December 15, 2008 2:40 PM
TMZ has a picture of Megan's head where Sharon supposedly pulled a chunk of hair out. The skin isn't even red. Wouldn't it be red if an area of 3 inches by a half inch or so had all of the hair ripped out? And you can see her crap hair extensions in there too.
13 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 16, 2008 3:54 AM
Aw...what's wrong with spoken word? It's what I do...check it out on youtube search for 'mickey zero'...
Haven't watched the episode yet, for some reason it's not showing up on the net (and VH1 blocks viewers from outside the US...the bastards...)
14 of 16 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 16, 2008 5:30 AM
Okay, I finally managed to watch this episode, and wow, what a powerful next chapter in the story arc of Heather the Reality TV star. Guess she's be on celebrity rehab next?
Although the timing's about right -- it takes a few weeks for the THC to leave the system, then the brain starts to misfire because it misses its lil' teddy bear.
Re: having Sharon as your mom: so that includes your real dad getting done with Mrs. Osbourne, right? Just the image that came into my head...
Also, anyone notice that the 'transformed Lacey' comes with shampoo-- first time I think I've ever seen her hair washed.
This show is truly fizzlin' out...I guess that's the flaw in this type of show. It's all about having a whole mess of crazy idiot sluts in a house together. Three (or even four) just doesn't generate enough interest.
15 of 16 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 16, 2008 11:08 AM
Oh yeah, I forgot!
About Johnny Hallyday...
Picture if you will, Englebert Humperdink. Now, picture an Englebert Humperdink impersonator.
Ready? Now, picture a French (he's Belgian, actually) impersonation of the Englebert Humperdink impersonator. Except our guy can't really sing, he can only growl threateningly into a microphone. Give him a bunch of rehashed American pop songs with French lyrics and...the result is a 50-year career as THE hero of French pop music.
Truly, you've never seen anything as ridiculous as this guy. Not even that David Archuleta kid is this bad.
16 of 16 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 16, 2008 11:14 AM