Who do people tell you you look like? Julia Roberts? Durmott Mulroney? Anyone else from My Best Friend's Wedding? That's awesome! I get Charlie Brown. I've always gotten Charlie Brown. It pisses me off as much as it confuses me. So random. Just because Chuck is bald. And negative. And insecure. And has bags under his eyes, and has feet the size of saucepans, and wears horizontal stripes even though they're totally unflattering and ...DAMMIT. Alright, so you can see why I've avoided every opportunity to reacquaint myself with this movie since I was a child. If you were always compared to Jonathan Winters, would you want his poster on your wall?

No.

Since I've decided to completely change my life once the New Year comes round (I really mean it this time), I figured it was probably a good idea to face my inner Charlie Brown to know how to defeat him. As fate would have it, A Charlie Brown Christmas came on right in the middle of a large pepperoni pie with a side of cheesy bread. It's a sign! No more paper bags over my head in 2008!

We open with the Peanuts gang ice skating together on the pond and singing in little castratto voices about snowflakes and Christmas and changing feelings and confusion...wait. Nix the changing feelings and confusion part. Where the hell did that come from? I go back a few seconds and press pause to clear my head. Focus, Flipit! Is that a g? Hey! They're ice skating in a pattern! And it's spelling something! Am I crazy, here?

Am I just lonely at this time of year and totally obsessed with homosexuality, or was Charles Schulz? I think we all know the answer to that. Charles Schulz made me obsessed with homosexuality.

Charlie Brown trudges after Linus in the snow, looking at the ground and stewing and waiting for his friend to notice how horribly depressed he is. He has double the baggage around his eyes as he usually does, probably after spending another entire night cursing God and asking why he has webbed toes and love handles and an unreasonably sized head.

Can't you see I'm in PAIN here?

Linus just walks on in silence, not about to make the mistake of asking "what's on your mind?" Pout all you want to, Linus knows not to trigger your endless ranting about the dangers and injustices waiting to strike you down at any moment. Ignoring his friend becomes tiring, so before he asks Chuck what's up his ass, Linus takes one last second to lean on the wall and suck his thumb in silence.

Wait for it, and one, two...

"I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus." Ya think? Linus bites down on his thumb and takes a deep breath. Here we go. Chuck isn't happy, even when he knows Christmas is coming and he's getting a lot of free shit. Is life just an endless longing for that one special day your mom fills you with resentment and disappointment by wrapping up some lame fug sweater instead of a gift that shows you that she might actually understand you're a real live human being with feelings and dreams and not just some pudgy plaything to make fun of with her friends?

Wake me when you're done, Ophelia.

Linus has no response, so he just acts like he's paying attention and walks on, sucking his thumb. Charlie B goes on and on about wah Christmas I don't get it I'm depressed waaaah. Finally, Linus turns around takes his thumb out of his mouth. "Jesuth Chwist woman shuth your faceth." He's over it, to the point where he sides with Lucy (the biggest bitch ever invented), who said of all the pussy ass crackers in the world, Charlie Brown is the pussyasscrackeriest.

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Posted in Christmas Specials by Flipit at 4:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)
Last Comment: flipit on Dec 22, 2007 10:32 PM.