Team Bruno is really psyched as they're getting ready to record their first song, called "Falling in Love." Everyone is really excited about the idea of being on an album, but in all honesty, it sounds like something on the Backstreet Boys scrap heap circa 2001. They talk about each person on the team and how they've all grown and surprised themselves. The team gets together to listen to the single and Kelsey says that she couldn't recognize her voice, but take one look at Paula Abdul, and you'll see that with enough tinkering, anyone can be a "singer". Bruno, ever the lover of hyperbole, thinks the song could rocket them to "superstardom."
We're about to make up our own minds, as Team Bruno performs their first single. Philip starts off the song by playing hype man, but his voice cracks and he just sounds like a honkey. See for yourself.
Kelsey looks amazing, but doesn't do much but dance, Lacey disappears into the background, and Zack has a couple of moments where he works the crowd. All in all, it's definitely NOT a good song, however it is catchy and who knows - could these people actually sell records? Bush's been in office for 8 years, Donald Trump has a TV Show, and Criminal Minds is a ratings giant - with America anything is possible.
Even for these derelicts.
Bruno thinks the group really stood out on their own tonight, and then goes on a Bruno rant staring with, "Sexy Zack...LLaaaaayyy....the girls.." Carrie Ann says some bland things about how they're awesome, etc, and we move on to Kenny Mayne and Dancecenter. It's time now to learn who the next three contestants on dancing with the stars will be and boy are they really scrapin' the bottom of the barrel.
Adam Corolla manged to squeeze one last favor out of Jimmy Kimmel and got on to this season of Dancing with the Stars. However he ends up doing, no doubt he'll gross his partner out with some terrible poop jokes, and end up charming all men whose wives force them to watch.
We should consider ourselves lucky - it could've been Carlos Mencia.
Kristi Yamaguchi, the 1992 Albertville winter olympics figure skating gold medalist, is next and we're lucky to have her. It's hard to get someone like her to take time off of...um, being Kristi Yamaguchi. Kenny makes a knowingly lame joke about how she's gonna tear up the dance floor with her skates, but the glitter and eyeliner add that extra joke oomph. The consensus ultimately is that Yamaguchi is the frontrunner, which means we'll have to put up with her again for two months after the show is over.
Goodbye Albertville, hello Brunoworld.
Our next contestant is Christian De La Fuente(?). Mayne says his occupation is "good looking" and he's a Chilean Air Force pilot. Lisa Rinna, her hand on the pulse of latin culture, says he's a huge star in Latin America. This dude is clearly looking to enter the US market, but on Dancing with the Stars? Doesn't Cane have a bit part you can play in? Or the bachelor (at least he'd get laid)?
Me gusta bailer mas que me gusta chichar!
Monica Seles is coming on the show to prove that she doesn't suffer from agoraphobia even after that knife incident. Kenny asks if tennis grunting will be a stronger play in latin or in ballroom, but I'll go with the tango. A grunt instead of stomping the feet will play much better in the US markets.
I'm global baby
Mario, who's face is made entirely of eyebrows and nostrils, is our next performer. He's an R&B singer and Lisa thinks he's sooo cute. "Oooh he's got moves," she says, all crackerly - "He can hip hop dance". Jerry reminds her of Master P., but I don't think "Make 'Em say Uhhh" is exactly a dance number. Monica Seles might like it though.
"Kanye let me wash his car once!"
Steve Guttenberg is our next celebrity, and this one I'm genuinely stoked about. i'm really hoping for a comeback, because if it can happen for Howie Mandel why not this guy? He also has the funniest "key statistics" - 1) Grossed over $712M at box office (?!Guttenberg!?) 2) Terrified of dancing. Oh Goots, your charming even in your key stats!
Now all we need is Ally Sheedy, Fisher Stevens and Johnny 5 and we got ourselves a show!
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Comments (5)
First of all, HayHor let me say, way to take one for the team in having to recap this show. Your recaps made it a lot more entertaining than it actually was. I must mention the fact that Lachey said "The winner of the FIRST Dance Wars is..." and that he also said see you next season. Now is this hopeful conjecture on his part or is it a done deal? I'm not sure I'll be watching Season 2. Guess it depends what else is on at the time. I was a little surprised Team Bruno won, but I agree that Kelsey is one hot little number. Some of the new "Dancing Stars" are pretty interesting choices. You are right about Adam Carolla, he definitely gets on my female nerves for some reason. So anyway, I was not really planning on watching That's Amore, because I am biologically of an age where the only thing I'm supposed to do with MTV is bitch about remembering the days when they actually played videos. And Remote Control, hey-o, that was a great show. But anyway, I'll still be reading your recaps.
1 of 5 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on February 20, 2008 2:51 AM
BTW, the Happy Feet caption was priceless! Drew was actually a good dancer on DWTS but he looked pretty damn awkward with some of the steps in that number.
2 of 5 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on February 20, 2008 4:41 AM
this may sound stupid but wouldn't marlee matlin have trouble dancing and keeping the beat if she cant hear the music?
please someone help me out here
3 of 5 | Posted by angelbayyb | Posted on February 20, 2008 9:32 AM
I think the plan is to use an intricate light-signal system. Kind of like Richard Dreyfuss' touching rendition of the Beatles "Beautiful Boy" in Mr. Holland's Opus. That way Marlee can use her overdeveloped 4 senses.
Actually, that's all made up. I'm sure they'll have some kind of system that will be a good 5 minutes of filler on the show as they explain it to us. But hey, if a shrewy, gimp divorcee can do it, why not a seemingly sweet, nonthreatening deaf person?!?
4 of 5 | Posted by HayHor | Posted on February 20, 2008 11:52 AM
HayHor, since Team Bruno won a recording contract, what name do you think they are going to record under? The Douche, The Mormon, The Hottie, and The Other Girl?
5 of 5 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on February 20, 2008 12:52 PM