Testimonials

Next up are Moya and Unitard, with both of them fully living up to the daughter's moniker. Unitard ascends two silk scarves, using every muscle possible as her mother grabs the silk and spins her daughter around like a dervish with a drinking problem. This team performed this stunt previously in the practice round and lost points for not including the mother more, but luckily learned from their mistakes. This time around Unitard hangs upside down and lets her mother swing from her like Unitard is some kind of living jungle gym. The judges give high marks for their performance.

Who says giving birth to your mother's head isn't a talent?

Up next are Gina and Hollis, who previously mutilated an acapella version of "Come Rain or Shine" and this time around, they merely maim it. Carson says that there was improvement from last time, but still not great. Shanna and Cynthia both compliment the duo for their teamwork, but despite all the compliments on their partnership, camaraderie, style and improvement, we all know the song sucked big floppy donkey *&^%.

Snaggletooth must have got some chicken or crank because she and Bighead take the stage next and swing dance like it was 1996 again. Unlike the practice episode, this time around Bigheads hat stays securely in place. Well that's not entirely true. It's not so much a hat as it is an above ground swimming pool turned upside down and placed atop her enormous noggin. Snaggletooth doesn't let her panic attack, sprained knee, kidney transplant or bizarrely placed tooth stop her either, as she jitterbugs her way into the judges cold, black, lifeless hearts. Once again, kudos all around for their performance.

Can I just say: the commercials with this adorable dude trying to leave a voicemail for some girl are absolutely hysterical. "Top o' the mornin' to ya." He should get his own show just doing that. The McDonalds food arguing around a big table like they're the U.N. about which one belongs on the dollar menu should not.

Anyway, it's time to reward the highest scoring team in the talent competition and shockingly Mona and Firecrotch come in dead last leaving them in last place. Gina and Hollis are in third, Moya and Unitard are in second and Snaggletooth and Bighead, with a perfect score of 30, are in first place.

HAHA

Backstage Mona and Firecrotch belabor excuses for their dramatic failure during the talent portion. Mona says that the lights obscured her vision so she wasn't sure what note she was playing and Firecrotch says that she cocked it up because she was born without any talent, or a discernable chin or a soul.

Gina tries to blame herself for her team's third place standing but Hollis is positive and thinks they can still come back. Poor, stupid, pie-in-the-sky Hollis. Snaggletooth and Bighead ride high on their win but realize they are only one point ahead at this point. Unitard moans to her mother that she is disappointed that they are now one point behind, and wishes that they were one point ahead instead. Interesting strategy, Unitard. You must be some kind of statistician, no?

Is my penis showing?

It's time to take the stage for the evening gown competition, which is basically nothing more than walking around in a dress. My uncle Rory did that and all he won was a beer bottle thrown at his head by some douche bag from Jersey.

Mona and Firecrotch are up first and as they glide elegantly down the staircase they pass by two frighteningly large pictures of themselves from approximately 20 years ago. Firecrotch looked just like The Little Girl Who Lived Down the Lane, complete with ice pick and venomous glare, whereas Mona looked exactly like Barbara Streisand circa Nuts. I know I've made a lot of, up 'til now, unsubstantiated comments about the amount of plastic surgery that this woman has had, but once you see her next to a picture of her former self it's like watching the Jackson 5 Variety Hour and then immediately watching that documentary where Michael was climbing a tree and wearing a surgical mask. The ladies get blasé remarks from the judges once again proving that wishing upon a star actually works.

You thought I was kidding, didn't you?

Next up are Moya and Unitard in basic black dresses, which we all know are the haven for chunky-thighed gals. Carson says that they looked decent, but insists that Unitard remove her earrings, as they are too much bling, and give them to him immediately. Shanna like their connection and teamwork, as did Cynthia, so overall these two did very well.

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