***This week we will be celebrating the holidays with Christmas recaps. First up is SexyPanda with Shrek The Halls!!
It's Christmas, and that means the season of perpetual hope and peace and love and Baby Jesus and family and friends.
OR...it means fights and crabby people and panic and anger and tears and bankruptcy.
With Shrek the Halls, we get it all (well, except bankruptcy, because I don't think Shrek uses money)! Just like a REAL Christmas. Join me!
(First of all, my apologies on behalf of ABC. See, they didn't put up an online episode for this, so I had to get screengrabs where I could, which meant some deft Googling on my part. I'd love to spice this up a bit with more hot, sexy ogre action, but...my hands are tied.)
We open with buns. Buttocks. Cheeks. It's Christmas, after all, the season of perpetual fannies! (Oh, don't let the Brits know I used that word.)
No, it's not a snow-covered mountain! It's Shrek's baby's bottom, dusted with baby powder after a diaper changing. How cute! Shrek's listening to Summer Breeze (sadly, not the Type O Negative version) and sunbathing in Hawaiian swim shorts while the babies play in a pool of mud next to his chair.
That fucker, Donkey, blocks his sun and interrupts with his Christmas glee. See, there's only 159 days left til Christmas! "He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake!, " Donkey sings. Shrek shoos Donkey away. "I don't care about Christmas."
Sooner than later, it's autumn and Shrek's chopping wood for winter as the leaves fall. Donkey interrupts again, nearly getting hisself decapitated, to sing "Jingle Bells". Shrek is pissed now--he really does NOT care about Christmas!
Now it's winter, and Shrek heads out to shovel the walk. He takes one shovelfull of snow and DAMMIT, there's Donkey again! "Dashing through the snow...!" he sings! Oh wait, Shrek is shoveling the route to the outhouse! Excellent! But doesn't he just crap in the house? I mean, he IS an ogre.
Just as Shrek gets finished shouting his breath into Donkey's face about how NO ONE here cares about Christmas, Fiona bursts out of the house, exclaiming about the white Christmas! Shrek is like, "ohhhhh shit."
Donkey wants to level with Fiona but Shrek decides to eat his feelings and play pretend, just to save his marriage. Smart man.
Credits! Shrek is running across a snowy field to that crazy theatrical trailer song they play when things are crazy and dramatic. Ya know, the one with a chorus singing things in a Russian-ish manner that ends with crazy timpani bing-bongs? YOU know! You do! I know you do! Anyway, turns out he was heading to town to buy a book about Christmas. He can't fuck this up now! Fiona will divorce his ass!
The bookshop lady sells Shrek "The Village Idiot's Guide to Christmas", which spells it all out, from decorating the house to the stockings at the fireplace and the tree. Shrek's all set. She really wants to make the sale because the store is closing, but also, the book kinda sums it all up perfectly. Shrek'll take it.
Shrek is back out on the streets, as villagers fling themselves by with worry about their perfect Christmases. Needing the perfect toy, being out of marshmallows for the sweet potatoes, having no egg nog. Shrek is concerned.
Next morning--Shrek is outside, decorating the house. He hangs a toilet seat on the front door as a wreath. We pull back and see that Shrek basically threw Sanford and Sons' junkyard on top of his house as decoration. Donkey appears to tell him he's doing it all wrong. He needs tinsel and lights! Donkey gives Shrek a Christmas card, and he's characteristically grumpy about it.
Donkey tells Fiona that he'll help Shrek get it right. Fiona's like, "um, no thx. We want a FAMILY Christmas, ya know, first one with the kids." Donkey's all sad. Shrek's around the side of the house, checking the book, fretting that he's getting it wrong. Fiona grabs him to head out for a family day in the snowy woods.
Sledding! Fiona capturing snakes and burping in their faces to paralyze them and bend them into candy cane shapes! The Shrek/Fiona triplets blowing up lizards to use as Christmas tree balls! Uprighting a rotting log to use as a Christmas tree! Yoinking a possum off a tree to cook up as the Christmas roast!
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