Cody and Julianne are up first. He should do well with the tween vote, which is why he's here, clearly. He's excited to dance with Julianne cause she's hot and HE'S STRAIGHT. He swears. He looks at her ass all the time in rehearsal, methinks overcompensating for the highlights. They're dancing to Christina Aguilera sound-alike while Julianne is a look-alike. They're dancing the Cha Cha and Julianne did a nice job choreographing so we're always distracted by her. She is all legs and back. And they do lots of spins in a really small space and I pay hardly any attention to Cody at all.
Sorry, but do you mind if I call you Carlos?
Len tells them they have really "high energy" because of their youth but he comes off as a crotchety old man telling kids to get off his lawn. Bruno tells them to be cleaner. And Carrie Ann makes a point to mention that their combined age is younger than her, but all the women on this show wear so much makeup I find it impossible to even guess at ages.
As they wait for their scores, I see a DISTINCT line between Cody's face and neck. Someone fire that makeup person! They get 6's across the board for a total of 18.
Apparently there were two injuries in rehearsal - Karina - turned her ankle. And Jeffrey Ross hurt his hand? Or eye? Ugh GROSS! I don't need to see someone get poked in the eye in slow motion, ABC!!!! After commercials, we will learn their fate. Dun dun DUUUUNNNN!
These commercials serve to remind me that I NEED AN IPHONE. Thank you, Steve Jobs, for reminding me of my rampant materialism.
Satan must be really glad this show is back.
And after the commercials, the non-drama is wrapped up as we learn that Karina just rolled her ankle and she'll be dancing tonight because it's not actually a big deal. Thanks for wasting 10 minutes of the show on it, then. Anyways, Rocco made Karina fettuccine with truffles for their first meeting. Isn't she still Mario Lopez's girlfriend? Mario Lopez is going to take a hit out on Rocco.
No trouble at all! I just microwaved it! And you can too! Order now!
They're doing the Foxtrot. I'm bored. He looks like he's having fun, which is nice to see. But it looks hard. I don't like to watch things that look hard. That's almost like effort. There are foxtails on her dress or something. Oh ballroom dancers with their questionable taste.
After the dance, Rocco looks like he knows just how ridiculous he looked dancing. Not good. Bruno said they were off from the music and chaotic. Carrie Ann thought it was cute. Deep, Carrie Ann. And specific. Nice job, judge. Len jabbers and I can't understand him through his accent. He wants Finesse or something. Bad hair day?
They go backstage to talk to Samantha Harris as the judges tally their scores. Samantha Harris is alarmingly thin. I don't understand the women's trend of showing arm sinew through one's skin. Who finds that attractive? They look like raptors. Anyways, back to the dancers. Rocco says he doesn't care about the scores, he's having fun. That's kind of charming. Carrie Ann-5 Len-4, Bruno-5, for a total of 14. Ouch.
Toni Braxton is up next. In rehearsals we learn she has a heart condition, which is why she's dancing - to prove her strength! She's dancing to live! It's the plot of th e next Nicholas Sparks novel, in stores this Christmas.
Unclog my heart.
They're dancing the Cha Cha to that Santana song from a few years ago. Some old man is creeping on the microphone. Back away sir! The dance is not bad, though unbalanced. I suppose that's to be expected though with an amateur and a professional dancing together.
They get a standing ovation from two dudes in the corner. Carrie Ann applauds Toni for facing her fears through dance and tells them it's a week 5 dance. Len thinks she flexes her knees and wants to see straighter legs. Toni kisses his ass. Bruno found her slinky, sexy and sultry. He's pleased and alliterative. I'm unsurprised because she's an R&B singer, so she's got to have rhythm.
Carrie Ann - 7, Len - 7, Bruno - 8, for a total of 22. The best so far. Toni is adorably pleased. Cloris Leachman in the background is the best part about this segment. "Greatest octogenarian cleave," says my friend Adrian.
Tootie? Gimme a huuuug!
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Comments (12)
Nice one, Krank! Way to take one for the team -- it's good to read you again.
Oh, and I'm with your analysis on ALL of that, especially the Warren Sapp love.
Did you notice that Brook (and Tom) mentioned her 4 kids about 10 times, and then they showed the 4 kids? And then she told her partner that he'd have to get used to having 4 kids around him? And then they cut to the 4 kids again? Yeah, that's not going to get old at all...or did it?
1 of 12 | Posted by zbird | Posted on September 24, 2008 5:43 PM
SO glad you are back!! Just started the recap but have to comment immediately that Karina and Mario are not together anymore. There was a People magazine article - apparently he dumped her and she is near nervous breakdown. Maybe she'll eat her way through it with Rocco's food.
2 of 12 | Posted by incognito | Posted on September 24, 2008 6:25 PM
Krank...congratulations on taking over. I covered this show last fall, and found trying to do multiple episodes each week exhausting.
It's a shame we already lost Edyta. I could always tell how bad her partner was going to be based on how little she wore: the less outfit, the more she was trying to cover for her partner (as evidenced by what she almost wore on Monday.)
Look forward to reading you for the rest of the season.
P.S. I think Cherly Burke has been sampling Rocco's desserts...or maybe just a lot of McDonalds.
3 of 12 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on September 24, 2008 9:36 PM
Great recap! I just was waiting for the reference to the motherfuckin' queen-You know-the singer with the massive head jewelry. If you can try to get it in the next recap I will be very happy. With screencap please.
Cheryl Burke must have gained 20 pounds for it to be showing so much in her face. What chance do the rest of us have when she can't keep the pounds off with her workout schedule??
4 of 12 | Posted by unwise | Posted on September 24, 2008 10:07 PM
Hey Krank!
I recapped DWTS last season and just wanted to say - GREAT JOB! Very funny stuff and I give you credit for taking this monster on!
Good luck!
bBitz
PS - My favorite is Lacey. Screw the other "stars" - she was on STYTYCD and she knows NEIL!!! (sigh)
5 of 12 | Posted by bBitz | Posted on September 24, 2008 11:33 PM
Hey Krank!
I recapped DWTS last season and just wanted to say - GREAT JOB! Very funny stuff and I give you credit for taking this monster on!
Good luck!
bBitz
PS - My favorite is Lacey. Screw the other "stars" - she was on SYTYCD and she knows NEIL!!! (sigh)
6 of 12 | Posted by bBitz | Posted on September 24, 2008 11:34 PM
Sorry about posting above twice - I tried to cover my acronym f-up!
Anyways, also wanted to mention to "unwise" that it was me who always referenced "the mother-fucking queen" - but maybe Krank will take over! :)
7 of 12 | Posted by bBitz | Posted on September 24, 2008 11:40 PM
"They keep claiming she's a Tony Award winner, but that is blatantly false. I will have "Unbreak My Heart" stuck in my head until she gets eliminated." lolllllllllllllll awesome recap, loved every sentence of it. esp. the part where you liken a jonas brothers guest appearance to a dog peeing on the carpet.
also, your hilarious recaps relieve me of the burden of having to actually watch the show...especially those pesky results shows. how great is that?
8 of 12 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 25, 2008 6:35 AM
Yes! bBitz! Thank you for the queen. Every time I see her I think of your recaps.
I adored Neil (SYTYCD) too!
9 of 12 | Posted by unwise | Posted on September 25, 2008 7:43 AM
GREAT recap! I haven't even watched the show yet, and you had me giggling like a 12yr old Jonas Bros. fan!
I have one request, though - could you carry on the tradition of calling Samantha Harris "Useless Samantha", please? It just suits her so well...
10 of 12 | Posted by aniglo | Posted on September 25, 2008 8:15 AM
Didn't watch. Don't recognize most of the "stars". Don't care. But...
Loved the recap. (A few more screen caps would be nice - especially when you mention sexy outfits.)
Cloris is great at any age.
Thanks!
11 of 12 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 25, 2008 12:10 PM
actually, yes...more pictures would be great. Especially any of Maks. I always included at least one of him with an open shirt...even if I had to pull one from a previous episode. :)
12 of 12 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on September 25, 2008 3:23 PM