It's been a whole month, kids, and I've missed each and every one of you! We've been through a homoerotic jizz fest and drag queens together and now it's time for a show that is centered around a real girl! Well, if you don't count her lips, nose or boobs.
Brett Michaels passed on this???
To bring us up to speed, let's take a look back at the Emmy worthy career of our little muppet. Thus far she made it to the final two of Rock of Love 2 and lost out to a soccer mom with zero personality and sex appeal. Word is that Brett couldn't ignore that burning sensation any longer and the only cure was to douse his privates in Ambre's cold yogurt flavored lady parts. I'm talking the plain kind folks, fat free with no taste. The kind that goes moldy in the back of the refrigerator once you realize that there are some with actual fruit in them. Little Muppet got the last laugh though, because Brett jettisoned that piece of cardboard, hopped on another merry skank parade and is now being studied at John's Hopkins because of his ability to survive so many STDs while gargling alcohol and insulin.
Anyhoo, after a stint on I Love Money, which I did not watch, (I was over my trash TV limit that month) the geniuses at VH1 decided to continue their Shakespearean '____ of Love' franchise with everybody's favorite blow-up doll come to life, Daisy de la Whora.
Now we are up to speed.
We open with a sweeping view of a Hollywood Hills mansion and a gaggle of douchenozzles standing on risers in front of it. For a nanosecond I thought I was looking at the Riker's Island Glee Club but the voiceover tells us that these are Daisy's potential suitors, a bunch of outcasts, rocker boys and a dude from New Jersey. Perfect. Only the announcer calls them "Alpha Males." Wrong. These guys were chosen mostly because they are fuck-ups and losers and they all make Daisy look like a rocket scientist, for a moment, at least, because then we get the opening credits where Little Muppet is filmed whoring it up, probably behind some filthy club on Sunset, like some kind of back alley Bratz doll.
And just like that, I am in love.
Back at the mansion, the boys are in various states of nervous anticipation when a stretch Hummer pulls up. Out steps, not Daisy, but Riki Rachtman. He used to host the Headbanger's Ball on MTV and has been a fixture on the Hollywood rock scene for over two decades. Cool, I guess, but why is he sporting Fonzi's hairdo? Is that the new look for WeHo hipsters? If it is then I'm glad that I live in Ohio.
"Ayyyyyyyyyyy, I'm still not the douchiest guy here!" Yeah, but you have jumped the shark, dude.
He gives them a big brotherly lecture on how they better be there for Daisy and not just for TV stardom. Cue the close-up of 6 Pack. He is one of the biggest famewhores in VH1 history, a fact obviously not lost on the editors. This is a good sign that they will be messing with him on a regular basis and he probably doesn't even care.
As long as he keeps his herpes to himself.
Riki Fonzarelli sends the guys into the mansion to meet Brett Michael's sloppy seconds and they crowd around a stage that has as it's centerpiece a larger than life picture of Daisy which she proceeds to shimmy in front of to her new single "Heartbreaker." Hmmm. Who's the TV famewhore now? Enjoy it while you can sweetheart, because no amount of studio magic is ever going to make you sound like anything other than the screeching alley cat that you are. And there aren't enough pleather corsets in the world to distract from the guacamole that has started pouring out of my ears.
Kim Kolziak, you've got competition.
They all whistle and holler at her fine performance though I have to take their opinion with a grain of salt. Most of them may be in bands but if they were any good, wouldn't they be getting famous the old fashioned way? Like with talent? They should know that sleeping with Daisy will only get them so far. The only way for a guy to sleep his way to the top in the music world is if he is in a boy band. Just ask the Lou Perlman fan club.
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Comments (27)
I'm ashamed to admit I watched this...you really have to hand it to VH1 though...these people are actually becoming famous..I was like OMG is that 12 PACK?! I actually knew who he was...that's sickening..
PS> love the comment about Bret and his diabetes...Did you ever notice that he says it EXACTLY like Wilford Brimley in the commericals?? "DIE-A-BEE-TIS" haha
1 of 27 | Posted by mariabird522 | Posted on April 29, 2009 8:36 PM
Wow, I would be so insulted if I were Daisy. I can't believe I just said, "If I were Daisy." That is something I absolutely cannot imagine.
Anyway, what a bunch of duds.
How can she go wrong with Fox? It's easy to see that Homegirl NEEDS a hairstylist. He's cute, he's not a musician, and he has a job. What more can you ask?
2 of 27 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 29, 2009 9:12 PM
Wait a minute, who the hell is Cage? Did you introduce him?
3 of 27 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 29, 2009 9:18 PM
Thank you for recapping this show. I have a weekness for the crap that vh1 keeps making...
It would have rocked if they had one totally preppy guy in the mix and one really thug-ish guy. At least they did not get guys that are all bret look-a-likes.
4 of 27 | Posted by carol | Posted on April 29, 2009 10:09 PM
Goddamn it, Twunty! I am a VH1 crappy show addict just like Carol, and I had absolutely put my FOOT down that I would not watch this drivel.
I saw about ten minutes in passing, and now I've read your awesome recap...
DAMN, DAMN, DAMN! Now I have to watch this damn train wreck!
And the fact that Rachtman openly makes fun of these people to their faces is an added bonus.
5 of 27 | Posted by snarky | Posted on April 30, 2009 2:17 AM
Oopsy! You are right, pixielated! I totally forgot Cage! You know how forgetable boys with tattoos on their faces are these days. By the way, did you see the fake teeth on that guy? He looks like freakin' Eeyore.
6 of 27 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on April 30, 2009 4:59 AM
twunty, I also swore that I wouldn't watch this mess! Is it my fault that the DRV recorded it? Chi-Chi in spanish is BOOBIES!! And he is a little boob. I kept forgetting that the triplets were boys, damn they were pretty!!
7 of 27 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on April 30, 2009 6:06 AM
I forgot to add, did anyone else think "Dropout" looked exactly like the guy from Breakfast Club? I am having a brain fart and cannot remember his name, somebody help me!!
8 of 27 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on April 30, 2009 6:09 AM
I think Weasel looks like a WWF wrestler...
9 of 27 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on April 30, 2009 6:54 AM
I think Judd Nelson was MUCH cuter in Breakfast Club but, hey, I was into that for awhile as a teenager. I can totally see the resemblance though. Hard to pick a "winner" out of this bunch but I'm personally rooting for Fox although thinking that they're going to give it to 12 Pack *shudder*.
10 of 27 | Posted by kizarny | Posted on April 30, 2009 6:56 AM
I am so glad you're recapping this!
Just read the opening paragraphs, got hung up on the word "douchenozzle", which brought me over to urbandictionary dot com and the very first definition...
...still laughing, hold on, let me wipe my eyes so I can read on...
11 of 27 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 30, 2009 7:35 AM
Thanks for recapping this show Twunty.
carol: I think of the Professor as that guy. He is not exactly preppy but he is clean cut. I wonder if he will get in trouble at the school where he teaches for being on this show.
Torch may look cool on the outside but it turned out he was just a nerd. He could not even talk to her. It's like he went on The Pick up Artist and stayed long enough to get the makeover but got kicked off before he learned anything.
You wonder how each of these shows can be worse that the last and they always seems to find people who are crazier that the ones before. Still I will forgive VH1 for putting on a this show because it has brought Fox to our TV screens. Daisy should have named him Hotness. Fox is cool like Dave Navarro but with out looking like Satan. He is also very pretty (unlike Daisy) but he does not come off girly like 20 Pack does sometimes. Fox maybe not be the kind of guy that would settle down but he's still nice to look at especially next to some of the trolls on this show.
12 of 27 | Posted by dreemkeeper | Posted on April 30, 2009 7:48 AM
I was NOT going to watch this! Maybe it helps that I did not watch ROL2, so I didn't really know anything about Daisy. Heck, she's cuter than New York. The show owned me when they were showing the guys and said it was NOT the new season of "Tool Academy" - perfect!!! I think Jersey/Weasel looks like a bloated, washed up version of Patrick Swayze.
13 of 27 | Posted by Valmommyt | Posted on April 30, 2009 8:04 AM
I for one am thoroughly committed to this show AND to seeing Daisy get hooked up and preggers so that there will always be an inexhaustible supply of douchenozzles (and let us hope, the "skanky nasty pussy" they insert into) so that we will never be deprived of the wonders of VH1-style reality TV. Nobody does it better.
Too bad the triplets didn't hang out more--you could almost hear the dueling banjos music playin' in the background. And what's up with the man-boobs on the Canadian guy?
But most of all...there's no way that Weasel is only 36. Even if he is from Jersey.
But I do believe that, for once, ALL of these idiots deserve Daisy. I still have an image of her spastic palsy breakdown at the end of ROL, where she was drooling and melting all over the place...
Oh yeah, that Fox guy...ick.
14 of 27 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 30, 2009 8:17 AM
Yay Twunty! So happy that you're recapping this. If they produce it, I will watch. Sorry to see the triplets go so early, they could have shared outfits with Daisy. "Anorexic version of Nelson, plus one" LOL!
Itchy, I agree, Weasel is 48 if he's a day. Although, alcohol can prematurely age a person.
Glad this isn't shot in "smell-a-vision". Can you imagine the stench in that house? Orf.
15 of 27 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on April 30, 2009 8:42 AM
Yes, it's being recapped!
I thought this show would be so boring, seeing how Daisy can't act and has no personality, but the assortment of tools in that house is beyond awesome!
I'm glad the triplets gone - I couldn't tell them apart and it was making me tired.
Fox is cute, he's got that young Johnny Depp / Skeet Ulrich thing going on.
On with the insanity!
16 of 27 | Posted by SpaceVenus | Posted on April 30, 2009 9:48 AM
I am so glad 12 pack is on this show. (BTW, Daisy wasnt on I Love Money, she just interviewed the contestants appartently) Never really watched Rock of Love (though I did watch all the other hot messes, pumped for New York Goes to Work) but I always thought Daisy was extremely strange looking (but not quite as bad as Frenchie). This show looks like it will provide some quality entertainment.
17 of 27 | Posted by cansnuts | Posted on April 30, 2009 10:07 AM
so i know that after all, i am watching muppet, i mean daisy of love, but the whole time i just could not get over her drinking her champagne out of a pink twisty straw. i don't care if it was a bottle of korbel from wal-mart...that's still fucking weird! other than that, bring on the train wreck! loves it!
18 of 27 | Posted by jennylovesflowie623 | Posted on April 30, 2009 10:10 AM
Which one of the guys said something like yeah the triplets looked like girls and were weird but that he would have slep with one of them anyway? I only heard what was said did not get to see who was in that clip.
19 of 27 | Posted by dreamkeeper | Posted on April 30, 2009 11:23 AM
Eh......when is Becky Buckwild getting her own show? Daisy is kinda a snore. At least BBuck has some entertaiment value. Oh yeah, and casnuts I too am counting the minutes till New York goes to Work.
20 of 27 | Posted by kittkatt357 | Posted on April 30, 2009 11:43 AM
I think that Torch was talking about the movie 'The Gods Must Be Crazy' when he was talking in the clicks because he mentioned a coke bottle. That movie is awesome.
This show is just icky. Normally there are at least a few people that are passably attractive that I don't mind staring at for the course of the show, but these people are all gross. I imagine the whole damn place smells like pot, beer burps, and BO. mmm sexy, but I will be watching every episode!!!
21 of 27 | Posted by amanlew | Posted on April 30, 2009 4:40 PM
I am pulling for Fox, even thought he's WAY too good for her. He is totally hot. Seriously...
22 of 27 | Posted by jadestarla | Posted on April 30, 2009 5:43 PM
Great recap of another show I'm glad I missed.
It concerns me that you got so many comments! (You people should all be working two jobs so you can support my future social security benefits and pay off the debt!)
23 of 27 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 30, 2009 8:13 PM
I can't for the life of me figure out why someone would drink champagne with a twisty straw. Red wine, coffee, cola--things that will stain your teeth, yeah--but champagne? Maybe the bubbles eat away at veneers??
24 of 27 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 30, 2009 9:49 PM
For the life of me, I really don't remember Daisy being on I Love Money!! I looked at the VH1 Cast Bios and didn't see her on there.
25 of 27 | Posted by rao611 | Posted on May 1, 2009 10:16 AM
I wonder how many times Brooklyn will use the "My hats off to you" line. I thought once was enough but he laid it on her twice.
26 of 27 | Posted by Belladivision | Posted on May 1, 2009 1:21 PM
No, she wasn't on the show as a cast memeber ...she just came by at the beginning of the season basically just to pimp her own show. There's no way she's intelligent enough to take on the likes of Becky Buckwild, or even It.
27 of 27 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 1, 2009 2:31 PM