There's only more episode left and I'm already starting to feel sad. I don't know where I'm going to go to find dumb, bitchy, shallow, moronic women constantly undermining each other and acting bat-shit crazy. Well I guess there's always The Bachelor, the Bachelorette, Wild Girl's Club, Rock of Love, Flava of Love, The Simple Life, America's Next Top Model, Big Brother, Cashmere Mafia, Gossip Girl, Girls Next Door, Desperate Housewives, Project Runway, The Apprentice, Lipstick Jungle, Grey's Anatomy, The Hills, Miss America, I Love New York, Hey Paula, Private Practive, Real World, Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Real Housewies or Orange County, ...........
But those shows are all just so plastic.
We begin this week shortly after the aftershocks stopped from Angela stampeding offstage when she and her daughter were desashed. Christan, AKA Hootie McBoob, and Ada, AKA Scarecrow are upset that they didn't get to say goodbye to, or get the iPod back that they loaned Ghetto Fatulous and Babyfat before they hightailed it off stage. Hollis, Bighead and Unitard are attempting a pep talk when Lauren, AKA Firecrotch tells them that she doesn't need their advice and it was not requested. Hollis tried to tell Firecrotch that she wasn't speaking to her but Firecrotch's eyes and hair go black and her skin gets pale and veiny, so the good girls know they need to leave before one of them is flayed with magic.
After the three leave, Firecrotch explains to Hootie McBoob why she got all Dark Willow on them saying that she hates when they get on their high horse and try to talk down to her. She also doesn't understand how they can talk about people being beautiful inside and out when "there are still people here who aren't pretty on the outside." Her words, not mine. Firecrotch, have you ever heard of a website called TVgasm? Because you would do great here! Anyway, Hootie tells Firecrotch that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and Firecrotch just laughs and hugs Hootie McBoob saying, "Oh that's why I love you Christan. You can always make me laugh."
Her mom is making the exact same face, just in case you couldn't read it.
The next morning Linnea comes in wearing her best Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation 1814 ensemble and informs the ladies to get dressed in their casual rehearsal clothes so that they can begin working on their opening dance number for the show. When the "ladies" enter the dance studio, they all let out a sorority girl squeal when they see all of the past contestants waiting for them. The ladies reminisce about old times. "Remember when Linnea told us to put on our casual rehearsal clothes? That was so funny."
Scott Grossman, or as we call him around the TVgasm office, Boobsweat, enters and riles up the ladies even more with a bastardization of the WCW's "are you ready to rumble?" only gayer. Boobsweat begins rehearsing with the pageanteers and we get to see that the majority dance like blind epileptics in an earthquake.
Stop looking at my boobies.
Back at the house, Linnea tells the ladies that part of their duties as Miss CW Reality Show Filler Until the Strike is Over will be to host luxurious gala functions for powerful dignitaries, such as Vince McMahon and the fat guy from Reaper. Their contest this week is to host a cocktail party for some powerful VIPs, organizing everything from drinks, to cocktails to libations.
The ladies scurry and begin setting up the lanai for their mystery dates. Gina tries to take control since she is a professional party planner back in Texas, which means she runs over the armadillo herself. Each pair creates separate hors d' oeuvres for the party ranging from twizzler and asparagus compote to tomato and cauliflower sandwiches on white bread. Mona and Firecrotch struggle the most with this portion of the challenge as neither of them knows how to cook since Mona simply gets her sustenance from the blood of freshly slain puppies and Firecrotch lives off the backwash that Mona regurgitates into her mouth.
Gina gives some last minute advice to the crew, telling them to never leave a guest alone, never act rushed or hurried and never under any circumstances take a diarrhetic right before a party. She can speak from experience.
Always make sure there's a roll of paper towels around just in case.
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Comments (6)
I laughed at the redheads so much during this episode! I mean, can they sound anymore delusional? And the little redhead is married???? OMG! Just another week of being thankful I am not them!
1 of 6 | Posted by nwokpeach | Posted on January 27, 2008 11:41 PM
fyi, gina's dude was not her husband and father to hollis, but her boyfriend. could be why hollis is so grossed out by her mom's public makeout sesh.
2 of 6 | Posted by missgolightly | Posted on January 28, 2008 5:23 AM
Brilliant blog! Seriously- it's 7 in the morning and I am spitting up my Morning Thunder Celestial Seasonings. I watched the end of the show and could not take my eyes off of Mona's chin. What kind of a doctor would do that to someone and then charge them for it? It seems to collapse on itself like a black hole whenever she attempts to smile. And her eyes are scarier than Joan Rivers' and I have met and stared down Joan Rivers. The seriousness of the "de-sashing" (not a real word- do they know?) is hilarious with the highlight being the fake scissor noise when they make the cut (I think they stole the sound effect from "Pirates Of The Caribbean One Two Or Three" Royalties!). Love this website!
3 of 6 | Posted by bingo blog boy | Posted on January 28, 2008 7:26 AM
That was hilarious but i thought the funniest was teh photo of Gina and Hollis with the caption saying "Talk about blowing dad and I will chop your head off I swear to god." THAT right there was priceless...lol Perfect!
4 of 6 | Posted by missmissy | Posted on January 28, 2008 9:32 AM
"Mona and Firecrotch struggle the most with this portion of the challenge as neither of them knows how to cook since Mona simply gets her sustenance from the blood of freshly slain puppies and Firecrotch lives off the backwash that Mona regurgitates into her mouth." HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Excellent recap this week. One of the funniest I have read in a long time. I ended up having to read the recap to my husband because he wanted to know why I kept giggling.
5 of 6 | Posted by Snootcy bootches | Posted on January 28, 2008 10:13 AM
poor Mr. Firecrotch...my thoughts and prayers are with him...
can't imagine what it must be like in that house...I picture a Mr. Firecrotch size hole in the ceiling above their bed where he hits every morning after she wakes him up with her "singing" ~shivers~
6 of 6 | Posted by realitee | Posted on January 28, 2008 4:17 PM