We learn that last week it was actually supposed to be Derek dancing with Julianne to Kylie - not Mark. Derek had to go and fuck his neck all up. Luckily for us, Mark is hotter. Sometimes God is good.
They interview previous guests about the dancers and we get treated to more time with the Jonas Brothers. UGH. I can't even. I politely refer you to the recap from when they were first on. I just can't... handle any more....
Tom announces that Marlee and Fabian are safe! Can I get a "Holllah" for my girl Marlee?!? Make it loud. No louder! LOUDER! Oh fuck it.
Back in the green room, Useless Samantha is trying to start shit between Kristi and Jason. Kristi is, of course, not playing along and being all nice and polite. Boo! Boring! If Useless Samantha was smart she'd have whispered "Jason said Oksana Baiul could kick your ass" into Kristi's ear. Bitch would have went CRRAAAZY!!! Jason goes on to say that he has Kristi's butt in sight at all time. Or something like that. This show is a train wreck of metaphors at all times.
Back to Tom who announces that Cristian and Cheryl are the next couple that are safe. They're excited. Me too! He's so easy to make fun of! We then find out that Mario and Karina are safe too! Looks like Mario's high-school fan base is really pulling for him.
Finally we're down to four - Priscilla, Shannon, Adam and Chubbers. Please oh please let Chubbers be safe! Her little heart cant take it! Especially since it's running on gravy.
WHAT?! Shock! Priscilla and Louis are in the bottom two! What!?? Not Pri-Pri! The stage is completely dark and silent and all you can hear is Pri-Pri say:
"Uh oh." (CLASSIC!!!)
Come on people she needs that prize money so she can stop dragging Elvis' dead body to birthday parties and bat mitzvahs.
Shannon and Derek.... are safe! Adam and Julianne... are also in the bottom two! Hooray for Chubbers! We turn to the judges and Len says it'd be sad to see Adam go because he's been so much fun and so entertaining. Eh. I say peace out. Unless they got footage of him falling down a staircase - I'm not interested.
Bruno says we'll lose the "Hollywood Glamour" if Pri-Pri goes home. Did you hear that Shannon and Marlee?!?! OUCH. That's cool - I mean, Marlee only won a FUCKING OSCAR! Do you have any idea how hard she had to work for that? And how many Hollywood Execs know how to say "Thanks for the BJ - you got the part" in sign language!?! But I guess that means nothing to you Bruno.
Tom finally announces that the couple to go home is... ADAM AND JULIANNE! To which Pri-Pri looks like she's gonna faint:
"I can't go on! I can't go on!"
Adam and Julianne come down to say their goodbyes. Useless Samanta tries to ask him a dumb-ass question about what he would have wanted to do next week and he basically tells her to stick it and he'd rather talk about here and now! LOVE IT! Adam then refers to Julianna and says "I lost 20lbs of fat and gained 20lbs of angel!" They then show a shot of Shannon's reaction and you can see her repeat the line to Derek with the expression:
"Oh hell no! That Bitch is not 105lbs!"
The claws are coming out! And that's his sister!!! Meanwhile Adam gets all sentimental and tells the audience he has had a great experience and that everyone should "try to do something that scares them!" An inspired Bruno turns to Carrie and asks her if she wants to bone.
So that's it! Results Show is over and Adam is going home! What did you all think?!! Should Adam be going home? Did Sheryl really, actually have "fun" tonight? And should kids be allowed to come within 50ft of Bruno?! DISH IT!
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