The movie starts off with an angry Mario Lopez walking through a quiet snow filled street, with no sign of humanity anywhere. A car pulls up and it's Melissa Joan Hart telling him to get in the car. He hesitates, but when has AC Slater passed up a chance at some tail, especially former Nickelodeon child star tale! If Alex Mac's walls could talk...

I zapped that Bayside shit!

We then go back 17 hours earlier to figure out how we got to this already-boring start. I think the writer of this movie is a Lost reject - either that or he's seen Memento, and it's like, "so brilliant." Anyways, I'm slightly confused, but I'm sure it will make sense at some point. We go to the Melissa Joan Hart character's apartment - I'd tell you the characters' names but what's the point? Let's just call her MJH from now on She's wearing a hair curling thingamajiggy to show us how spunky she is, I think...oh yes, of course, now she's blowdrying her Chinese food. So, she's dumb and spunky - great we're all gonna love this character.

Why can't I get this lo-mein straight?

She gets a call from her mother who is Markie Post(!?). Please note: from now on the name Markie Post(?!) will be followed by an exclamation point and a question mark in a parentheses because Markie Post(?!) both mystifies and arouses me. Anyways, she's supposed to be one of those pushy, annoying moms who won't stop judging her kids about their lifestyles. Apparently MJH has a boyfriend who she's bringing to some secluded log cabin with her family for Christmas. I'm sure that was an easy decision for him to make.

She then talks to her dad about going to some interview he set up for her. As she gets off the phone she realizes the hair curler thingamajiggy has been on for too long, and she freaks out. This is a running gag in the first half of the movie - the fact that her hair looks terrible (and that her mom makes her wear a pink dress that looks like a stolen Kennedy corpse in 1968). These things actually make me kind of chuckle for a little bit, but only because it supports my irrational dislike of MJH.

She then shows up late to this interview her dad set up because of some hair crisis, and runs into a very prickly receptionist. The reception-bitch shows her that someone else is there for an interview because MJH was late. MJH, instead of hanging her head in defeat or you know, something perfectly reasonable like trying to reschedule, darts past the receptionist and runs up to the man she was supposed to meet's office window. She bangs on it, interrupting the other interview and yelling like a crazy person. I know this is supposed to be slapsticky, but c'mon. Really? Does anyone out there know anyone who would do this? Really?!

My Sabrina syndication money is running out and I'm stuck doing this movie. WAAAA.

Anyways, she goes to her life calling, aka her waitressing job, at a restaurant that is owned by a very Indian man, which makes me assume it's Indian food. She talks to her co-worker/best friend about "blowing the interview" as if that is simply what she did - in fact, for any normal person what just happened to her would be qualified as both a meltdown and the single most mortifying experience ever to occur.

She goes to take some fat kid's order and he calls her a chowder head - my first laugh of the movie. Then her boyfriend shows up and he is officially the first worthwhile reason to watch this movie. He takes one look at how terrible looking she is and asks, "What happened to you?" while chuckling. HA!

Brownbagger?

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Posted in Christmas Specials by HayHor at 12:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Last Comment: trey on Jan 1, 2008 12:44 AM.