Maurice and Cheryl are up next. As a runner, he should have fast feet, right? Their dance is very slow. Also, her dress is doing her no favors. It's like a sleeveless polo on top with a stripper back and gypsy bottom. Ugh, the worst part about these ballroom shows are the outfits.
Shannon Elizabeth is in the audience tonight wearing those weird tiny butterfly hairclips I had in 7th grade. However, I'm happy to see she harbors no ill will towards the show. All three times I watched last year I feel like she was always sobbing about something.
Len calls Maurice and Cheryl's dance wild, wacky and wonderful. Uh oh, sounds like he caught the alliterative bug! Bruno says he has a great presence and showed great promise for the rest of the season. Carrie Ann - says the parts that were actually "Foxtrot" (oooo, burn Cheryl!) were weak and calls Maurice "James Brownie." Which would be a great woman-to-man drag name if such a thing existed.
Maurice and Cheryl get 6's across the board for a total of 18.
Brooke Burke is introduced as "Hollywood's hottest soccer mom." Is that a job? How is she not outraged at that title? Brooke clarifies that in addition to her hottest soccer mom duties, she is also a model and TV host. She's never danced before. I just need to take a moment here to note that Derek just said that he's "going to huff and puff and blow the competition." Because I am 12. Anyways, in rehearsals Brooke and Derek are worried that's she's not going to remember the steps.
Blow harder.
They are dancing the Cha Cha tonight and they are playing up their best assets, namely, Brooke's body. The choreography is good at hiding what a lazy dancer she is - or maybe it's just her looks. Oh wait, or maybe she's actually good! Brooke Burke is my new front runner! Carrie Ann calls her supermom with an "amazing torso." So true! Bruno hilariously calls Len out for staring like a creeper. Len calls her the best so far.
Carrie Ann - 7, Len - 8, Bruno - 8, for a total of 23 and the best of the night so far.
Guys, sad thought of the night - Piper Parabo's comeback is in Beverly Hills Chihuahua. She and Cuba Gooding, Jr. should get together and talk about starring in stupid dog movies.
Coming next season.
Ted McGinley is playing the macho man card, which is going to get tired real fast. Because he's soooo macho it will be hard to make him look graceful. Whatever. He claims to be "every guy." Not any of the guys I watch this show with.
They're dancing the Foxtrot to the Beach Boys. He is broad which is nice, but he's got a little Patrick Dempsey-Face going on. You know what I'm talking about - that bullshitting eyebrow raise that says "I'm doing this to get laid." Shut up you smug bastard! Sorry, I have an aversion to Patrick Dempsey ever since they remade My Best Friends Wedding into that piece of shit where he actually stops the wedding and gets the girl in the end.
That is not how that story goes you smug bastard!
Bruno says he was alternately Cary Grant and Steve Carrel in Get Smart- zing! Len thought he had style and elegance with his heels and toes in the right place. Carrie Ann could see his nerves.
Tom Bergeron mentions the Jonas Brothers are the special guests on the results show and my friend Adrian reacts to that news like he would to his dog peeing on the floor. Ted and Inna get 6's across the board which I find generous.
Lance Bass and Lacey Schwimmer are next. While he's famous for being in the boy band NSync - he says a little known fact is that he was the worst dancer in the group. Regardless he danced, which is more than Ted McGinley had coming into this show. Lacey is here to show ballroom can be cool.
And she's failing horribly already.
They're doing the Cha Cha and for someone who says he can't dance he's moving very well. I hate their look, though. Seriously, Lacey's outfit is an eyesore, all torn fabric and boots and pink and IS THAT HIS FACE ON HER DRESS? Joey FatOne nods in the background in appreciation.
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Comments (12)
Nice one, Krank! Way to take one for the team -- it's good to read you again.
Oh, and I'm with your analysis on ALL of that, especially the Warren Sapp love.
Did you notice that Brook (and Tom) mentioned her 4 kids about 10 times, and then they showed the 4 kids? And then she told her partner that he'd have to get used to having 4 kids around him? And then they cut to the 4 kids again? Yeah, that's not going to get old at all...or did it?
1 of 12 | Posted by zbird | Posted on September 24, 2008 5:43 PM
SO glad you are back!! Just started the recap but have to comment immediately that Karina and Mario are not together anymore. There was a People magazine article - apparently he dumped her and she is near nervous breakdown. Maybe she'll eat her way through it with Rocco's food.
2 of 12 | Posted by incognito | Posted on September 24, 2008 6:25 PM
Krank...congratulations on taking over. I covered this show last fall, and found trying to do multiple episodes each week exhausting.
It's a shame we already lost Edyta. I could always tell how bad her partner was going to be based on how little she wore: the less outfit, the more she was trying to cover for her partner (as evidenced by what she almost wore on Monday.)
Look forward to reading you for the rest of the season.
P.S. I think Cherly Burke has been sampling Rocco's desserts...or maybe just a lot of McDonalds.
3 of 12 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on September 24, 2008 9:36 PM
Great recap! I just was waiting for the reference to the motherfuckin' queen-You know-the singer with the massive head jewelry. If you can try to get it in the next recap I will be very happy. With screencap please.
Cheryl Burke must have gained 20 pounds for it to be showing so much in her face. What chance do the rest of us have when she can't keep the pounds off with her workout schedule??
4 of 12 | Posted by unwise | Posted on September 24, 2008 10:07 PM
Hey Krank!
I recapped DWTS last season and just wanted to say - GREAT JOB! Very funny stuff and I give you credit for taking this monster on!
Good luck!
bBitz
PS - My favorite is Lacey. Screw the other "stars" - she was on STYTYCD and she knows NEIL!!! (sigh)
5 of 12 | Posted by bBitz | Posted on September 24, 2008 11:33 PM
Hey Krank!
I recapped DWTS last season and just wanted to say - GREAT JOB! Very funny stuff and I give you credit for taking this monster on!
Good luck!
bBitz
PS - My favorite is Lacey. Screw the other "stars" - she was on SYTYCD and she knows NEIL!!! (sigh)
6 of 12 | Posted by bBitz | Posted on September 24, 2008 11:34 PM
Sorry about posting above twice - I tried to cover my acronym f-up!
Anyways, also wanted to mention to "unwise" that it was me who always referenced "the mother-fucking queen" - but maybe Krank will take over! :)
7 of 12 | Posted by bBitz | Posted on September 24, 2008 11:40 PM
"They keep claiming she's a Tony Award winner, but that is blatantly false. I will have "Unbreak My Heart" stuck in my head until she gets eliminated." lolllllllllllllll awesome recap, loved every sentence of it. esp. the part where you liken a jonas brothers guest appearance to a dog peeing on the carpet.
also, your hilarious recaps relieve me of the burden of having to actually watch the show...especially those pesky results shows. how great is that?
8 of 12 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 25, 2008 6:35 AM
Yes! bBitz! Thank you for the queen. Every time I see her I think of your recaps.
I adored Neil (SYTYCD) too!
9 of 12 | Posted by unwise | Posted on September 25, 2008 7:43 AM
GREAT recap! I haven't even watched the show yet, and you had me giggling like a 12yr old Jonas Bros. fan!
I have one request, though - could you carry on the tradition of calling Samantha Harris "Useless Samantha", please? It just suits her so well...
10 of 12 | Posted by aniglo | Posted on September 25, 2008 8:15 AM
Didn't watch. Don't recognize most of the "stars". Don't care. But...
Loved the recap. (A few more screen caps would be nice - especially when you mention sexy outfits.)
Cloris is great at any age.
Thanks!
11 of 12 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 25, 2008 12:10 PM
actually, yes...more pictures would be great. Especially any of Maks. I always included at least one of him with an open shirt...even if I had to pull one from a previous episode. :)
12 of 12 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on September 25, 2008 3:23 PM