Gina and Hollis are up next and once again Hollis looks stunning, while Gina looks like a mom who should be baking a casserole while she waits for her saleman husband to come home. She's an attractive lady, but doesn't work it like a drag queen, which is what all of the judges really want to see.
Snaggletooth and Bighead go next and surprisingly they both look great. Snaggletooth uses a closed mouth smile and Bighead used a little alum in her Sleek and Shine. Once again, great remarks from all of the judges.
At least try to fake it, Gina!
When time for judging comes, Snaggletooth and Bighead take first place, while Moya and Unitard take second place. Before Jack announces the other two team's placement, he stops the show to announce an "ambush" desashing. One of the many studly cabana boys strides on stage with the ceremonial jewel encrusted desashing scissors placed delicately on a chintzy pillow from Ikea. Jack asks Gina and Hollis to pick up the scissors to desash (pause for effect) Mona and Firecrotch! YES! Hollis pretends to be unhappy, but we all know that inside she's dying to use those scissors for their true purpose, stabbing losers. Mona and Firecrotch are desashed and sent back to their nest on the side of a volcano.
Beautiful smile, though.
Unfortunately this leaves Gina and Hollis in last place, but the all important interview portion of the contest still remains. Snaggletooth and Bighead are brought out first and are asked their interview question: "What is the platform issue you speak on and why?" Surprise, surprise they choose to speak about the importance of kidney transplants. Their stance is that you should get one because if you're ever on a reality show you'll last a lot longer than you should if you talk about it every damn day.
The second portion of the question is a tricky one, as Jack asks the ladies, "if you win the $100,000 grand prize, how much of that would you be willing to commit to advance your platform?" Bighead has a lot of knowledge up in that melon so she adeptly responds that she would be willing to use as much as needed to get her non-profit kidney transplant organization up and running. Very wise not to mention a certain dollar amount or percentage there, as it may only be a matter of buying a two line telephone to launch her "non-profit."
How's your KIDNEY TRANSPLANT, mom?
Gina and Hollis take the stage next and I want nothing more than for them to redeem themselves here. When asked the same question, Hollis speaks about her desire to go into schools and encourage kids to speak about their feelings and learn to communicate at an early age. Gina states that she would also like to go into schools, but would mostly just go to hang out by the track and wolf whistle at the track team in their short shorts.
When Jack asks part two of the question, I can see the hope for redemption fading as the two look at each other dumbstruck for a moment wondering what would be an acceptable answer. Gina pipes up and says ten percent since that is what she is taught in church, but Hollis expands on her mother's answer but sadly stumbles on the words while trying to speak until her allotted time is up, as signaled by the harp music. When Hollis finishes, Cynthia simply glares at the two with a mixture of hatred, loathing, and bad seafood slathered across her ethnically ambiguous face.
Red Lobster dicked me over again. Why do I keep going back?
When Moya and Unitard are asked the question, they mention another fancy-pants non-profit idea called "If you can dream it, you can be it." Obviously neither of them ever dreamed about not living in a car. Part two of the question also takes these two by surprise, but both mother and daughter quickly realize the judges scam and say that they would be willing to give it all up if it meant helping others. This is a very important lesson to learn: tell people exactly what they want to hear. It's an old vaudeville trick and it works on dates, in job interviews, when someone asks if they look fat and it even works in pageants. Remember that kids. Just a tip from your uncle Fozzie.
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Comments (7)
Oh Fozzie, How you've suffered for us gasmi!!!! The least I can do is send you endless love for your acid fingers (as opposed to tongue) Thanks so much for more guffaws than I can count!!!!!!
1 of 7 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 4, 2008 6:01 PM
fozzie,
Great recaps. I've been a loyal reader of TVGasm for a couple of years but this is my first comment. Your snarkiness was right on with this group, and no, you were not too hard on Mona and Firecrotch. They had it coming! Hoping there's a second season only if you'll be doing the recaps.
2 of 7 | Posted by briar | Posted on February 4, 2008 6:02 PM
I concur. You are a very good recapper and I enjoyed those.
You weren't too harsh on Mona and Firecrotch and even if you were also harsh on the nicer teams, that's what makes the recaps on TVGasm fun ! It is nothing personal, it's just TV !
I am a little surprised Unitard got a better score than Snaggletooth on the last section but what do I know ?
Anybody else noticed that the winner and the runner-up were the two teams that had actual Misses (Unitard and BigHead) in their midst ?
Goes on to show you ... winning pageants require experience !
3 of 7 | Posted by doriangz | Posted on February 4, 2008 9:46 PM
Excellent work, Fozzie. Reading these recaps got me watching this show about mid-way through. This had to be the best train wreck of a reality show this season. Utterly ridiculous and yet fascinating at the same time.
Were you too hard on Mona and Firecrotch? Not possible. They deserve each other, the witches.
I do hope there's another season of this. I'd totally watch it, provided there's nothing else remotely worth watching at the same time.
4 of 7 | Posted by ChicagoGal | Posted on February 5, 2008 1:48 PM
Great Job Fozzie - I once had a boyfriend named firecrotch.. could find him anywhere!
5 of 7 | Posted by krut | Posted on February 5, 2008 8:34 PM
Excellent recaps! I was thrilled with the ambush desashing, but, felt ripped off because we didn't get to see them throw a hissy! I was surprised by the ones that won, although any of the last three couples were fine with me. I was surprised that the one couple did so badly with the interview questions, shocked is more what I was feeling!
6 of 7 | Posted by nwokpeach | Posted on February 5, 2008 10:57 PM
I agree with you nwokpeach! Let's face it. We knew those FireBitches weren't going to win so we have just been hanging around until they were kicked off to see their tantrum. We were robbed. Though it probably couldn't top seeing Angela and whassername coming out of the toilet wiping their hands on their dresses with the sound of flushing in the background. LOL
7 of 7 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on February 6, 2008 6:06 AM