Last week on Crowned, the same thing happened that always happens on reality shows when you get a bunch of people living in a house together: the house split into two warring factions, and all the ladies' cycles synced up. The realists (the artists formerly known as Silent But Deadly) were desashed in a painful desashing ceremony, but according to them the desashing was a medical necessity due to a deviated septum. Nine pairs are left, and one mother-daughter team will be sent packing. Find out whom after the jump. And after a lot of snarking about these vapid bitches. I seriously hate every one of them.
Someone had sex with this woman at least once. Shivers.
The episode starts with Hollis leading a group prayer in memoriam to their fallen sisteren, Alana and Annette. Angela is in the next room cheering that neither her team nor a team from her bedroom went home. Hollis laments that it's very sad that a hardworking, positive, polite team like Alana and Annette had to leave, alluding to the fact that Tenia and Angela are still there. While Hollis whines, Tenia and Christan are in the kitchen "booty" dancing on the desashed team's grave.
Those asses are about the only thing you two are gonna have to get ahead in the real world, girls. Keep em in shape.
The next morning, resident raging bull dyke, Linnea Meloni gathers up the "ladies" and informs them that they are all due on the front lawn in 15 minutes dressed in their finest evening gowns, just like when my mom used to make me mow the lawn. There's a lot of racing and hopping around while shimmying into panty hose, as everyone fights over mirror time. Ada and Christan argue about shoes, which is what led to the assassination of archduke Ferdinand, and Ada says that it's not what Christan says but how she says it. Chicks, man.
Fallen Project Runway contestant Nick Varios is brought onto the lawn to critique the ladies and tell them everything they've ever done wrong, ever. Rachelle is told to stay away from the strategically placed cutout in her dress since it makes her look like an extra from the first 15 minutes of Pretty Woman. Gina is told that she needs to wear more bling since the sparkle will detract from her Ronald Reagan neck waddle and cankles. Moya's dress is far too long, causing her to have a 5-foot train and since she's obviously not Princess Di, you can tell since she has a head, she is instructed to have her gown hemmed. What, too soon? Still?
Anyway, Patty, AKA Mona's the Boss is told that she looks too much like the mother of a bride, which is appropriate since her gown is the one she wore to Laura's wedding. I find this shocking that anyone would marry that fire-crotched soprano. Pamela is told that she made a good choice in picking a dress, however the black mules need to go (back to 1997 when they were still cool). Heather receives high points for her dress but is instructed to have it tailored to show off her tiny waist. If you got bulimia, flaunt it girl. Christan loses points for choosing a dress that accentuates her ass and her cleavage. Nick recommends that in the future she just highlight one area such as her racism or this trick she can do with a stack of quarters.
You're hired! Just please don't speak.
Ada is told that she's just a mess, the dress doesn't fit well, it looks cheap and no one will ever love you. Nicole's dress is a little too over the top, and has another trashy cutout, this one right at the crotch below a neon sign that reads, "Hot, Fresh, Now." Angela receives the harshest criticism when Nick tells her that she's just a mess, and a bit of a raging bitch. Her dress is more wrinkled than Mona's face making the dress look like it's been in the floorboard of an '89 Camaro for three hours.
After the critiques, the mothers are given the opportunity to stampede a few racks of gowns to choose outfits that will flatter both them and their daughters. The mom's are given 30 minutes to rifle through the gowns and grab on a first come first snatch basis. Mindy, AKA Snaggletooth looks terrified as she tries to pick two gowns that her daughter won't go all Veruca Salt on.
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Comments (10)
Can we have a season like the bachelor? where EVERYONE is eventually desashed?
1 of 10 | Posted by stacyp | Posted on January 1, 2008 12:02 AM
Wow. You really don't like anyone in this show, do you? XD I guess that's fine. I was just very put-off by those scathing comments. Yikes!
Though I will agree with you, that Angela is the biggest bitch ever to bitch the face of this earth. Seriously, she 'waddles' (lol I loved that) into the kitchen acting like she's ohsoinnocent, and adds fuel to the fire when Hollis isn't doing anything. Some people just like to pick fights, and I'm glad I am not in that house, because I'd start bawling my eyes out, too. And then I'd punch Angela right in her ugly face. It's not very queen-like to flash people. Augh.
Speaking of big heads: sunspot.jpg I cannot believe how ginormous Jenileigh's head is compared to her mom's. That is so not pretty. She looks like a giant there XD
I like Hollis and Gina, myself. I hope they advance further.
2 of 10 | Posted by trey | Posted on January 1, 2008 12:03 AM
I am so glad someone is recapping this show. It deserves to be mocked in a way no other show has been.
3 of 10 | Posted by 1976honi | Posted on January 1, 2008 9:22 AM
I still can't believe firecrotch is married. I wonder what kind of man would marry that? I guess there is hope for everyone.
4 of 10 | Posted by gigglesgirlee | Posted on January 1, 2008 1:02 PM
Love the recap!!
You should post the pictures that were taken (i.e. America's Next Top Model).
5 of 10 | Posted by MissKatty | Posted on January 2, 2008 11:29 AM
Wow, can we have a recapper that actually likes the show? Its one thing to love to hate a show, but jeez your comments were beyond snarky... they bordered on cruel. Not fun to read and I generally like the snark. This was just too much.
6 of 10 | Posted by Spring | Posted on January 3, 2008 1:50 AM
Very very funny!!! Loved every minute! "Mormon Pageant...." can't stop laughing!!!! Keep up the good work!
7 of 10 | Posted by 2funny2b4real | Posted on January 3, 2008 11:17 AM
The best name I could come up with for Christan is Pornfolio.
Ada is still uninspiring, so how about Uninspiring and Pornfolio?
8 of 10 | Posted by 1976honi | Posted on January 4, 2008 9:42 AM
Is it just me, but without her glasses, doesn't Ada look a little bit like a blonde Courtney Cox? My only thought for a name for her was Blah-nde.
For the daughter, how about Parolemodel?
That Angela is a real piece of work. She has the audacity to confront others about talking behind the back and cursing? Didn't she just do that one or two episodes ago when she was saying how two of the girls weren't pretty because they had a huge hump on their nose? And then started dancing and singing about the hump? She is a pig.
9 of 10 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on January 4, 2008 12:01 PM
Oh Fozzie, anytime you need a comment, call on me . . . this was really hard to read tho, not having seen the show, the names were hard to follow, but it's not you're fault!!! You're one of my fav recapper's eva, so when I saw you doing that show, I just had to read (esp. with the loss of D-ho's) but I guess one epi wasn't enough to drill those names in . . . ah, well, looks like you've found some fans here though!
HEART!
10 of 10 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on January 4, 2008 12:33 PM