It's elimination time on Dancing with the Stars! Also known as the beginning of someone's journey to "Celebrity Rehab"!
We jump right into the night's special guest - Sheryl Crow! And THANK YOU Sheryl for being the first guest on this show NOT to have butchered your face! She looks beautiful and she actually has distinguishable features. WELL DONE. Hoooooowever... her singing is... blaaahhh. It's pitchy dawg!
And she's talking through "All I Wanna Do". And I understand - she's probably sung it 3 billion times. But put some friggin' effort into it! I think she's even rolling her eyes. Hey - talk to your agent - we're just as pissed you're on this show as you are.
Luckily the pro-dancers come out to liven it up a bit. Edyta is definitely winning the "Who Can Be the Fake Tannest?" competition. Next time I go to a bar I'm ordering an "Edyta" - it's just vodka and Kahlua. Get it?
I see London, I see France, I see Kym didn't get her hoo-ha area spray-tanned and Edyta wears grannie underpants!!!
Tom and Useless Samantha then review the dances from the night before. Kristi and Mark kicked ass (of course) and there's a shot of them celebrating:
They're slowly but surely becoming that perfect couple whose marriage you secretly hope ends in lamps being thrown and a bitter divorce.
Marlee did a great job but the judges said she needs to work on keeping her "bum" under. She says she's ready to work on her bum (in the male voice of her interpreter) to which Fabian replies "I'm ready to work on the bum!" SOOO PRICELESS!! Dear Marlee, You have the #1 bum worker on the show dancing with you. Don't fuck this up! Love, bBitz (PS - Run screaming if he takes a strap-on out)
Priscilla comments how she's sorry she did the lift last night but that she "likes the feeling of both my legs up off the floor." WOW. I love how you could hear the audience cackling in the background. I think Louis' expression says it all:
"ICK. I need a shower AND a male douche after THAT comment."
Chubbers and Tony are still ecstatic about their 8's from last night! Aww - they're like the homeless guy who appreciates the quarter you throw at him. I'm glad they're happy.
Cause you don't want to be around when mouths like this turn evil.
Cristian and Cheryl were happy that they used the power of the bull. Whatever that means. Those two couldn't wrap their head around a metaphor if it was a pole and their head was a stripper named "Sin-a-Man". Speaking of...
Raise your hand if you dressed up as a slutty Christmas present!
Shannon and Derek were thrilled with their "10" from Len. Shannon does a rap about it. Just when I thought she couldn't suck at anything more than acting. Bless her dumb heart.
Meanwhile Julianne says "Screw the judges!" to which Adam replies, "You might want to do just that to get us better scores." I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.
After commercial, Len announces that because of their "entertainment" value the judges would like to see Adam and Julianne to their HORRIFIC Pasa Doble again. OMG! Please tell me it's cause they know he's getting the boot! Ugh. Excruciating. The only way I get through it is pretending Hitler was reincarnated as that unicycle. Take that!
Back in the green room, Useless Samantha tries to get Shannon and Derek to talk about the sexual tension between them. Right after this she'll be interviewing Liza and David, Tom and Katie and Oprah and Stedman on the same subject. Thanks Useless Samantha! Back to you Tom!
Tom goes over the rankings and we find that Adam and Pri-Pri are at the bottom. Chubbers has made a comeback to tie for 5th with Mario and Marlee. Cristian is fourth, Shannon is third and Kristi and Jason are tied for first! Now let's get this shit over with and start cuttin'!
Tom reveals that Jason and Edyta are safe. Useless Samantha reveals that Kristi and Mark are safe. Nooo surprises here!
After commercial, Tom introduces us to a new element - a kids competition! And the judges will actually be judging them! Good lord, I can't wait to see Len make a little girl cry and Bruno make a little boy feel violated!
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