This week on Gossip Girl, the crew returns to school, and even with minimal Blair-Chuck interaction, we have the best episode of the season thus far!
"You know, I'm getting really sick of how strict the dresscode is here, Dan."
It's the first day of senior year for our favorite UESiders, and GG tells us that the newly-single Serena is on top of the world. I would be too if I'd finally gotten rid of sad-sack Humphrey. We join her, Eric, and Lily eating breakfast, where Lily's gushing about how Bart Bass wore flip-flops on their honeymoon and never suspected that she banged Rufus the morning of their wedding. It's so romantic!
Chuck quickly joins them, and delights in breaking the Serena/Dan breakup news to Lily, while telling Serena that it's time to stop letting Dan hold her back and claim her throne as queen. Not if Blair has anything to say about it, I'm thinking. Somewhat inaccurately calling Chuck a eunuch (flaccid would be better), Serena insists she has no intention of usurping that title, which of course means it's only a matter of time until she does.
Chuck and Eric leave for mimosas in the limo, while Lily lightly grills Serena for the breakup details. She says she'll be okay, but is worried about seeing Dan every damn day now with school. Speaking of, Dan's in the ghetto, also worried about the post-breakup awkwardness. But not too worried to give Rufus shit about the Vanessa-ringer he's dating sneaking out that morning. Klassy. Jenny joins them and half-heartedly tries to convince Rufus to let her ditch school, since it's "draft day" -- where Blair & the minions determine which girls have potential and will be "projects", and which girls are total losers and will be "victims". As a former failed project, Little J is not looking forward to another draft, but Rufus ships her off to school anyway.
"Can't I just stay here and pretend not to hear you having sex with Vanessa look-alikes? It's just slightly less emotionally scarring."
We head over to school, where draft day is already awesomely in swing. Blair & the minions are holding court on the steps as girls approach for evaluations -- complete with resumes and interviews. Conspicuously missing is the midget, Hazel. In watching applicants crash and burn, we learn two no-nos for getting drafted -- don't have season tickets to the Knicks, and don't wear last season's designer flats. What does work is plopping a gigantic, hideous bow in your hair and offering to whore out your brother and his friends.
Chuck's taking full advantage of draft day by getting his hands on the applicants' dossiers and determining which lucky ladies will get to try to get Mr. Chuckie to stand at attention. He drops one off with Blair personally, explaining it's for a new transfer student. She taunts him about how she and JaMarcus are better than ever, which Chuck barely responds to. Odd. Maybe he's too busy wondering if the Living Doll that should arrive today will do the trick. He sent them a picture of Blair and everything.
Nate tracks down Vanessa -- wearing a purple shirt, red leggings/jeans, and mounds of tacky gold jewelry -- in Brooklyn, and tries to figure out why she ran out on him at the party last episode. It's Nate, so this could take at least a couple of seasons. Vanessa doesn't budge, and tells him they were never even friends before running off to catch the Fraggle Rock rerun about to start.
"You're blowing me off for a show about muppets that live in a cave?"
Back at school, Dan is skulking at Jenny's beautiful wood-paneled locker, looking for Serena in the girls' hallway. Not knowing that Serena had spotted him earlier and avoided him, he whines about not running into her while Jenny freaks out when the minions walk by and completely ignore her. Realizing they both suck at life, the Humphreys separate, and Dan heads over to the boys' part of the building. But before he can get very far, he literally bumps into a dowdy brunette with some very unfortunate blunt-cut bangs and an annoying voice. She introduces herself as Amanda -- the transfer student Chuck was telling Blair about.
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