Testimonials

Up next are Moya and Unitard who take the stage with confidence and poise. I know I've been harsh on Unitard for her broadback and troubled T-zone, but somehow the makeup and hair people were able to take this sows ear and turn her into an entire pig. Unitard is a sturdy girl, beefed up with muscle from crawling about on silk scarves in the air, but she looks taught and tone in her swimsuit. Moya wears a sarong but that choice is O saright as it looks like the sheer wraps that all moms wear to hide the dreaded back thigh dimples. Cynthia and Carson both love their teamwork, and Shanna also gives high marks.

And a dollar.

Next are fan favorites Gina and Hollis and I must admit, I didn't think either of these ladies were swimsuit material. Unfortunately Gina proved me right, but played it smart with another classy sarong and a one piece, whereas Hollis wowed me when she strutted out looking like a kitten with a whip. She's been saving her A-game to the finale because it turns out that she has a smokin' little body and exuded a certain "you can stick it anywhere" vibe. Surprisingly Cynthia and Carson both say that the two didn't do well on the teamwork, which is the one point that this team has always excelled at throughout the entire competition. Shanna disagrees and says that they were polished perfection, not be confused with underwear model Hans Strubideski who is Polish perfection.

Last up in the swimsuit competition are Snaggletooth and Bighead, and never before has Bighead's big head ever looked like such a big head. Shanna tells Snaggletooth that she looked nervous and it's too late in the game not to own the stage, much like when you play Theatre Mogul Monopoly. Cynthia agrees with Shanna, and Carson didn't like that the swimsuits weren't coordinated, or the fact that Snaggletooth offered to sleep with the judges for points.

I wanna tilt that head back and see if a Pez pops out.

Jack receives the scores from the judges and the team that was most willing to humiliate themselves and be judged on pure aesthetics in a bathing suit on national television were Unitard and Moya with a cumulative score of 29. As Jack begins to usher the ladies backstage Snaggletooth begins to shake and squats down on the stage as dramatic music plays. Initially I thought she was just pooping since the stage on national television is as good a place as any (c'mon, we've all done it), but I quickly found out that she was actually experiencing some kind of medical episode brought on by stress and the fact that her body was rejecting her bathing suit.

Medical professionals rush to the stage and give her oxygen and cold compresses while a crew of fireman use the jaws of life to remove her one-piece. Luckily they are able to stabilize her enough so that she begins to ask for fried chicken again just like she did immediately after her kidney tranplant. To Bighead's credit, she was very supportive during the entire episode, although you could tell that she was wishing she had gone with that stranger in a van when she was 7.

And then a bag of heroin dropped out.

The show must go on, so Jack informs us that the talent competition is set to begin. Up first we have Mona proving their is truly no rest for the arthritic as she pounds on the keys of a piano while Firecrotch screeches like that banshee in Darby O'Gill and the Little People. In the middle of the song Firecrotch transposes words and, being a true professional, stops singing and turns around to her mother and says "O my gosh, I messed up." She steps away from the mic to read the lyrics before strutting back to the microphone to sadly begin all over again. The little blood orange messes up again but this time stumbles through to the bitter end. When judging time comes Shanna says, "positively dreadful" while Cynthia says "you looked beautiful but you're not right for this competition" followed by Carson saying that it was "a little pitchy, dawg."

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