Well friends, this is it, time to say goodbye to our favorite delusional little bastards. It's been a sometimes entertaining, always hokey, never respectable ride, and tonight, we go off into the sunset in a way only this disaster called DANCE WAR can. On our two hour extravaganza, we watch a ton of stock footage from past episodes!!!! And listen to Kenny Mayne try his damndest to be an endearing sellout!!!! And Drew Lachey dances????????

Time to show these chickenheads a thing or two.

Posted by HayHor at 11:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

What's up readers? I'm going to start this recap with a disclaimer - I don't mean to offend anyone. Nonetheless, I have to say that Latino culture, when not presented properly, can seem kind of obnoxious. For example - Reggaeton, J. Lo, Walter Mercado, and Sabado Gigante (look the last two up if you don't know them).

If any readers out there are offended know this - your writer is a card carrying, off-the-boat Latino (well, it was on a plane, when I was 1, but you get the picture). Let's remember that despite the aforementioned desecrations considered to be Latino culture, I can think of no greater slap in the face than having Bradley sing the songs of my people. Much less, on a night when High School Musical (yes, you heard right) is already going to make us feel uncomfortable. That being said, ignore the Disney/ABC imposed synergy and we'll move on with LA GUERRA DE BAILE!

Que barbaridad!

Posted by HayHor at 6:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Hello again, fellow DANCE WARS friends. In addition to our dance (read: comedy) hour, we'll have Taylor Swift on to sing as a special guest, while Kelsey laughs at how much hotter and boring she is than the pop-country newcomer. Oh, and top of that, ABC has decided to use the show not only as a way to show off the unknown talents of the best (available) unknown singers and dancers, but to show off who their latest low iq douchebag gentleman star of The Bachelor will be. Either that, or it's time to provide sacrifice to Carrie Ann, and this poor sap will be fucked and subsequently eaten. Oh yeah, and there's a frikin' Dance War underway! As Carrie Ann's about to say before her next dinner, "Let's dig in".

Woah, this guy's waaaay too salty.

Posted by HayHor at 1:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

With the United States in the thick of the primary season, some people out there are forgetting that there's a war going on. And as during any war, the powers that be occasionally have to step in, put Democracy on hold for a little while, and declare martial law. Well America, on tonight's episode of Dance War that time has come. Because tonight, America doesn't decide who goes home - no, no, no - countrymen (and women and Angelique from Rock of Love), we only decide which team has to have someone go home, not which contestant. Bruno and Carrie Ann are the real ones in charge of this thing since they get to pick who goes, so let's hope for the hopeless, and keep our fingers crossed that they can stay off the sauce and avoid getting drunk with power.

We're thirsty! Feed us your tears, dancers!

Posted by HayHor at 2:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Our contestants start off the show with "Spice Up Your Life" from the Spice Girls. This, my reader friends, is ironic because, like the Spice Girls, they're all wearing a a loud pink/purplish plaid, which makes some people look good (Our token nice Christian girl Chastity in the black tube top and short school girl skirt - she looks like a Mary Magdalene than Marie Osmond tonight), some people look bad (Elizabeth, in a full body pleather outfit with a pink plaid skirt on top of it that makes her look like something Pat Fields would make after watching the Matrix on acid) , and others just tragic (Zach in his Village People construnction worker outfit). Nonetheless, despite the big first dance number with both groups, this is the first week teams face off for competition, so brace yourselves folks, this DANCE WAR is gonna get ugly.

"Tool Time"

Posted by HayHor at 1:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

As much as I like a good 'ol singing and dancing war (who doesn't?), I think the best strategy for round two is to hop downstairs to the local grocer, pick up a Heineken mini-keg, and drink a beer every time somebody on the show does something to embarrass themselves. You might need to buy two. Anyways, on with the (dancing and singing oriented) fratiness!

"You handle the beer bong with flair but you need to work on your technique!"

Posted by HayHor at 2:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Within the first 20 seconds of this show, Bruno Tonioli pulls us in with his "come hither, cabana boy" stare and seductive lulling in of the hands. You see, Bruno wants you to pay attention as he traipses over young people's dreams on the way to creating a dancing/singing Benneton ad. Because that, my friends, is what a DANCE WAR is all about.

C'mon bitch, I'll shank you with my nail filer.

Posted by HayHor at 2:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)