Tonight on Dancing With the Stars, we learn that America hates gay blind people and loves eighty two year old sluts! God bless us!
This is a pic of me and my friend/DWTS partner KrankMills. Guess which one's which!
Tuesday night's show begins with me realizing why this woman is called Useless Samantha (copyrighted Bbitz Ent). She opened her mouth and it reminded me of the first time my dad let me and my sister stay in the car while it went through the giant mechanical car wash. Lot's of noise and moving parts to look at, but in the end we were just frightened and confused.
Thanks for the flashback, Useless.
We start by finding out who's the first couple safe to dance tonight! Lance Bass and Lacy! I'm glad that Lacy has found a job that lets her dress like a biker whore. Could you imagine this girl waiting on you at Chili's? Please wash your hands with hot water before delivering my Awesome Blossom, greaser. Lance hasn't lost his knack for kooky faces and over gelled fauxhawks, and together they're just adorable tanned. Reaalllly reaaaallly sweet tanned.
Together they'd make a very expensive tan pair of loafers.
Flashback to Lance making goofy faces like he's doing children's theater and telling us how excited he was by his and Lacy's performance. He had so much fun that he doesn't even remember what he just did! Thank god for that quality. If Lance Bass remembered half the shit he did he wouldn't leave his house. Cheers to a shady recollection!
Just because you didn't complete your mission to become the first gay guy to land on a donut doesn't mean you should be ashamed for the rest of your life. Dance on, Fauxhawk!
He and Lacy draw the Quick Step, which apparently means they will be hopping around a lot. In practice, Lance can't stop making goofy wacky faces at himself in the mirror and trying to fix his fauxhawk (which won't stop curling. Try Pomade. Or not having a fauxhawk), so Lacy has to talk to him like a four year old to get him to do anything.
Who made poopoo? Who made poopoo?
These two are well paired, because they're both WACKY! Lacy likes to come up with funny little names for all the dance moves. She tells Lance to be a Transformer, or a dog peeing on a hydrant, or the first gay guy landing on a donut. That one made him cry, but when he took ten and came back not remembering a thing, she showed him the bunny hump and got him loving life again.
The dance is cute. Lots and lots of hopping. Lacy is wearing another one of her witch ballgowns and Amy Winehouse hair and Lance is butching it up tonight with a giant lesbian key chain.
God forbid a lesbian forgets her keys EVER.
The only time they kinda suck is when they have to pop their heads to the rhythm. Neither one seems to be able to do that, which is weird. They end with a wacky face from Lance. Lacy tries to kiss him but he's busy making out with America.
He's Just Not That Into You
Len says something about the important part being in the middle and not enjoying their posture. I never know what the hell this old bastard is talking about, but I'm glad he's working because it's one less non sensical fart in front of me in line at Luby's. Bruno says the old dude is tiring and that he like like liked eet! Carrie Anne thought it was ok but lacked sophistication. Meanwhile she's wearing a dress that looks like it's made from cheap faux satin from Anna's Linens and plastic diamonds.
Right back at ya, biatch.
Tom introduces the band. Nice to see the McCain campaign has found something for Sarah Palin to do to balance out that embarrassing preacher tape that surfaced last week.
Finally found a way to get on TV with Oprah.
After some useless conversation with Useless about Lance's favorite dance move being "the pee on the dog", they get their scores. 7, 6, 8 and Tom cracks a joke about Lance being in trouble with PETA for peeing on dogs. Why would Lance worry about PETA when he has this waiting at home?
Who you callin dog?!?! SAY IT TO MY FACE!
Toni Braxton looks like she's seriously over it.
I better get weeks towards my unemployment for this.
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Comments (15)
LOLOLOLOL! That was seriously funny! I love Cloris whether she can dance or not. Ted needed to go because I couldn't take the porno faces he was making. Gross. Speaking of gross. Kim Kardashian needs to get off my TV. Ugh!
Poor Toni, I like her but you had me laughing like crazy at her.
Love you!
1 of 15 | Posted by Cherie | Posted on September 26, 2008 7:34 AM
I'm crying right now because my diaphragm hurts from laughing so hard (and before anyone gets started, I mean the abdomincal muscle tissue, not my birth control device). Is it just me or did Lacy steal Jerrell's Kenley Spears outfit? She looks just like her! Cloris is the bestest thing here... and come ON, who on this show has got a better resumé?... she was on Mary Tyler Moore (before MTM became Queen Scary Starving Arms) then got her own spinoff show, then played Nurse Diesel for Mel Brooks AND she was on the "Facts Of Life"! What more could you ask for?
Great recap, much love to you!
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. Oprah still sucks! Bwahahahahahahaha!
2 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 26, 2008 8:16 AM
Loved the recap, especially the photos from the results show. "And most could die at any momentest."
Thanks for the shirtless Maks photo. Maybe those should be included in recaps for all the shows reviewed on this site. I'm just sayin'...
3 of 15 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on September 26, 2008 9:17 AM
Life is too short to watch this - but your recaps are rediculous funny.
J-Mo: Don't forget Cloris in Young Frankenstien!
Wish I could just see the parts with Cloris. So many bad TV shows - so little time.
4 of 15 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 26, 2008 10:31 AM
fire@will... OMG, you're so right, I can't believe I forgot her as Frau Blücher! ((**Kenley laughs**))
love, J-Mo :)
5 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 26, 2008 10:49 AM
Cloris Leachman RUINS the show. All her tacky, whorish behavior is really unbecoming in a woman her age. Cloris Leachman drags this fine show into the gutter. I said the gutter.
Having said that I LURV Cloris on THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and your recapping of her antics was the funniest part of your recap.
Cloris has a Norma Desmond quality going on that is SO PATHETIC and SO DESPERATE.
OMG look what Cloris Leachman has become. From the heights of the LAST PICTURE SHOW and an Academy Award to this; grabbing at men's crotches on national TV. It's sad, sad, sad. I can't wait to see her next week! I'm sure she's going to take out her sagging breasts and show them to everyone before she's finally taken back to the mental institution.
Love Rocco (Oh-la-la!). Love Mambolicious Ted. (Oh, wait he's gone already.) Hate that big, fat, skank Oprah.
6 of 15 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on September 26, 2008 12:15 PM
What the hell.... Flipit recapping my most favorite show!!!
Cheryl only does half splits because if she did a full split, she'd stick to the floor.
Loved your recap, but Maks is mine! You can have Bruno.
7 of 15 | Posted by chooch850 | Posted on September 26, 2008 12:53 PM
flip--
"Is she unable to go all the way down or is there a rule not to make the janitors have to come out and mop up between sets? OK that was uncalled for. Sorry." uncalled for, are you sure? i'm pretty sure i heard her calling it. and it was just as good as anyone could have hoped.
funniest recap ever. no lies.
that isn't a kercheif!!! it's a POCKET SQUARE!!! remember, straigh guy's contribution to society that will love on long after he was booted from PR?
POCKET SQUARE (why do i keep hearing horsey laughs in the background???)
8 of 15 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 26, 2008 1:31 PM
I would love to see Oprah on DWTS.
Or Andy Rooney.
9 of 15 | Posted by gitgo | Posted on September 26, 2008 2:17 PM
This isn't really my show, but too fun to read your recap flip!!! I caught bits of it at my friends, and it looks like Cheryl has been eating all the hamburgers the girls of 90210 should be having--is it distortion of my friends flat screen, I swear everyone looks extra wide, like the proportions are off . . . anyone?
Why do I just instantly hate disney kids . . . they're so precocious!!! I agree that Phylis Diller, oops, I mean Cloris, is an attention whore, but I still love her in the "I hate this show, please blasphemize it" way.
I want to love Toni, and unbreak her heart, but I hate the wounded who keep harping on their wounds . . . it was my hypochondriac mother--don't judge!!!
And J-mo, if it was your birth control device, that's some deep laughter!!!!
10 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on September 26, 2008 4:43 PM
OMFG! Oh wah. Maybe you should stop wandering around the beach alone and GET A JOB.
Okay, back to read the rest of the recap. That just keeeled me. You say what the rest of us think and that slays me. LOL!
11 of 15 | Posted by zbird | Posted on September 26, 2008 7:19 PM
OMG - too much to quote that is TFF - both in comments and your recap. I LOVE the added commentary on the commercials.
juddfan - I was thinking the same about Cheryl. Maybe she is making some $ with her dance school and can eat now?
I get that TV embarrassment when Cloris is on but at the same time I want more!
12 of 15 | Posted by incognito | Posted on September 26, 2008 8:09 PM
Flipit;
Great recap! Now I have to mop up the Diet Dr. Pepper that I sprayed all over the place. Twice.
Can't help with the Blue Skies question, sorry.
Chloris (and anyone 80 or over that has the guts to go on a show like this) gets a free pass to do ANYTHING she likes! Yes, it may not be some folks' aesthetics, but she put in her time and earned her stripes. And if she wants to grab for the cute young guy's meat - GO GOR IT! I'd much rather see that than the guy munching on Kim's ass.
... and Oprah sucks the big one! Always will!
Lots O' Love
13 of 15 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 27, 2008 9:16 AM
Thanks for pointing out the thing about Maks. It's unfair how hot he is and there is no other comparable man eye candy on the show.
14 of 15 | Posted by Reiray | Posted on September 27, 2008 9:32 AM
Blue Skies = Cialis commercials. Erections are fun!
15 of 15 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on September 29, 2008 3:49 PM