Well friends, this is it, time to say goodbye to our favorite delusional little bastards. It's been a sometimes entertaining, always hokey, never respectable ride, and tonight, we go off into the sunset in a way only this disaster called DANCE WAR can. On our two hour extravaganza, we watch a ton of stock footage from past episodes!!!! And listen to Kenny Mayne try his damndest to be an endearing sellout!!!! And Drew Lachey dances????????
Time to show these chickenheads a thing or two.
After going over his usual shpiel and making the special announcement that he'd be performing in 20 minutes, Lachey swings it over to Kenny Mayne at the DanceCenter studios. Next to him are walking science experiment Lisa Rinna and tacky shirt collector Jerry Rice. This terrible trio is here to announce who the next cast is for flagship show Dancing With the Stars, so get that imdb/wikipedia on standby. Also, it looks like Kenny must've borrowed one of Jerry's tacky shirts and Lisa's scar tissue cover-up, because, well look at him.
Crossdressing has never been funnier. (cricket)
Lachey then sends us to our recap of the entire tryout process and how we narrowed it down to our first 14 contestants. Carrie Ann says that when they performed "Hold On, woohoo...that was so hot." She starts to fan herself in the process, which brings some weird Mary Kay Letourneau vibe with it. Don't ask me why. I can just see Bradley as her Vili Fualaau for some reason though.
Book club suggestion?
They then get into the fact that Bruno and Carrie Ann are competing, all the while over dramatizing any conflict betwen the two. Carrie Ann talks about how impressed she was with Team Bruno's first number, "Rubbernekin'" and how she underestimated Bruno. They also talk about Chris' microphone breaking in the middle of a performance for the millionth time, because that's one of the most interesting things that happened all season. Temptation Island it ain't.
One of the dances we revisit is Team Carrie Ann's version of "Call Me". In flash backs, Bruno says the boys could be "slicker with the choreography. If you do something that simple...come on, make it slick." If I were mature, I wouldn't write that substituting "fellatio" for "choreography" in Bruno's quote is funny. Cause it is.
I disagree. I take fellatio very seriously!
Bruno says the fight really started back when his team had an Asian themed performance of "S.O.S." which Carrie Ann criticized by calling the team a "chorus." Bruno responded with a Little John impersonation which I can only do service to by putting the video up. Rest assured, it was an instant Dance War classic when it happened and I would think, an instant Bruno one as well.
10 seconds later, he exploded.
They then take us to commercial with Bruno saying "We are in it to win it," and Carrie Ann saying "You can talk the talk but can you walk the walk." Bruno and Carrie Ann don't speak so much in words as they do in cliches. Coming back from the break, we revisit Motown week. For Aretha's "Think", Lacey was front and center, but Carrie Ann felt it wasn't a very good way to represent the group, further infuriating Bruno. He gets his digs in to Carrie Ann though, by saying (what she felt was) her team's best performance, Papa Was a Rolling Stone, didn't have enough dancing. "It's called Dance War," he says. "Dance."
Country week was next and Carrie ann says Devil Went Down to Georgia was a tough number for them. She said they had to mix a little "Clint Eastwood and Michael Jackson...and a little bit of branding...a little bit of hee haw." If anyone is unclear about what exactly she's talking about, my best guess for what "Hee Haw" is is this:
Maybe it's a little more Michael Jackson.
After Team Carrie Ann won once again, and Tony followed Charity out the door, we had Latin week. Carrie Ann felt her team set the stage on fire with the song "Conga", and Bruno said it was great because there was no gimmick, no handkerchief, no suitcases - exactly what he's looking for in a man. "I praise you for it," Bruno says. "I Had a great time." I swear he makes it so easy on me.
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Comments (5)
First of all, HayHor let me say, way to take one for the team in having to recap this show. Your recaps made it a lot more entertaining than it actually was. I must mention the fact that Lachey said "The winner of the FIRST Dance Wars is..." and that he also said see you next season. Now is this hopeful conjecture on his part or is it a done deal? I'm not sure I'll be watching Season 2. Guess it depends what else is on at the time. I was a little surprised Team Bruno won, but I agree that Kelsey is one hot little number. Some of the new "Dancing Stars" are pretty interesting choices. You are right about Adam Carolla, he definitely gets on my female nerves for some reason. So anyway, I was not really planning on watching That's Amore, because I am biologically of an age where the only thing I'm supposed to do with MTV is bitch about remembering the days when they actually played videos. And Remote Control, hey-o, that was a great show. But anyway, I'll still be reading your recaps.
1 of 5 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on February 20, 2008 2:51 AM
BTW, the Happy Feet caption was priceless! Drew was actually a good dancer on DWTS but he looked pretty damn awkward with some of the steps in that number.
2 of 5 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on February 20, 2008 4:41 AM
this may sound stupid but wouldn't marlee matlin have trouble dancing and keeping the beat if she cant hear the music?
please someone help me out here
3 of 5 | Posted by angelbayyb | Posted on February 20, 2008 9:32 AM
I think the plan is to use an intricate light-signal system. Kind of like Richard Dreyfuss' touching rendition of the Beatles "Beautiful Boy" in Mr. Holland's Opus. That way Marlee can use her overdeveloped 4 senses.
Actually, that's all made up. I'm sure they'll have some kind of system that will be a good 5 minutes of filler on the show as they explain it to us. But hey, if a shrewy, gimp divorcee can do it, why not a seemingly sweet, nonthreatening deaf person?!?
4 of 5 | Posted by HayHor | Posted on February 20, 2008 11:52 AM
HayHor, since Team Bruno won a recording contract, what name do you think they are going to record under? The Douche, The Mormon, The Hottie, and The Other Girl?
5 of 5 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on February 20, 2008 12:52 PM