TVgasm Recaps

****One of our favorite shows is back on TV with a vengeance! Please welcome Linds with Damages!!

Damages is back and look who's got her big girl pants on? It's little Ellen Parsons, all grown up and still working for Patty Hewes, although this time she's working undercover with the FBI to take Patty down from the inside...I give her three episodes before that brilliant plan blows up in her face.

Glenn Close will make a coat out of you, woman. RUN!

Previously on the Patty Hewes show, Ellen is still working with the world's two most boring FBI agents to feed Patty a case she can't resist and bring her down from the inside. When she's not busy setting up a plan that will surely bring her eventual destruction, Ellen packs her days by telling support groups to peace out and taking up with mysterious, Timothy Olyphant-shaped gun pushers. Meanwhile, an old buddy of Patty's named Danny Purcell has gotten himself into a mess of trouble with a mysterious organization who may or may not have killed his wife by the end of the season's opener. Nothing says "Welcome to the New Year" like a strangling.

This week on Damages, Glenn Close scares the crap out of everyone.

But in a much kinder and gentler way than usual.

Close-up on Purcell, your favorite presumed wife slayer and mine, as he stands at a kitchen sink innocently washing dishes. Boy, this is the nicest jail sentence ever. Purcell looks so peaceful and happy and I know what you're thinking...wouldn't it be the best thing ever if "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" suddenly came on the radio and he just ...coudn't...stop from...singing for some reason, and then Glenn Close waltzes in and starts doing the happy booty side-bump dance with him and then the door opens again and its...Jeff Goldblum! And...okay, sorry. Come on, you know I've been waiting like four episodes for a 'William Hurt in the kitchen scene.'

Ironically, now they are too proud to beg

Patty gets suspicious of Ellen, Uncle Pete gets his hands dirty, Phil gets kind of dirty all over, and Wes gets even stalkier, this time with more guns. It's Damages - episode 5!

So where do vengeful master she-lawyers and their young, novice FBI informants go to get a little R&R? No, not a $59-a-night Super 8 Motel next to a toxic run-off in West Virginia. That was last week. They go to the spa, of course.

"I don't think there's enough rum in my relaxing protein shake. Luckily I've got a flask hidden in my bathrobe."

Frobisher's baaaaack!!

And he's more of a wuss than ever!

Coke busts and dirty tradings and hookers, oh my! Plus, lots and lots of Uncle Pete until, well, you know...

Back off, senile. Becker wasn't nominated.

Patty reminisces about her girlhood days, Frobisher's newly formed conscience retracts into his brain, and Uncle Pete makes his final farewell, for realz this time.

Well there goes the only sex symbol on this show.

Mystery, intrigue and long-awaited for make-out sessions. Plus karaoke, Damages-style!

Won't be anything left!

Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum - I smell the scent of a backstabbing Dum...In further news, Patty nearly made me wet myself from fear (again)

Goodbye, Van Peebles (code name Dee). We hardly knew ye. Tell Uncle Pete we said "hey."

That's right - No. 1 movie in the country, bitches. My days on cable are numbered. I'm flying out of this show on the glorious back of one Mr. Nick Cage.

Lots and lots of screaming in this second-to-last episode of Damages, plus some questions get answered, some loyalties are tested, and one all-purpose remote control joins Uncle Pete in that big living room couch cushion in the sky.

At least Pete can change the channel now.

It's the season finale of Damages, and all mysteries will be revealed...

We finally learn who shot J.R.! (It was ELLEN, in the broom closet, with the revolver.)

***We know it's a bit late in the season, but we love our Damages and finally found the recapper to take on this beast! Please welcome our newest hero, SlifeGoesOn!!

This week on Damages: Patty is warned by Judge Riley (and by extension, disgruntled viewers at home) to step up her game - and boy does she ever! Patty comes out of the gate swinging, enlisting newbie Alex in her scheme to become a pimp! Tom and Joe Tobin have more in common than we thought, as both struggle to find enough cash to make ends meet. Ellen steps into the ring and gets in a few good shots, but it's Tom who proves the ultimate champion as he gets out some much needed aggression.

In what was arguably the best episode of the season, Damages put the Tobin case on the backburner this week, and got back to doing what it does best - reveling in the dark, twisted relationship between Ellen Parsons and her mentor-cum-rival, Patty Hewes. The formidable foes spent the majority of the episode in a deliciously catty pas-de-deux, with poor, naïve Alex caught in the middle, as usual! The episode constantly teetered on the edge of daytime soap opera silliness, threatening to turn into a cheesy, Sapphic subplot from The L Word. But Glenn Close and Rose Byrne play it up with such intense ferocity, it's truly terrifying. And like any two lovers on a trial separation, they ultimately can't deny their unbridled passion for each other.

Nothing can compare to last week's amazing episode of Damages, but this week's installment was still a treat! Maybe it was the luck of the Irish, (St. Patrick's Day is this week) but everyone seemed to come out a winner, especially the viewers, who got their pot of gold at the end of the rainbow in the form of Ted Dansen, who FINALLY resurfaced as smarmy Arthur Frobisher. His long-overdue return was accompanied by the arrival of guest star Craig Bierko, who's lucky to be working at all. Ellen ran into Patty's estranged son and his pregnant cougar girlfriend, and was lucky she didn't get slapped in the face when she made the hilarious, bonehead mistake of congratulating Patty and calling her a grandma! Patty then tried to make Jill an offer she couldn't refuse, but it was no such luck. Tom greased a few palms all over town, as both he and Joe Tobin saw their money troubles ease up a little bit. But it was crazy Carol who was the luckiest lass of them all. In a desperate bid for attention, she decided to go missing - and the trick worked! Everyone rallied to find her, leaving no Krispy Kreme or Coldstone unturned. Luckily, our resident leprechaun Leonard Winstone found her hiding out in Brooklyn with a mysterious, yet familiar ally, who turned out to be her accomplice in Danielle Marchetti's murder!