We open this insulin-o-rama with the camera on a sign that reads "The Carol Show," with a picture of the awesome Tori Spelling. In a television studio decorated for Christmas, cute guy #1 walks around helping people carry boxes, wishing them a Merry Christmas, and basically establishing himself as Nice Guy. He tells someone "I have to go get Carol, wish me luck." I wonder if Carol is a bitch? Hard to know this far in advance. Also established? The credits are done in the largest font ever printed. At least Hallmark knows their audience.

HELLO OLD PEOPLE! IT'S ME! TORI SPELLING! WELCOME TO MY TV MOVIE! I'M LIKE SCROOOOGE!!

We pan across a wall full of pictures of Carol Andy Warhol-ized (I'm guessing the same ones Tori had in her 90210 dressing room) and we hear William Shatner's voice Dr. Phil-ing someone on TV about taking responsibility for what she's done. Carol says, "That ought to shut her up!" Oh my God, I say the same thing when I watch Dr. Phil! Shatner, aka Dr. Bob, says to the audience, "Be careful about the choices you make - the man upstairs is keeping track. Make sure the good choices outweigh the bad choices, or you won't be happy with what he has in store for you." A vengeful God in a Hallmark movie? I'm in!

"Seems like an awful lot of clichés to me," says Carol's assistant Roberta. Oh honey, wait until you see the rest of this movie. Roberta is going over Carol's Christmas shopping list, and asks what she wants to get the camera operators, since she got them soap last year. "Obviously they've gone through it, have you smelled them lately?" Carol snaps. If you attach it to a rope, they could wear it like a car air freshener. I'm just saying, you might want to spend the extra money this year.

Carol tells her assistant to finish the list herself while she reads the paper. She conveniently turns to the article "Good Guy of the Year Award" complete with a picture of said good guy shaking someone's hand. Could that award title be more bland? And what if a woman wins? Is it "Good Gal of the Year Award"? Insulting! Good guy is revealed to be John Joyce, Meals-on-Wheels saint and former boyfriend of Carol. Carol says he never got over her after the breakup, and probably talks about her more than she talks about him. Common delusions could make Carol and I pretty good friends, I think. "Why he prefers smelly old homeless people to me I'll never know." Carol, let me buy you a latte!

Your mom called. She says that you weren't authorized to take your bedroom set out of the mansion and she wants it before 5pm or she's calling the police. Don't shoot the messenger!

Roberta leaves, saying she will have to pick up her daughter Lily before she heads out shopping for Carol's gift, and Carol and I both let out a "Pffft!" Have kids on your own damn time. Seriously, Carol and I must establish a coffee klatch for like-minded people. Roberta mentions spending that night - Christmas Eve with Lily. Wait, what? They are doing a live talk show on Christmas Eve? What talk show host doesn't previously record? This crew has the worst union reps ever. Nix that, Tori Spelling has the worst representation ever. She's in A Carol Christmas on the Hallmark Channel.

Nice Guy, aka Jimmy, tells Carol that they will have foster kids on the stage to give gifts to. Hope the boxes contain non-abusive foster parents, otherwise enjoy the gruel in the morning, kids. Carol bah-humbugs and says "Nobody did that for me when I was a kid." Oooh, dramaaa! Was she a foster kid no one wanted, and that's why she's so bitter? I can't wait to find out! Carol tells Jimmy she'll be out when she feels like it, turns back to a picture of a woman sporting some hellishly big hair, and says, "Always keep them waiting, that's what you taught me Aunt Marla." Aunt Marla clearly never joined us in the 90s, as her 80s hair and beady eyes suggest someone who asks for money on Sunday morning, "for the Lord, I swear." Carol says making them wait is the only way they'll respect you. Yes, if "respect you" means blogging about you on bitchfacebosses.com.

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Posted in Christmas Specials by DearCrabby at 4:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Last Comment: ordochaplain on Dec 24, 2007 01:16 AM.