Oh it feels good to be back at the 'gasm. Thank you to Flipit for thinking of me and bringing me back on board and sharing the DWTS duties with me, because as he said to me, "OMG three two hour nights in a row!?!?!?!?!" Yeah. Yeeeeaaaaaah.
The episode starts with the usual fanfare, live band and rhinestones. We see clips of what's to come and two seconds in, Kim Kardashian has already decapitated someone with her ass. All I can think about as this starts is how hard Tom Bergeron blew at The Emmys. Do you think it's kind of awkward there today? Everyone avoiding eye contact with him so they don't have to give him a compliment he knows isn't true? And do you think Samantha Harris is pissed she didn't get a nod?
When you make Heidi Klum seem fascinating by comparison, you're in troubs.
Tom says it's the biggest season ever. Unneccessarily big ahem 6 hours of DWTS this week ahem. Well don't worry, they're going to weed out the really bad ones right away as we're going to lose two of our illustrious "stars" this week. Tom goes on about how this is a cast of award winners - they have the oldest and youngest competitors ever. Is there really an award for that? Also, there are TWO Olympic medalists. And a father vs. son. Again, is that an award? Oh, and the father and son are ballroom dancers. Don't try to give me that drama. That's how you end up with the Mario Lopez and Karina nonstory.
The list goes:
Cody Linley and Julianne - He's from Hannah Montana so I have no idea who he is and hate him for making my 24-year old self feel old.
Rocco DiSpirito and Karina - He's that celebrity chef who was apparently a huuuge asshole on The Restaurant. I didn't watch, so I don't know, but that's what I'm told. Mostly I think he's a whore ever since that Top Chef episode where he sold his Bertoli frozen dinners or some shit like that.
Toni Braxton and Alec - They keep claiming she's a Tony Award winner, but that is blatantly false. I will have "Unbreak My Heart" stuck in my head until she gets eliminated.
Maurice Green and Cheryl - He's a track and field Olympian and boring to me, pop culturally.
Brooke Burke and Derek - She's a model. Snooze.
Ted McGinley and Inna - He's most famous for being a handsome douchebag in movies and TV, from Revenge of the Nerds to "Married... with Children."
Lance Bass and Lacey - My original viewing notes had FOUR exclamation points after Lacey's name. Because I was psyched to see her on this as you may know if you read my SYTYCD recaps. I love Lacey, but find her fake Avril Lavigne emo-ness annoying. Regardless, I'm more excited about her being on this show than Lance.
Cloris Leachman and Corky - "boobs" is what I had in my original notes and I'm going with it. She is all old lady and boobs.
Give this feisty broad a couple of weeks to loosen up and she'll be rockin the outfit to the left.
Comedy Jeffrey Ross and Edyta - He's a comedian and sooo not going to do well on this.
Kim Kardashian and Mark - They call her a "reality TV star" and I take umbrage with that because we ALL know she is famous for having a sex tape and a big ass. Just ask Joel McHale.
Susan Lucci and Tony - She's a legendary loser of Emmys. Also, she's on an ABC soap, so you know she's going to stick around for a while if for no other reason than for the free, synergetic commercials.
Misty May-Treanor and Maks - All made up like this, Misty is a dead ringer for Audrina Patridge on The Hills. And I do mean dead. Like, behind the eyes.
Warren Sapp & Kym- He's a football player of some kind so he gives my boyfriend an incentive to watch the show with me, so I'm rooting for him to go all the way. He's also comically larger than his partner. And oh, how I love physical comedy!
Alright, on to the DANCE!
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Comments (12)
Nice one, Krank! Way to take one for the team -- it's good to read you again.
Oh, and I'm with your analysis on ALL of that, especially the Warren Sapp love.
Did you notice that Brook (and Tom) mentioned her 4 kids about 10 times, and then they showed the 4 kids? And then she told her partner that he'd have to get used to having 4 kids around him? And then they cut to the 4 kids again? Yeah, that's not going to get old at all...or did it?
1 of 12 | Posted by zbird | Posted on September 24, 2008 5:43 PM
SO glad you are back!! Just started the recap but have to comment immediately that Karina and Mario are not together anymore. There was a People magazine article - apparently he dumped her and she is near nervous breakdown. Maybe she'll eat her way through it with Rocco's food.
2 of 12 | Posted by incognito | Posted on September 24, 2008 6:25 PM
Krank...congratulations on taking over. I covered this show last fall, and found trying to do multiple episodes each week exhausting.
It's a shame we already lost Edyta. I could always tell how bad her partner was going to be based on how little she wore: the less outfit, the more she was trying to cover for her partner (as evidenced by what she almost wore on Monday.)
Look forward to reading you for the rest of the season.
P.S. I think Cherly Burke has been sampling Rocco's desserts...or maybe just a lot of McDonalds.
3 of 12 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on September 24, 2008 9:36 PM
Great recap! I just was waiting for the reference to the motherfuckin' queen-You know-the singer with the massive head jewelry. If you can try to get it in the next recap I will be very happy. With screencap please.
Cheryl Burke must have gained 20 pounds for it to be showing so much in her face. What chance do the rest of us have when she can't keep the pounds off with her workout schedule??
4 of 12 | Posted by unwise | Posted on September 24, 2008 10:07 PM
Hey Krank!
I recapped DWTS last season and just wanted to say - GREAT JOB! Very funny stuff and I give you credit for taking this monster on!
Good luck!
bBitz
PS - My favorite is Lacey. Screw the other "stars" - she was on STYTYCD and she knows NEIL!!! (sigh)
5 of 12 | Posted by bBitz | Posted on September 24, 2008 11:33 PM
Hey Krank!
I recapped DWTS last season and just wanted to say - GREAT JOB! Very funny stuff and I give you credit for taking this monster on!
Good luck!
bBitz
PS - My favorite is Lacey. Screw the other "stars" - she was on SYTYCD and she knows NEIL!!! (sigh)
6 of 12 | Posted by bBitz | Posted on September 24, 2008 11:34 PM
Sorry about posting above twice - I tried to cover my acronym f-up!
Anyways, also wanted to mention to "unwise" that it was me who always referenced "the mother-fucking queen" - but maybe Krank will take over! :)
7 of 12 | Posted by bBitz | Posted on September 24, 2008 11:40 PM
"They keep claiming she's a Tony Award winner, but that is blatantly false. I will have "Unbreak My Heart" stuck in my head until she gets eliminated." lolllllllllllllll awesome recap, loved every sentence of it. esp. the part where you liken a jonas brothers guest appearance to a dog peeing on the carpet.
also, your hilarious recaps relieve me of the burden of having to actually watch the show...especially those pesky results shows. how great is that?
8 of 12 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 25, 2008 6:35 AM
Yes! bBitz! Thank you for the queen. Every time I see her I think of your recaps.
I adored Neil (SYTYCD) too!
9 of 12 | Posted by unwise | Posted on September 25, 2008 7:43 AM
GREAT recap! I haven't even watched the show yet, and you had me giggling like a 12yr old Jonas Bros. fan!
I have one request, though - could you carry on the tradition of calling Samantha Harris "Useless Samantha", please? It just suits her so well...
10 of 12 | Posted by aniglo | Posted on September 25, 2008 8:15 AM
Didn't watch. Don't recognize most of the "stars". Don't care. But...
Loved the recap. (A few more screen caps would be nice - especially when you mention sexy outfits.)
Cloris is great at any age.
Thanks!
11 of 12 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 25, 2008 12:10 PM
actually, yes...more pictures would be great. Especially any of Maks. I always included at least one of him with an open shirt...even if I had to pull one from a previous episode. :)
12 of 12 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on September 25, 2008 3:23 PM