It's all come down to this. For years and years, or to be more accurate, two months, we have followed the trials and tribulations of these mothers and daughters clawing their way to the middle. It's been a crazy ride, and one I won't soon forget. After all of the training, workshops, recitals and whip-cracking from Linnea, we're finally at the live pageant. Here's to you, Crowned, for delighting and pissing us off. Let's find out who gets Crowned after the jump.

Oh please. Anyone else wanna stab her in the kidney?

Posted by FozzieBare at 4:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

There's only more episode left and I'm already starting to feel sad. I don't know where I'm going to go to find dumb, bitchy, shallow, moronic women constantly undermining each other and acting bat-shit crazy. Well I guess there's always The Bachelor, the Bachelorette, Wild Girl's Club, Rock of Love, Flava of Love, The Simple Life, America's Next Top Model, Big Brother, Cashmere Mafia, Gossip Girl, Girls Next Door, Desperate Housewives, Project Runway, The Apprentice, Lipstick Jungle, Grey's Anatomy, The Hills, Miss America, I Love New York, Hey Paula, Private Practive, Real World, Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Real Housewies or Orange County, ...........

But those shows are all just so plastic.

Posted by FozzieBare at 12:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I know I should love Crowned. I love crazy chicks. I love sequins. I adore crazy chicks in sequins, hence my love of Dynasty from age 4. However, there's something about this that hasn't grabbed me yet. I don't know if it's the fact that crazy can only get you so far or the fact that pageants are an archaic, misogynistic ritual made to objectify women in the guise of a "scholarship contest." You don't make someone wear a bathing suit to get a scholarship.

Anyway, the crazy ramped up a little this week and I have a feeling we're headed for a big blowup complete with hair pulling and scratching. Now that's what a pageant is meant to be!

Oh, yes they did!

Posted by FozzieBare at 2:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I know I've received some criticism for my use of the word "fat" to describe Angela. Now there are a whole slew of names I want to call her but can't use the majority of them in more than 12 states. I sincerely feel this woman is the root of all reality show evil, so I'm going to keep on insisting that she's a fat pig even though she's around my goal weight. Do her and her evil minion rise to the occasion this week or do they fall flat on their fat asses? Let's find out after this jump.

Posted by FozzieBare at 7:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Previously on Crowned, we had to bid adieu to Pamela and Felicia, the resident truck stop cocktail waitress and her silent daughter Felicia, AKA Chaka from Land of the Lost. One team must also go home this week and we can only pray that it's Angela and Tinea. Do either of these skanks show an ounce of talent in the competition this week?

This face has a talent. I'm not sure how to label it yet, but it's plain as day.

Posted by FozzieBare at 1:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Last week on Crowned, the same thing happened that always happens on reality shows when you get a bunch of people living in a house together: the house split into two warring factions, and all the ladies' cycles synced up. The realists (the artists formerly known as Silent But Deadly) were desashed in a painful desashing ceremony, but according to them the desashing was a medical necessity due to a deviated septum. Nine pairs are left, and one mother-daughter team will be sent packing. Find out whom after the jump. And after a lot of snarking about these vapid bitches. I seriously hate every one of them.

Someone had sex with this woman at least once. Shivers.

Posted by FozzieBare at 8:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

When I was first asked to recap the CWs latest experiment in "Man, chicks are crazy" called Crowned, I was ecstatic because I love reality shows, I adore sequins, and I live for crazy chicks. I obviously didn't know what I was getting into.

Crowned pits mother/daughter teams against other mother/daughter teams in a beauty pageant to determine which pair will win a hundred grand and a bejeweled accessory, I forget exactly which accessory. You think one chick is crazy? Wait until you see the loins from which that crazy sprung. More insanity after the jump.

This is just too easy.

Posted by FozzieBare at 6:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)