Well - now that that's done - we can move on and just remember the Kylie of olden days. Tom introduces a segment of fan interviews after last night's show. And they actually get some chick to say, "Priscilla Presley is bee-yoo-tiful!" WHAT?!? Is this girl dumb, blind or getting a free tour of Graceland?! Priscilla's DANCE was beautiful last night - but the last time she had NATURAL beauty was about 10 years and 30 facelifts ago.
Alot of fans were pissed at the judges for being too "harsh". SHUT UP. It's what makes the show interesting! If it wasn't for moments like those there'd be no show and we'd be stuck watching more fucking episodes of "Deal or No Deal".
And it's time for two more safe couples!! Tom and Samantha poise themselves and announce... Priscilla and Louis!! Oh girl! She's all excited but this was the look she was giving RIGHT before they announced it:
"I will FUCK you up Useless Samantha! Say my name bitch! SAY IT!!"
We then wait through several more more dramatic pauses until Samantha says, "And joining them...YESSSS - Marissa and Tony!" WTF?!?? Don't get me wrong - like any other carb lovin' American, I love Chubbers, BUT isn't Samantha supposed to show a little objectivity here?! Bitch was all excited like she just got a word right at an 8th grade spelling bee! YESSSSS! Fuck you Useless Samantha - learn some tact. This is REALITY! In any case, Chubbers is ecstatic and beside herself.
Before going to commercial Tom reminds us that the show is LIVE. This pisses me off. Because except for all of you lucky bastards on the east coast who get to actually watch everything LIVE, the rest of us watch a TAPED LIVE performance. So suck it Tom.
Back from commercial, Useless Samantha is interviewing the newly safe contestants. All the ladies are playing nice and saying "Anything can happen!" Priscilla says how happy she is MJW made it when Carolla grabs the mike and berates them all for being fake. He then calls him and Marisa the clear losers. Congrats Adam. Not even the fat girl will fuck you now. Oh but wait - then he makes a joke that she has no friends. Now you can scratch every gay that's ever seen "Hairspray" off your fan club list, DICKHEAD. No one picks on Tracy Turnblad!!!!!
We then get to see a segment about the stars and how they spend their time away from the show. Edyta tells us how Jason, although he has "big hands", loves to make tiny ships. Notice she emphasizes, "BIG HANDS". Go back and watch his segment and substitute the word "ships" for "women" - it's hysterical.
"Aww - it's the S.S. Edyta. I'll ride her one day."
Our next star is Marlee Matlin - who is clearly a famous actress - who then goes on to tell us what SHE does. Oh. She's a narcotics police officer. WHAT?!? Oh for cripes sake - it's a whole fucking April Fool's segment!!! What a fucking waste of time!!! Seriously DWTS producers!? WTF!?!?
Ugh. I'll go through each of these now but I'm PISSED.
Shannon - she is the head of the MacGuyer Fan Club. Really? Maybe he can make you a respectable acting career out of a paperclip and a hair scrunchie.
Kristi - she's a hot dog eating champion. Really? Your partner should come in handy since he's an expert at downing sausage.
Priscilla - she has her own psychic hotline. Really? Then I guess you know this is what's going to happen to your face in the next four years:
"1..2..3..4...There's your face, it's on the floor!"
Marissa - she likes to surf. Really? Don't you think it's a little dangerous since the Japanese still have legalized whaling?!
Steve - he likes to freestyle rap. Really? Great! Find me a word that rhymes with "Douchbag" and I'll give you the name of your first album.
Cristian - has a pet otter. Really? You mean that slimy, wet-backed animal that chatters incessantly? That must be rough - what EVER do you have in common?!?
And that's it - thank GOD they didn't go through the rest of them. That's already 5 minutes of my life I'll never get back.
Next up, Tom and U.S. introduce the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre (ps - I had to look this name up since Useless Samantha mumbled right through it. GOD!)
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Comments (6)
Bbitz you're so funny! Your rant about the April Fool's day nonsense had me literally guffawing.
Thanks for another great recap!
Oh, and now I know where the pics in that last recap were from -- somehow mixed up with the ones here. But I digress; I just wanted to give you recap love!
1 of 6 | Posted by zbird | Posted on April 4, 2008 5:18 PM
Love the Kylie comment!
2 of 6 | Posted by jglau78 | Posted on April 4, 2008 5:22 PM
I wanted to keep Gut around because he's so darn entertaining. Shure he doesn't dance all that great but he was getting better. I can't stand Carolla and want him gone.
3 of 6 | Posted by yowala | Posted on April 5, 2008 7:47 AM
Wow. Maybe you should some more research on Alvin Ailey before you knock his dancers. Your comments kind of make you look ignorant. Ahh...but then so do the "chubbers" and "wetback" comments you seem to relish, so I guess your just being consistent. These recaps are really not fun to read.
4 of 6 | Posted by putigger | Posted on April 6, 2008 8:35 PM
Wow. Maybe you should some more research on Alvin Ailey before you knock his dancers. Your comments kind of make you look ignorant. Ahh...but then so do the "chubbers" and "wetback" comments you seem to relish, so I guess you're just being consistent. These recaps are really not fun to read.
5 of 6 | Posted by putigger | Posted on April 6, 2008 8:37 PM
LOOK OUT! Some politically correct person just walked into the room.
They are always so pious and self-important. (I always feel sorry for their families.)
LUV the recap! Don't change a thing!
6 of 6 | Posted by weasel dearest | Posted on April 7, 2008 12:51 PM