***Note from the Editor: One week til Christmas, suckas!! In celebration of getting free stuff, the gasm staff will be taking turns ragging on Christmas movies leading up to the big day. First up, please welcome the gorgeous and talented O.Snapp!
"Come on, cuddle with me. Just for a sec."
Well kids, we all know that after spending a whole day driving around in circles in the mall parking lot, sucking in the fumes of twelve cars ahead of and behind you all looking for that perfect spot (or any spot at all), narrowly avoiding wayward rugrats who've darted into traffic, then finally braving the Christmas shopping storm in the mall itself (complete with screaming children, eons-long lines, and reheated fried chicken from the food court), the only thing you want to do is come home, make some microwaveable macaroni and cheese, and watch a holiday classic: the story of two outcasts who may or may not be engaging in a homosexual and/or bestial relationship. In the North Pole. It's "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer!"
Luckily, we avoided this version of Burl Ives.
A roly-poly mustachio'ed snowman who looks an awful lot like Burl Ives waddles around a snow-covered lea with an umbrella. Now I ask you: who the hell carries an umbrella in the snow? Anyway, Fat-Ass Sam, as I call him, shows us around Christmastown, an adorable but wacky village in the North Pole. They've got talking snowmen, talking reindeer, and even Christmas seals. (?) And you know no Christmas village would be complete without a decorated forest.
How many indentured elves did it take to decorate this forest?
The ruler of the land, apparently, is Santa, who lives with his old lady in a modest castle on the hill. They're like your Polish grandparents - they're rotund, speak with a weird accent and Granny harps on Grampy to eat more while they call each other "Poppa" and "Mamma."
"I love it when you call me Big Poppa."
But something tells me Gramps would rather just sit in his La-Z-Boy, have some whiskey and call it a night. Don't worry though, Fat-Ass Sam assures us that Santa will be as fat-ass as himself by Christmas Eve. "He does this every year." What, starve himself all year round only to gain all the weight back overnight? I bet he could qualify for "Everyday Woman" status on "Project Runway."
Fat-Ass Sam keeps yammerin' on about some insane Nor'Easter blizzard they got a few years back and shivering to himself. Okay, Uncle Crazy, we get it. Bad storm. There must be something more interesting that we could talk about than the weather. How about those Yankees? Err.... seen any good movies lately? Uhhh... how are your snowballs doing today? No? Nothing else? Fine, tell us the goddamn snow story. Just wait a sec while I get MY whiskey. Uh oh, this involves characters who break into song? Make it a double.
The story begins in a cave not far from the modest castle, in the home of Donner and his little wifey, who just gave birth to an adorable fawn. Despite the puddle of animal placenta in the corner, Mrs. Donner looks surprisingly fresh for having just popped one out. These two are basically the Cleavers of the North Pole: she's demure, wide-eyed and spineless, he's gruff and emotionally unavailable. Gotta love the family dynamics of the 1950s.
Bet he beats her with his antlers when she pisses him off.
The wee one, named Rudolph for those of you who couldn't figure out what this fucking recap is about, is cute and all frail and can't stand up and stuff. There's just one problem: he's got a zit so big on his nose that it has overtaken the entire schnoz. You could even say it glows.
Who stole my maraschino?
Rudolph speaks his first words right out of the womb, but they're overshadowed by the blaring tackiness of that thing on his face. Don't sweat it, kid. First words aren't usually very eloquent anyway.
Santa drops by unannounced and explains that he's just out for a walk to get away from that wench of a wife. He instantly remarks on Rudie's honker and threatens to cut him off from his super-important sleigh team. I'm pretty sure that's workplace discrimination.
"You put this on, I'll get the gimp mask and whip."
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Comments (8)
This was the funniest recap I have ever read. I had to stop and compose myself at least 4 times since I am working. Very funny, thanks for the entertainment!
1 of 8 | Posted by RLR123 | Posted on December 18, 2007 7:44 AM
OMG! I will never look at Rudolph the same again - so funny!
Thanks for making my day, O.Snapp!
2 of 8 | Posted by lexxi1129 | Posted on December 18, 2007 9:02 AM
Another traditional movie I'll never have to watch again!
Ho, ho, hilarious!
Thanks!
3 of 8 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on December 18, 2007 9:41 AM
O. Snapp - awesome. Just plain awesome.
I'm snorting and guffawing to beat the band here at my desk.
4 of 8 | Posted by MargotTenenbaum | Posted on December 18, 2007 10:59 AM
That was just awesome! Laugh out loud funny. Thanks O. Snapp!
5 of 8 | Posted by weejie | Posted on December 18, 2007 2:18 PM
they have actually been playing this movie over and over again in the mall's foodcourt where I work. 8D; And I sat down and watched a bit when I was on break the other day. Ah, my childhood. O. Snapp, thanks for killing it!
I kid. I laughed many-a times.
Though, I always wonder who, in their right mind, would want to be a dentist... want to look down childrens' (and adults') throats when they have decay or bad breath. WRY. I always ask my dentist or his assistants what possessed them. It turns out it was their dream to love oral hygiene. So, some people do like that shit. But not me.
6 of 8 | Posted by trey | Posted on December 18, 2007 4:31 PM
That was Crantastic. Totally the best. Thanks so much!
7 of 8 | Posted by ItsLikeKissingAPeanut | Posted on December 18, 2007 5:43 PM
I was really dreading coming into work today; but I decided to check out the 'gasm since I hadn't in a couple of days. Good gracious I'm glad I did! That had to be the funniest crap I've read in a long time.
However, trying to stifle laughs while drinking cappucino with a stuffed up nose is not recommended. Especially if your assistant already thinks youre a nutball to begin with.
Thanks, O. Snapp! You made my Wednesday. Probably the rest of the week, too.
8 of 8 | Posted by VolGirl | Posted on December 19, 2007 5:44 AM