TVgasm Recaps

I think we can all agree that the economy has been in a slump, and that it has taken awhile for the great Capitalist Pigs to get things running properly again. There are certain groups of people, however, that never seem to be out of work, even when everybody else seems to be losing their jobs - plastic surgeons, trial lawyers, politicians, and people who blog about television, movies, or celebrity goings on. One would believe that you could assuredly add Oscar-winning Actor to that list. Things, however, are not always what they seem.

We've all seen ads for adult incontinence, and they've always been fairly amusing, but nothing really compares to this commercial I happened to catch during a casual viewing of Lingo:

I don't know what part of this commercial cracks me up most. Maybe it's the old lady dressed in a blazer who proclaims "I'm doing what I want to do" - which apparently means she really wants to throw upside-down frisbees to giant dogs. Or maybe it's the ghetto green screen backdrops it each shot. Or maybe it's the creepy expressions of relief from the old folks at the end. Or maybe it's the old black guy who looks like he's 35 and has baby powder in his eyebrows.

Part of me really thinks the tagline - "High absorbency, leakage control, very comfortable" - is so awkward and poorly phrased that it might take the cake. But no. The very best part of this commercial has to be the slow-mo demonstration of an old lady actually putting on these fluffy diapers. Do we really need to see that? Yes. Yes, we do. Bravo, Home Delivery Incontinence Supplies! You have created a masterpiece!

UPDATE: It was quite the lackluster Super Bowl for commercials. Some of our thoughts and three videos after the jump.

CBS keeps Rambah-ling on.

Network executives have long been criticized and scrutinized for finding a working formula for great TV then abusing it to hell, and the Rambah train is no exception. After three Survivor seasons and an Amazing Race under their (expanding) belt, Rambah is 8 days away from the 2 hour special event that is their wedding. YAWN!

Last night during the Survivor Palau Finale, CBS unveiled their promo for the new special ROB AND AMBER GET MARRIED, and it hit me like a ton of bricks...I hate them. I guess I've been dancing around it for months, but I truly hate these two. He's cocky and she's on her way to heartbreak. I mean, the only thing he loves more than himself is the power of notoriety; she’s at best a distant third. These two need jobs, real jobs. No more coasting through life being rewarded for merely existing. These people have been on so many shows I didn't even know under what category to put this posting. Amazing Race? Survivor? The Player? I ultimately decided on Commercials, 'cause their entire existence has become bad salesmanship.

This is why I am boycotting the wedding special next week. If that show gets ratings, their deal with E! will be finalized and then they will never go away. I will be setting all TV's at my home and office to NBC on May 24th and I urge like-minded TV owners to do the same. Let B-Side's recap be sufficient. Like a decent meal, I have enjoyed them whilst they were around, tasted of their flavor, digested the memory and now it's time for the big flush...in non-articulate nor poetic verbiage, I guess what I'm trying to say is, once fine and dandy, they are now shit.

I suppose I would have interest in the televised divorce. FOX, you listening?

I love Quizno's. I mean, I love Quiznos. But there is one thing that I despise more than just about anything on TV right now: Quizno's commercials. You know what I'm talking about: stupid talking baby. Yes, for those of you unfamiliar with this ill-advised marketing choice, Quizno's has elected to hawk their tasty sandwiches with the ever-annoying (and disarmingly creepy) talking baby mascot. I know what you're thinking: "Didn't the talking baby schtick go out of style four years ago?" Yes. "And wait, was it ever funny, even when it was popular?" NO. Still, despite this, some idiot either at Quizno's has decided to resurrect the timeless comedy of CBS's Baby Bob and force it on pop culture once again.

So imagine my delight to come across this posting on Craigslist:

JEFF GERRARD CASTING (818)782-9900 Is Seeking Thje Following: The Baby we are currently using to play "Baby Bob" in our SAG QUIZNO's Campaign (Who we found thru CraigsList - Yea!!!) is getting older and soon will step down

Wait, could it be? Is Quizno's finally retiring this awful, awful ad campaign??? Have our prayers been answered? For a fleeting moment, a giddy exuberance overcame me, and just when I was about to bolt to Quizno's for a celebratory Spicy Monterey Club (my fave), I decided to read the rest of the post...

so we are looking for babies 6 months to 9 1/2 months old (NO OLDER PLEASE!!!) who look like "Baby Bob" (Go To quiznos.com to check him out). Must be CAUCASIAN and have a full face. Can be a boy or girl (As long as parents are willing to cut the hair short to look like a boy - the current "Baby Boy" is a girl). We are open to seeing single, twins, triplets, whatever. This baby is trhe whole campaign so please NO CRIERS!!! Babies must be outgoing and willing to be held by a number of people through-out the day. The most important thing is that the baby MUST LOOK LIKE OUR CURRENT "BABY BOB".

NOOOOOOO!!! The campaign continues! Must we see this "Baby Bob" (wow, they really did just rip off that sitcom) slowly evolving over time, becoming more and more annoying with each passing commercial? There's only one way to fight this. I encourage everyone to boycott Quizno's until this campaign is over (and hey, they could lower their prices a tad too, but I'll settle for just a victory on the baby front). Also, parents should flood the casting office with tons of "criers" who will so annoy the directors that they'll simply call off the entire ad campaign in exasperation. Sounds like a realistic goal, yes?

Update: Reader jgray informs me that you can watch all of the ads online at AOL.com as well.

So the other night I came across an informercial for the Little Giant Ladder System. I was immediately drawn in. After all, the spot did feature the one and only Richard Karn, star of Home Improvement, Family Feud, and Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch. As I listened to the various actors repeat the words "Little Giant" over and over again, I got to thinking. What if "Little Giant" was merely a euphemism for "penis"? Suddenly, the informercial became a lot funnier. See for yourself...

There's a great new commercial on television these days. It features the always lovable Jerome Bettis talking about asthma. Now, I know that doesn't sound very enticing, but trust me, it's amazing. It's the sort of non-ironic commercial spot I didn't think companies made anymore. I'll take you through it step by step, and I'll also keep the dialogue completely intact. None of these clever, fake TVgasm quotes. Just sit back and enjoy this very special commercial.

Last night, I saw this commercial for Sun-Maid raisins that really disturbed me. Some brilliant advertising firm thought it'd be an awesome idea to turn that little Sun-Maid woman into a vacant-eyed, CGI zombie. Why are companies doing this? First Toys 'R' Us turns Geoffrey the Giraffe into a CGI giraffe (instead of his old, cuddly incarnation), and now this? Before we know it, Tony the Tiger is going to go all Toy Story on us, and I don't even want to think about what sort of empty, lifeless transformation the Land O' Lakes woman will undergo.

Let me clarify that I have no sworn allegiances to the Sun-Maid lady. In fact, I really never thought much of her before. But way to drag the soul out of the poor woman. She's just trying to pick some grapes, for crying out loud!!

Mastercard has announced it's latest, greatest new promotion: a "Write Your Own" commercial. Applicants can choose one of two commercials to write to, including one directed by Syriana helmer, Stephen Gaghan (wow, kind of a steep career drop-off there). We hardly fancy ourselves as ad wizards, but we thought we'd give this contest a little try. Here's our submission:

Protective goggles: $9.

Heavy-duty baseball bat: $60.

Broom, Dustpan, Garbage Bags, and a Vacuum Cleaner: $110.

Bashing your television to small pieces so you never have to see another "Priceless" commercial: Priceless.

Feel free to submit your entries in our comments section. (And if you want to participate in the contest, click here).

Click to play (Quicktime 7 required)

THIS JUST IN! (Or at least, this just noticed). Male model, margarine salesman, and all-around dreamboat Fabio has gone to the dark side. That's right. His trademark flaxen locks have taken on deep, brown hues, thus officially turning him into a brunette. This news may come as a great shock to many, and already, the Red Cross is setting up local trauma centers for people too stunned to get back to their daily lives. No word on what caused this earth-shattering transformation, but we're hoping it's not an indication of failing health or shrinking man-breasts. We'll have more information as it comes in...

Hey guys! My buddy Lowell and I shot this video of a sketch we did this Fall and I thought you might like it. Enjoy!