It's all come down to this. For years and years, or to be more accurate, two months, we have followed the trials and tribulations of these mothers and daughters clawing their way to the middle. It's been a crazy ride, and one I won't soon forget. After all of the training, workshops, recitals and whip-cracking from Linnea, we're finally at the live pageant. Here's to you, Crowned, for delighting and pissing us off. Let's find out who gets Crowned after the jump.
Oh please. Anyone else wanna stab her in the kidney?
We begin with all of the "ladies" entering their dressing rooms backstage at the CWs gyma-caffe-torium, which comfortably seats up to 17 people. As usual Firecrotch is being a raging C U Next Tuesday to her mother while rehearsing their dance number. Mona is hurt by her daughter's demoralizing comments but is luckily unable to express any emotion on her ballistics gel face.
Hollis and Gina, meanwhile, come to a truce: Hollis promises not be snappy and mean if Gina promises to not be emotional and dramatic or make out with anyone in public. Snaggletooth and Bighead come to a similar truce: Bighead promises to be bitchy and judgmental if Snaggletooth promises to bring up her kidney transplant every chance she gets. Unitard and Moya are mostly concerned with their hair.
And not returning to the streets.
Everyone slinks in to their gowns and takes the stage for their introductory dance number set to a pre-recorded version of "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better." All of the desashed teams are back for the number and you can tell that those teams don't give a single rat's backside since they're not winning any money no matter what they do. The majority just look pissed off and bored while they lip sync, much like Britney until K-Fed came along and made life worth living again.
The CW really trotted out their best pony for this show. Soap legend Jack Wagner takes the stage as host and emcee for the evening's ceremonies. Remember when Jack Wagner was hot back on Melrose Place? Well now he's looking more and more like Richard Chamberlain coming off a bender. He reminds us all that the women are competing for custom-made diamond necklaces, mother-daughter tiaras and $100,000. Of course the necklaces are actually "diamondique, the tiaras were obtained at Burger King and the money is in Yemenian dollars. This is the CW after all.
Don't forget the Veronica Mars Season 2 DVDs!
Jack introduces us once again to our illustrious panel of world famous judges beginning with Carson Cressley of How to Look Like a Naked Queer Guy fame. Carson is dressed to the nine's for the event in a rented tuxedo, making him look even more like Marlena Dietrich than usual. Shanna Moekler is up next, with her hair in a Dixie Chick puff-hawk, while wearing a slinky white dress which beautifully accentuates her flabby sideboob. Last we have public image consultant and cocoa goddess, Cynthia Garrett with her ironed Cher hair.
Jack gets the evening started with the swimsuit competition and up first are Mona and Firecrotch. Luckily I learned how to type using the home row because my eyesight hasn't completely returned. Firecrotch does have a hot little body, but Mona has been nipped, tucked, pulled, stretched, refaced, lasered and botoxed so much she looks like Faye Dunaway's forehead.
No more wire hangers!
After they strut around to a Squirrel Nut Zipper B-side track, they get their turn to be judged. Carson tells the team that they exuded sassitude, which for those of you who are not gay, or are mentally impaired in some fashion, is a combination of the words "sass" and "attitude" as Carson thankfully explains. However, it wasn't all good from Carson since he feels that they were a little too blinged out with sparkles on their swimsuits, matching earrings, anklets, and the C-clamps holding Mona's face on. Shanna tells them that in the teamwork department, they were disconnected but that is not surprising since both of them have been trying to ditch the other for about 20 years. Cynthia feels that there wasn't a strong enough differentiation between mother and daughter, even though Mona is obvious at least 90 years older than her spawn.
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Comments (7)
Oh Fozzie, How you've suffered for us gasmi!!!! The least I can do is send you endless love for your acid fingers (as opposed to tongue) Thanks so much for more guffaws than I can count!!!!!!
1 of 7 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 4, 2008 6:01 PM
fozzie,
Great recaps. I've been a loyal reader of TVGasm for a couple of years but this is my first comment. Your snarkiness was right on with this group, and no, you were not too hard on Mona and Firecrotch. They had it coming! Hoping there's a second season only if you'll be doing the recaps.
2 of 7 | Posted by briar | Posted on February 4, 2008 6:02 PM
I concur. You are a very good recapper and I enjoyed those.
You weren't too harsh on Mona and Firecrotch and even if you were also harsh on the nicer teams, that's what makes the recaps on TVGasm fun ! It is nothing personal, it's just TV !
I am a little surprised Unitard got a better score than Snaggletooth on the last section but what do I know ?
Anybody else noticed that the winner and the runner-up were the two teams that had actual Misses (Unitard and BigHead) in their midst ?
Goes on to show you ... winning pageants require experience !
3 of 7 | Posted by doriangz | Posted on February 4, 2008 9:46 PM
Excellent work, Fozzie. Reading these recaps got me watching this show about mid-way through. This had to be the best train wreck of a reality show this season. Utterly ridiculous and yet fascinating at the same time.
Were you too hard on Mona and Firecrotch? Not possible. They deserve each other, the witches.
I do hope there's another season of this. I'd totally watch it, provided there's nothing else remotely worth watching at the same time.
4 of 7 | Posted by ChicagoGal | Posted on February 5, 2008 1:48 PM
Great Job Fozzie - I once had a boyfriend named firecrotch.. could find him anywhere!
5 of 7 | Posted by krut | Posted on February 5, 2008 8:34 PM
Excellent recaps! I was thrilled with the ambush desashing, but, felt ripped off because we didn't get to see them throw a hissy! I was surprised by the ones that won, although any of the last three couples were fine with me. I was surprised that the one couple did so badly with the interview questions, shocked is more what I was feeling!
6 of 7 | Posted by nwokpeach | Posted on February 5, 2008 10:57 PM
I agree with you nwokpeach! Let's face it. We knew those FireBitches weren't going to win so we have just been hanging around until they were kicked off to see their tantrum. We were robbed. Though it probably couldn't top seeing Angela and whassername coming out of the toilet wiping their hands on their dresses with the sound of flushing in the background. LOL
7 of 7 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on February 6, 2008 6:06 AM