They continue rehearsing the quick step and then OH - what happens?! Mark suddenly decides to put a LIFT IN! Ooooh - be careful of the asian persuasions Marky! You know not the ancient power of a whining olympic champion! You can tell Mark's not happy about it though...
So he promptly fists Kristi.
They get a tiny bit snippy with each other which is hysterical since up to this point they were the perfect happy couple. UH OH! And Kristi is praying this doesn't backfire! You guys - this could be totally tragic. WEEEEEEE!!!!!
Kristi and Mark then perform their quick step. It's very light and fun. They quickly and HAPPILY dance around the floor and...
I'm pretty sure they crap sunshine at one point. Looks like SOMEONE'S trying to prove there's nothing wrong in the marriage!
They end with a semi-cool lift - not the one they were rehearsing. Perhaps Kristi had too much bran this week.
Len loved the dance and said it lifted him out of the bad mood he's been in all day. I'm sure the other couples are relieved. Bruno thinks it was a super-ticket to the semi-finals. And Carrie liked that they danced towards the judges and not "that way". Meaning - towards the audience! GEEZ Carrie - it's all about you. Carrie also spotted a small moment where they fell behind. She gets the nit-picker award of the century.
Back in the green room, Useless Samanta asks about why Mark he was so nervous to attempt the lift. It would have been priceless if he had said "Well - Kristi's not in the shape she was 20 years ago." BAM! But no - he went with some answer about making it fit with the dance. Boo.
The scores come back and it's a 9 from Carrie and 2 TEN'S FROM LEN AND BRUNO! Wow. I thought it was good but not a 10. I feel like after seeing a "10 performance" I should have to change my pampers.
Up next, the man Carrie said should be a little "stiffer" - Mario! Mario and Karina jump right into practicing the lift. And by the looks of it I reaallllly hope Karina has health insurance. He's throwing her all around. So badly in fact that Karina decides it's time to practice in the pool.
And at the pool...
They have - the time of their liiiiives. And they never felt this way before!
Looks like this time HE carried HER watermelons! (Anyone?! Anyone!?) However the fun didn't last long. Although this was supposed to be safer he almost drops her face into the side of the pool (who's idea was this anyways?! Hmmm - half-naked bodies and water. Oooohh right - the producers.) And just look how HAPPY Karina is when she gets her hair wet! It was "apocalyptic"!
Remind you of anything?!?
Off to the dance floor! Mario and Karina perform their Viennese Waltz! It's actually quite beautiful and flowing. Mario looks pretty adult-like out there - finally stepping out of the "gee I'm the youngest guy here!" shoes. And their lift is pretty kick-ass. I'd show you a shot of it but the camera angle was crappy and it won't look as fantastic as it really was.
Bruno loved it and called Mario a "prince"! Uh oh! Watch out Jason and Cristian - Bruno's moving on to a younger man! And then Carrie says "I have to say - it was nice and stiff - definitely the way I liked it!" And then pretends to be shocked by what she said! UGH. It's no fun if you know she deliberately sets herself up. In any case - I'm sure it WOULD need to be real stiff since she's such a tight ass. HEY OH! Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Len thought it was the most elegant he's ever seen Mario dance. And this was AFTER he compared Mario to Britney Spears getting out of a car. That poor girl and her dirty vagina just can't catch a break.
Back in the green room, Mario does an imitation of Len with a British accent - and therefore solidifies his career in music and NOT acting. Oy. The scores come back and it's 9's across the board. Well deserved - I would have even thrown in a 9.5.
Up next, MJW.... let's hear it for.... CHUBBERS! Last week - although they received their best scores yet - they were still in the bottom two. Chubbers says that it's ok because she's had cancer and that put everything into perspective. She should really save that for right before the judges score. "I hope you liked my dance - I mean - I only SURVIVED CANCER to do it for you! But it's cool if you didn't like it." Carrie would probably still give her a 6.
Chubbers and Tony start rehearsal and jump right into the move I call...
The Boobie Shaker!
Giiiiirl! He had your boobies rockin' and rollin' all over the place! Makes me crave J-e-l-l-o! They then go on to practice the lift. This is where I refrain from making the easy "Chubbers" jokes. I'll behave. Tony lifts her with ease and it looks like it will be beautiful on the night of the dance. Here's a glimpse...
DAMN IT! I WAS SO CLOSE! Oh well.
Chubbers and Tony start there fox trot - to the sound of "Start Spreading the News" - which is hysterical because all it reminds me of in this context is the Philly Cream Cheese commercial! Which is pretty fitting since the dance is a little cheesy but really sweet! They strut around the stage with NYC panache and style and the lift at the end is surprisingly elegant. Although it didn't help that the entire audience gasped like "HOLY SHIT! HE'S SUPERMAN!"
Carrie loved it and said Chubbers was the first one to look like she's really having fun out there. Len thought she had lovely movement and Bruno called her "bold and brassy"! Sounds like the new title of a soap opera for plus-sized girls - "The Bold and the Brassy". It'd be great! Susan Lucci could guest star and they'd just eat her in the first 5 minutes.
However, Bruno was also looking for something a little more graceful. The scores come back and it's a 9 from Carrie and 8's from Bruno and Len. BOO! I thought she deserved all 9's for sure! It was classy and entertaining! (And I know I'm getting in hot water with some Gasm readers here!)
Up next, Jason and Edyta! The newly "FIRST PLACE" duo is really trying to go crazy with the lift. And since Jason is 9 feet tall and totally ripped - and Edyta is like 75 lbs - it better be GOOD! So - to make sure that Jason lets loose for the Samba (he's told it's VERY flamboyant which he is VERY not thrilled about) Edyta takes him to get spray tanned. WHAT?!!?
Before. During. After.
Holy shit! He TOTALLY LOOKS... black. (Although I am craving a Guiness and Harp's now.) Edyta is retarded. However - it was nice to see those pelvic muscles that I haven't seen on myself since I was 4. Oh well. Even if I did have them I'd only use that space to hold candy bars like a gun in a holster. Aaannd DRAW! Munch munch munch...mmmm....
Jason and Edyta then perform their Tango. Oooh it's sexy and naughty! I really think he's got a chance to win this. He's a cool guy that men will vote for - and he's HOT so he's got the women and gay vote. Now he just has to charm the lesbians. Wait - no - that's what Edyta's skimpy outfits are for! OMG! They're gonna win!
Their lift is fantastic and he takes her from one side of the stage to the other like this:
Hey! What place where you guys in again?! Oh that's right. #1. I get it.
Len thinks Jason did a good job but thinks that "it was a tad too much like an Argentine Tango". Bruno then promptly craps himself and yells that the tango was CREATED in Argentina! OOhhh SNAP! No he di'nt!!!! Bruno then goes on to list about 15 adjectives listing how fantastic is was! Len looks PISSED too. Carrie also adds that she thinks it was beautiful - and she has NOT ONE bad thing to say! WOW!!! The judges then go on to fight it out while we head to...
The green room. Useless Samantha asks Jason how his experience as an athlete helps him here. I wish he would've said "Prettier costumes, not as sweaty - but everyone still showers together afterwards!" Why can't I write for these people?!?! But instead he teases Kristi again about taking the top spot. It's SOOO his nice way of saying "SUCK IT YAMAGUCHINATOR!" You know she's a boiling pot of green tea in the corner.
The scores come back and it's a 9 from Len (BOOOOO!!!!) and 10's FROM CARRIE AND BRUNO! UGH! Len always picks the worst time to be pissy! Jason deserved a perfect score!
Up next, Cristian de la Exploding Arm! Although the doctors suggest immediate surgery - he's postponing it because the "voters have asked them to be here"! GEEZ. Translation = "Keep voting for me or it'll be your fault when I can't lift a "Dos Manos" burrito at Baja Fresh."
Cristian is determined to do lifts. Oh GOD. Can I get a BeeGee's "Tragedy"?! Cristian says that "if Kristi got hurt - she wouldn't leave the Olympics and if Jason got hurt - he wouldn't leave the Superbowl" - so he's not leaving "Dancing with the Stars". Did anyone else see the sudden drop in importance of that logic?!
Cristian and Cheryl then perform their Tango. Oh dear - PLEASE don't let this get bloody. My stomach can't handle it AGAIN. They're dancing to MJ's "Beat It" which is fantastic. And their lift is pretty impressive for being one-handed. Although...
It looks like he knees her in the groin to give her air...
But all ends well!
He looks a little stiffer than usual but I have to give him props - there's NO WAY I'd be doing this shit with a bum arm - or a bum toe - bum anything really. A big bum maybe.
Bruno and Carrie thought it was beautiful and congratulate Cristian on performing without showing that he has a lame arm. And Len gives Cheryl due credit for arranging a dance around the elephant in the room.
Back in the green room, Useless Samantha asks Cristian if he's concerned his injury will hold him back. UGH. No Useless Samantha - he's just totally fucking thrilled with it. UGH!!!! Can someone PLEASE start writing some interesting questions for her?!?! GOD!!! I can't handle it any longer!!!!!!! SHE DRINKS TWO USELESS SHAKES A DAY AND FOLLOWS IT WITH A NON-SENSIBLE DINNER.
The scores come back and IT'S A 10 FROM CARRIE and 9's from Bruno and Len! WOW! I think Carrie's vote was a little emotionally swayed - but it was still good. The Bionic Hombre is beyond thrilled.
Meanwhile Kristi uses her Asian persuasion techniques on Mario! Beware! She's only trying to steal your soul through your really gay suspenders! (BTW - Who dressed him tonight? Gallagher?)
Time for the second half of the show - everyone dances... the SAMBA! First up, we have Mark and Kristi. They seem very determined to have a blast and dance their tushies off. Kristi's shakin' and shimmying:
And she looks like the love child of Tina Turner and Big Bird.
I'd say their coolest move is when Mark spins her around 8 TIMES (For real - I counted!) and drops her into a dip. And they do this thing where Kristi looks like she's sitting on her foot like a duck and spins on it. They're really taking advantage of her figure-skating skills. Just ice the floor and let's do this!
Judge time - and (cue dramatic music) CARRIE DIDN'T LIKE IT! WHAT!!? SCANDAL! It even seems like it pains her to say it! Speaking of pain - WTF is Kristi doing when they cut back to her?!
A) Picking a hair off her upper lip? B) Sniffing her fingers after picking a wedgie? C) Mimicking what Carrie must do with a straw, a mirror and a razor blade before the show?
Carrie goes on to say "it was a little out of control and not as graceful". WOW! Len goes on to say "this had great speed and energy - but lost the rhythm". However Bruno calls her a hummingbird and notes her the 8 AMAZING SPINS she took! Word, my little funny-sounding friend!
Back in the green room, Useless Samantha asks Kristi and Mark how important the viewers votes are. OMG. This is Useless Samantha's worst night ever. A million and one questions she could ask and she goes with "HOW IMPORTANT ARE THE VIEWERS VOTES?" And of course Kristi doesn't reply "What do you think you fucking idiot?!" as she should have.
The scores come back with an 8 from Carrie (OUCH!) and 9's from Bruno and Len. Kristi! You gotta Yamaguchi-Chop your way back to the top!
Next up, Mario and Karina! And their performance is fantastic! I really think it's one of Mario's best - FULL of fun and energy. It's like a kick back to the 50's. And I love this move:
I call it the "Slutty Fruit Roll Up". It tastes like strawberries and regret.
Len says it "had a little bit of roughness to it" and that Mario's feet were "bloody big ugly ones". WHAT A DICK! No worries - here comes Mario's new hero - Bruno! Who calls it the "spirit of rock n' roll"! Finally Carrie notes that Mario let his "wildness" work for him and she loved it. Shit. The judges are all over the place tonight.
Before we see the scores... let's say "Hollah!" to...
The Mother Fucking Queen and the Funky Bunch. And... is it just me - or is the dude on the back left GRABBING OUR GIRLFRIEND'S MUFFIN TOP?!?! OH HELLLLL NO!
Carrie and Bruno reward Mario with 9's while Len nails him with an 8. Ugh - everyone should just know by now that if they do anything remotely "modern" Len's gonna hate it.
Up next, Chubbers and Tony perform a Mambo. Chubbers is in rare sexual form and shakes her Tony-maker all around the floor. It's a little cheesy but very entertaining and of course there's the whole "WOW I can't believe Chubbers just did that without fucking it up!" thing. Like:
You spin me right round Tony right round!
Carrie loved that she goes for it but notes that she missed a foot step with the lift. Len called it a bit "dainty" and not "dirty" enough! WTF?!?! MAKE UP YOUR MIND GRAMPS! Unless you're really into big girls you can't tell Kristi one thing and Chubbers another! So what is it Len? You shopping at Victoria's Secret or Lane Bryant?!
Carrie and Len come up with 8's and Bruno gifts a 9! Ooh! Not as good as they might need to stay in it!
Up next, Jason and Edyta dancing the Samba. Jason seems to be getting more and more comfortable on the dance floor. I can't believe this guy's a football player! Edyta looks pretty sex-tastic tonight. Isn't this show on a little too early for some of the outfits she wears?! Come on Edyta - we have sweet young minds to protect here. Like that Hannah Montana girl. She's a sweetheart.
Jason and Edyta finish up with a similar lift from before:
Looks like she's got the Pope's hat all up in her biznatch.
Carrie appreciates Jason's "attempt at being flamboyant" but thinks his musicality was off! WHAT! Len says it wasn't his best! AND THEN BRUNO GOES FOR THE KILL AND CALLS IT A "TURKEY"!!! WHOA!!! I totally didn't think it was of turkey or any poultry-like quality.
Back in the green room Jason admits that he shouldn't have gotten a spray tan. I GUESS SO - cause Carrie and Bruno gave 8's - while LEN GAVE A 7!!! WHOA. DUDE - This is such a WTF night! Scoring is all over the board! That WAS NOT a 7!
And finally - dancing the Mambo - Cristian de la Border and Cheryl! And it turns out that Cristian's bum arm has actually HELPED his dancing ability! I think it's because he actually concentrates on his feet now. His footwork was great tonight. One little funny thing to note:
Uhhh... someone had a six-pack and pecks a couple of weeks ago. Wha happen?! Looks like someone's eatin' at Chubbers' table in the DWTS lunchroom! Or maybe it's the hospital food.
Len thinks it was "full energy and fabulous performance" and Bruno is "amazed what he can do with one arm." Oh Bruno. Let's not pretend you didn't already know that. We all see the scores you give him. Carrie calls Cristian "definitely Latin". WOW. She's quick. I think she's got a future working for immigration.
Back in the green room - the scores come back and... IT'S A 10 FROM CARRIE, a 9 from Len and A 10 FROM BRUNO! WOW! It was pretty good but I wasn't expecting this. Cristian goes ape-crap and everyone's cheering. And here I thought last week that by this time he'd be drumming for Def Leopard.
And that's it folks! Tomorrow night it'll be narrowed down to 4 couples! And Cristian's at the top of the heap! CRAZY! What do you think?! Have Kristi and Mark deserved their fall from grace?! Were you surprised that Karina's face didn't melt off in the water? And most importantly, after the tanning disaster, should Edyta make it up to Jason by taking him to a hair stylist? DISH IT!
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Comments (2)
Karina's face melting off in the water and Edyta taking Jason to a hair stylist.....priceless.
Great screen caps this episode. When I saw Kristi's samba outfit I thought she attacked Zoey and Elmo from Sesame Street. Big Bird/Tina Turner I can see that too.
I think the judges are messing with the scoring in a feeble attempt to keep it interesting for the remaining 3 weeks. I mean it is fairly obvious that Kristi and Jason will wind up in the finals. Now that Derek isn't around to go to the hospital every week and Cristian took one for the team by blowing out his arm, they need something for the average fan to talk about. We have plenty to talk about here -- lol!
1 of 2 | Posted by bbjunkie | Posted on May 7, 2008 1:40 PM
YAY. Gratuitous Jason footage. Thank you for taking our requests bbitz :)
And you're right about the angst I feel when I read your praise about chubbers. Please...you might love the girl, but she is NOT A BETTER DANCER than Mario. no way. The judges are purposefully rigging her scores to keep her in. I would claim that I'm swearing off the show but I'm admittedly too weak to follow through with that promise. So I will express my disdain here.
2 of 2 | Posted by lawyerjenn | Posted on May 7, 2008 1:42 PM