Testimonials

Snaggletooth works as best she can crawling around on the freshly laid sod and positioning it as it should go. Firecrotch gets stuck carrying the large pieces of fake grass into place since her mom has no upper body strength or feeling in her face. After working a while longer Firecrotch is told that there is another large portion of the lawn that will need grass, leading to the foreman standing on the business end of a hissy fit.

Firecrotch tells him that she's carried too much, her arms have given out and she needs to be transferred to the fence painting party. Papa Bear reluctantly gives in, leaving crippled Snaggletooth and Bighead to finish the sod by themselves. Bighead comments to the camera that it's really unflattering and disgusting to complain that your arms are tired when you are working to give dirty poor people a home.

Back at the house the "ladies" all gather in the gracious drawing room to receive a reward for their hard work. That's why people volunteer? I knew there was something more than this "warm feeling" I keep hearing about. Papa Bear was judging the ladies on their attitude and work ethic and at the job site and determined that Snaggletooth and Bighead exemplified the strongest of these traits despite Snaggletooth having to crawl and Bighead constantly falling over. The winning team is instructed to choose a prize from the tray that Cabana Boy Kirk is hold.....wait a minute? Cabana Boy Kirk? Who the hell is Cabana Boy Kirk? Where is Cabana Boy John? I know Cabana Boy John, sir, and let me tell you, you are no Cabana Boy John.

Eh, let's face it. I'd do ya.

Anyway, Linnea goes through the regular schpiel about the gifts, which someone just pointed out to me as ridiculous. If you go to Sethrudetsky.com, as you should since he's hilarious, you will hear his rant about this portion of the show. Every week Linnea tells the ladies to "choose wisely" when picking one of the wrapped gifts, but if you stop and think about it, that's stupid. They all look exactly alike, so what kind of wisdom can you use to pick the best one? Well luckily Bighead's enlarged cranial cavity gives her an edge over the rest because she picks the package that actually contains sapphire and diamond earrings.

After the ceremony Mona and Firecrotch are bonding over their disdain for Snaggletooth and Bighead's win. Mona says that she couldn't lift anything due to a sprained uterus from fleet week but despite that, she still worked harder than Snaggletooth, who simply crawled around and kicked the sod like an unruly child. Snaggletooth overhears this but is comforted by Bighead who tells her they worked harder than the Big Red Twins and no one should care what they say because they're beyotches.

Look at the bright side! You lifted something! Kinda. Yay you!

The next day Bighead, Mona and Firecrotch all come together to have a good old fashioned rap session and get all of their feelings out in the open. Before they can begin to speak using only "I feel" or "I think" phrases, the entire conversation devolves into bitchfest 08. Mona tells Bighead that she knows for a fact that she and her daughter worked harder than anyone else and she's angry because she had to stay married to a man for 26 years before she got sapphire and diamond earrings.

Bighead refuses to take part in anymore of the conversation telling both of them that it's sad that they can't take anything away from the experience other than bitching and moaning and starts to walk out. Mona tells her that she's obviously walking out because she knows that she's wrong, but Bighead tells her that she's actually walking out because Mona and her daughter are nothing but spoiled brats who are crying because they didn't get their way. Mona slams the door after Bighead and calls her a bitch before storming off to bury her feelings in raw cookie dough and merlot. See that? That's why I'm gay. Right there.

Later that day everyone is given their true task for the week. Each duo is standing before a wooden soapbox and is told that inside their soapbox contains a card with the issue they will be discussing live in a mall the next day. Each pair takes their turn reading their card before splitting up to rehearse what they're going to say and decide if they want Cin-a-Bon or Wetzels Pretzels.

Or giant fake boobs.

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Posted in Crowned by FozzieBare at 2:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Last Comment: steez on Jan 25, 2008 02:54 PM.