The three final teams take the stage, with all of the lame-ass loser pairs standing behind them. Jack announces the second runner up, which as was recently explained to me, really means third place, are Gina and Hollis. Poise is their raison d'etre so neither lady faulters when this is announced. They simply congratulate each other and then hug their friends before heading back to Texas where they can rassle up some good old boys with shotguns to take down the two teams ahead of them since the rulebook clearly states, "if for any reason Mrs. and Miss Crowned cannot fulfil their duties......"
This is because you acted like a whore on that couch, mother.
Speaking of those two teams, it's down to Snaggletooth & Bighead and Moya & Unitard. Jack takes the envelopes and announces, "the first ever" and definitely last "winner of Crowed, the mother of all pageants is....." (once again pause for effect), "The Daredevil Divas!" with a perfect score of 30 for their interview question, Unitard and Moya are the grand prize winners. Unitard loses it and begins bawling like she just got diagnosed with cancer of the puppy. Linnea makes one last appearance when she uses her usual sturdy gait to lumber out on stage and hand the winners their roses and place their crowns atop their heads. Moya and Unitard wave and cry, both still needing a little training in the pageant queen wave since they both have some underarm flapping going on, but they're so high on life they don't even care. They can now go relax and live in their car while wearing their crowns.
Next time you see this two under the freeway, give them a little honk, won't you?
What did you think? Did the right team win? Was I too harsh on Mona and Firecrotch or did they have it all coming? Do you want to see a season two? Crowned: Cycle 2. The Bitches are Back. As you know the platform issue I speak on is comment leaving as a viable resource to feed my already fragile ego, and I would not be willing to give up one red cent to further this cause. It's mine, you hear me? MINE! Leave a comment.
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Comments (7)
Oh Fozzie, How you've suffered for us gasmi!!!! The least I can do is send you endless love for your acid fingers (as opposed to tongue) Thanks so much for more guffaws than I can count!!!!!!
1 of 7 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 4, 2008 6:01 PM
fozzie,
Great recaps. I've been a loyal reader of TVGasm for a couple of years but this is my first comment. Your snarkiness was right on with this group, and no, you were not too hard on Mona and Firecrotch. They had it coming! Hoping there's a second season only if you'll be doing the recaps.
2 of 7 | Posted by briar | Posted on February 4, 2008 6:02 PM
I concur. You are a very good recapper and I enjoyed those.
You weren't too harsh on Mona and Firecrotch and even if you were also harsh on the nicer teams, that's what makes the recaps on TVGasm fun ! It is nothing personal, it's just TV !
I am a little surprised Unitard got a better score than Snaggletooth on the last section but what do I know ?
Anybody else noticed that the winner and the runner-up were the two teams that had actual Misses (Unitard and BigHead) in their midst ?
Goes on to show you ... winning pageants require experience !
3 of 7 | Posted by doriangz | Posted on February 4, 2008 9:46 PM
Excellent work, Fozzie. Reading these recaps got me watching this show about mid-way through. This had to be the best train wreck of a reality show this season. Utterly ridiculous and yet fascinating at the same time.
Were you too hard on Mona and Firecrotch? Not possible. They deserve each other, the witches.
I do hope there's another season of this. I'd totally watch it, provided there's nothing else remotely worth watching at the same time.
4 of 7 | Posted by ChicagoGal | Posted on February 5, 2008 1:48 PM
Great Job Fozzie - I once had a boyfriend named firecrotch.. could find him anywhere!
5 of 7 | Posted by krut | Posted on February 5, 2008 8:34 PM
Excellent recaps! I was thrilled with the ambush desashing, but, felt ripped off because we didn't get to see them throw a hissy! I was surprised by the ones that won, although any of the last three couples were fine with me. I was surprised that the one couple did so badly with the interview questions, shocked is more what I was feeling!
6 of 7 | Posted by nwokpeach | Posted on February 5, 2008 10:57 PM
I agree with you nwokpeach! Let's face it. We knew those FireBitches weren't going to win so we have just been hanging around until they were kicked off to see their tantrum. We were robbed. Though it probably couldn't top seeing Angela and whassername coming out of the toilet wiping their hands on their dresses with the sound of flushing in the background. LOL
7 of 7 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on February 6, 2008 6:06 AM