Shanna Moakler hosts this show since she won both the Miss USA and the Miss New York pageants. Luckily she took time out of her schedule of ending world hunger and proselytizing about world peace to star in this reality show on the CW. Joining Shanna is Linnea Meloni as the pageant director, who is there to tell the contestants where they need to be and when they need to be there. For a beauty pageant director, Linnea is very mannish and surly, looking a little like an angry lesbian trying to return a nine iron.

I have a feeling there will be full physical exams every morning.

Rounding out the panel are Carson Kressley, knowledgeable in all things women, and world famous radio and television personality and author Cynthia Garrett. Yea I've never heard of her either. Before we proceed to this week's demoralizing desashing ceremony (Crowned's version of the boardroom or tribal council), let's take a moment to get to know our contestants.

First up we have Gina and Hollis from the great state of Texas. Daughter Hollis is determined to prove that not all beauty queens have to be tall, blond and beautiful. She has obviously never seen a beauty pageant before. Hollis is short, with a cute, little, squat body which was made more for jockeying than beauty pageanting. She also has a jaw that you could use as a paperweight.

Gina looks like an average mom that you can tell was hot. Once. When asked to create a team name, they deem themselves the Dreamgals. Although they may think they are telling me they are not going, I know otherwise. They do have the congeniality aspect down since they take time out of their busy schedule to help another team choose outfits for the big competition, but then again, ugly chicks are always congenial. And the outfits they chose were hideous. Ugly chicks are also often passive aggressive.

And insanely happy to just be alive.

Next up are Patty and Laura. Many cultures believe that women with red hair are evil witches born with innate powers from the devil. The more I see these two, the more I'm inclined to agree. After the initial Meet, Greet and Undermine Your Competition's Self Worth luncheon, Gina offers to make dinner for everyone living in the mansion, but Patty and Laura refuse to eat anything but the frozen gorilla fetuses they brought with them.

Patty and Laura also mentioned how unattractive they think Gina and Hollis are, so not only are they insulting their food, they're insulting their horrible visages as well. Additionally, Laura wakes up everyone at the crack of dawn practicing her opera singing, which sounds like Mariah Carey caught in a bear trap. When one of the young ladies reminds Laura that people are trying to sleep, Laura replies that she needs to rehearse and doesn't care about anyone but herself and she hopes they all die. They all go to hell and die!! "Goddess Heceta here my plee, let the unclean...." But luckily her mother stops her before she can finish.

Patty doesn't sing, but she does do one hell of a Mona from Who's the Boss? impression just by standing there. These two name their team the Redhead Bombshells and when they come on stage to introduce themselves to the judges, they slink around with mom in an evening gown and Laura in a swimsuit.

What's Tony Danza like?

There are quite a few awkward pauses in their introduction speech, but Carson knows better than to get a witch on his bad side. He once insulted Julianne Moore at a cocktail party and look what happened to his career.

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Last Comment: TinkerbellAPixie on Dec 21, 2007 03:12 PM.