Previously on Crowned, we had to bid adieu to Pamela and Felicia, the resident truck stop cocktail waitress and her silent daughter Felicia, AKA Chaka from Land of the Lost. One team must also go home this week and we can only pray that it's Angela and Tinea. Do either of these skanks show an ounce of talent in the competition this week?
This face has a talent. I'm not sure how to label it yet, but it's plain as day.
The show picks up with the pageanteers returning to find Felicia and Pamela's seemingly communal bed empty with a single pink rose on their greasy pillow. Brenda comments on how sad it is to see them go since they both worked harder than anyone there. Her mother, Heather says it just pushes her to work even harder. Hard work is the first step toward failure, Heather! Didn't Truck Stop and Chaka teach you anything?
Linnea wakes the sleeping "beauties" at the crack of 10 the next day after a quick sniff of the hamer to instruct thm to meet her in the Rose Court in 15 minutes for a dance rehearsal. The ladies frantically get ready with their blow dryers, make-up, curling irons, acetylene torches, bailing wire and strategically placed preparation H. Nicole warns Jill that she's not a very good dancer and couldn't even pick up Tae Bo despite having an affair with the instructor. Hollis tries to get away with wearing flip-flops but her mother instructs her to follow Linnea's instructions or they'll get the hose again.
Up n' Adam's apple, girls!
When the "ladies" congregate on the Rose Court, Linnea tells everyone that every pageant begins with an opening dance number to show the judges the contestant's ability to follow instructions, rate their flexibility and maybe, just maybe catch a glimpse of the dumb one who forgot to wear panties doing a somersault. She introduces choreographer Scott Grossman, who has choreographed over ONE DOZEN pageant dances. Woah! If I ever decide to enter a pageant and hire a choreographer to coach me, I'm calling this guy. After I call every other choreographer ever born.
Heather and Brenda both claim to be very good dancers, but say they are better freestyle dancers, like Jodie Foster in that movie where she fell in love on the pinball machine. Scott teaches the ladies some basic moves, and schvitzes like a whore in temple while doing it, as Gina and Nicole both struggle to look coordinated. Unfortunately they both come off looking like Oprah that time she tried to line dance on her show.
Sweat stains really compliment man boobs.
While taking a break from the dancing, Scott has the ladies perform a trust exercise by making the daughters lean forward to fall into their mother's waiting arms. Angela becomes distracted by the smell of something fried and lets her daughter fall face first onto an unfortunately placed bear trap. Unfortunately, not really. Scott introduces Amy Kevarich, a professional trust coach, which I don't think is a real job, to teach the ladies how to completely trust each other while dancing on stage.
Amy has everyone sit on the floor with their legs around each, on in back of the other and says, "OK you're on a bobsled, and it's snowing out and it's cold. OK go." Actually it would have been awesome if she did, but what she really said was the ladies had to lock elbows and rise without ever breaking contact with their partner. After everyone else is in a standing position, the only team left on the ground is Mona and Firecrotch who wriggle like a bright orange cockroach on its back.
Firecrotch begins to use her freakishly strong thighs to pull her and her mother up, but Mona gives in to the heartbreak osteoporosis and drags them both back down, sadly flashing Firecrotch's firecrotch in the process. Luckily the CW has the class to blur it out lest we see spots for hours after looking directly into it. The two ladies break their elbow bind and are immediately disqualified, causing Mona to begin to leak a salty discharge from her eyes. Firecrotch tries to comfort her but we all know that Mona will be getting the paddle as soon as the cameras are off.
I got an itch just from looking at this.
« The Amazing Race: Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart? | | Auditiongasm: Fall Finals »
Comments (4)
haha.. hilarious.. love the screen caps and think the snark is right on! Snaggletooth gets ripped a lot but maybe that's b/c she has a jillion crying shots.
No nicknames for Christan and Ada? I realized how hard your job is when I couldn't think of anything.. please make Christan's name whorish in any way possible! Although I must say Christan and Ada are slowly becoming my favorite somehow..
1 of 4 | Posted by steez | Posted on January 10, 2008 10:11 AM
Ya know snark is good. Cruelty is not. Please lay off the fat ass comments. Its just not funny.
2 of 4 | Posted by Spring | Posted on January 10, 2008 12:37 PM
I have come to the realization that this show should not be shown on Broadcast Television.
If the FCC and Powers that Be will not show Death Row Inmates being put to death why in the name of GOD are they subjecting us innocents to this train wreck?
I loved you recap by the way.... and I can only hope that the Network has some dismal and painful way for the Reds to go down in flames.... If I have to hear that lack of tact brat sing one more time and break windows in my 'hood........ I'm getting the Censors involved.
3 of 4 | Posted by giffordsaz | Posted on January 11, 2008 10:20 AM
"...like Jodie Foster in that movie where she fell in love on the pinball machine."
That actually took me a second and when I realized what you meant I was shocked. Then I laughed my puss off!!!!
Also, gotta love the Chorus Line reference. Again,laughed my p*ssy off.
Am I the only one that thought none of these bitches had talent? It was painful to watch. And that Firecrotch won? All she does is scream. I couldn't believe she and her mom won. And I hate Angela and Tinea. Those c*nts need to hit the pavement. With their faces!!!!
4 of 4 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on January 13, 2008 11:13 AM