The next couple safe is Brooke and Derek! When I wore contacts I used to get dry eyes and one time I bought these eye drops that were later recalled for being filled with bacteria. I was so grossed out that I got lasik, but Brooke, girl, you make me believe in saline again.
She tells us that she's peed five times in the past hour. Thanks. Maybe you should stop taking so many diuretics, Eating Disorder Daisy. In practice, Derek's only real rule is that her chest can't touch his. Only on this show would a man say that out loud. Or on Project Runway. Or on Top Design. Or on Ugly Betty. Holy shit. The gays have taken over the world.
Well get used to it, BROOKE!
He's so adamant about the rule that he picks her baby up off the floor and puts it in between them. It's like a Catholic School dance with Tiny subbing in for the Holy Ghost.
Is this my daddy?
No. Stop asking.
They've drawn the Quick Step, and Brooke looks stunning. Derek dances with his mouth wide open and is kinda all over the place, but Roseanne Connor seems to have liked it.
Len says it was the best so far again, Bruno growels and asks where they "came out from". Carrie Anne agrees with the boys and itches her dry eyes. Hon, buy some saline. No one will even notice the plastic diamonds. After Derek assures Useless that he's not a homo just because he didn't want to touch Brooke's boobies, the scores are in. 9, 8, 9! Well done. Now someone please pick the baby up off the floor and get it home before Cloris Leachman tries to make out with it.
Someone hand me that little man.
The next safe couple is Cloris and Corky! Flashback to her slutting herself all up and down the table. Afterwards she asks Corky if they've been voted off yet and then threatens to kick the shit out of the judges if she's outsies. Then she laughs for an uncomfortably long time. LOVE HER. In practice, Corky tells her that the Mambo was invented in the forties, which she takes as a strike to the heart, being born before Fred Flinstone and all. There is too much hilarity to write down here, but trust me. This woman is GOLD.
I'm over here, Cloris!
Corky tells us that Cloris is a nut, but she's just like his mom so he knows just what to do with her.
Inside voice, Corky.
I didn't stop hooting and hollering through this entire dance. BRILLIANT! There are no words.
I don't know if there was actually any choreography there. It was mostly just Corky girating all over the place while Cloris smacked his ass and grabbed his wiener and walked around the stage really slowly. BRILLIANT. If ballroom dancing was really like that, I'd do it every day. Cloris jokes that she bribed the judges and they all pull out cash. She takes it back from them and apologizes that they don't make very much money.
Carrie Anne calls her Golden Girl a lot and says that she liked the wiener grab. Len compliments Corky on not quitting, and when Bruno starts, Cloris asks him to speak English. LOL. He says he has never seen a mambo like this before and never will again. Then he says something that I don't think anyone understood, because the whole house is silent. Cloris looks like she has understood all of her non critiques and really digested them.
When's the bus coming?
They score a 6, 5, 5 and Cloris calls Carrie Anne a bitch. Can you give someone an Oscar for a reality show performance? I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU CLORIS LEACHMAN. She continues that the judges scores weren't very nice at all. Seriously though, you're gonna give the lowest score to the 82 year old? I'm thirtysomething and walking around the stage that much would have made me hyperventilate. The judges are asses. Useless tries to make light of the conversation, but as per usual, she's really really really bad at her job. As Tom tries to resume the show, Cloris is left blabbering about how pretty her costume is.
I wonder what they're saying back. You know it's hilarious.
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Comments (15)
LOLOLOLOL! That was seriously funny! I love Cloris whether she can dance or not. Ted needed to go because I couldn't take the porno faces he was making. Gross. Speaking of gross. Kim Kardashian needs to get off my TV. Ugh!
Poor Toni, I like her but you had me laughing like crazy at her.
Love you!
1 of 15 | Posted by Cherie | Posted on September 26, 2008 7:34 AM
I'm crying right now because my diaphragm hurts from laughing so hard (and before anyone gets started, I mean the abdomincal muscle tissue, not my birth control device). Is it just me or did Lacy steal Jerrell's Kenley Spears outfit? She looks just like her! Cloris is the bestest thing here... and come ON, who on this show has got a better resumé?... she was on Mary Tyler Moore (before MTM became Queen Scary Starving Arms) then got her own spinoff show, then played Nurse Diesel for Mel Brooks AND she was on the "Facts Of Life"! What more could you ask for?
Great recap, much love to you!
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. Oprah still sucks! Bwahahahahahahaha!
2 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 26, 2008 8:16 AM
Loved the recap, especially the photos from the results show. "And most could die at any momentest."
Thanks for the shirtless Maks photo. Maybe those should be included in recaps for all the shows reviewed on this site. I'm just sayin'...
3 of 15 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on September 26, 2008 9:17 AM
Life is too short to watch this - but your recaps are rediculous funny.
J-Mo: Don't forget Cloris in Young Frankenstien!
Wish I could just see the parts with Cloris. So many bad TV shows - so little time.
4 of 15 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 26, 2008 10:31 AM
fire@will... OMG, you're so right, I can't believe I forgot her as Frau Blücher! ((**Kenley laughs**))
love, J-Mo :)
5 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 26, 2008 10:49 AM
Cloris Leachman RUINS the show. All her tacky, whorish behavior is really unbecoming in a woman her age. Cloris Leachman drags this fine show into the gutter. I said the gutter.
Having said that I LURV Cloris on THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and your recapping of her antics was the funniest part of your recap.
Cloris has a Norma Desmond quality going on that is SO PATHETIC and SO DESPERATE.
OMG look what Cloris Leachman has become. From the heights of the LAST PICTURE SHOW and an Academy Award to this; grabbing at men's crotches on national TV. It's sad, sad, sad. I can't wait to see her next week! I'm sure she's going to take out her sagging breasts and show them to everyone before she's finally taken back to the mental institution.
Love Rocco (Oh-la-la!). Love Mambolicious Ted. (Oh, wait he's gone already.) Hate that big, fat, skank Oprah.
6 of 15 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on September 26, 2008 12:15 PM
What the hell.... Flipit recapping my most favorite show!!!
Cheryl only does half splits because if she did a full split, she'd stick to the floor.
Loved your recap, but Maks is mine! You can have Bruno.
7 of 15 | Posted by chooch850 | Posted on September 26, 2008 12:53 PM
flip--
"Is she unable to go all the way down or is there a rule not to make the janitors have to come out and mop up between sets? OK that was uncalled for. Sorry." uncalled for, are you sure? i'm pretty sure i heard her calling it. and it was just as good as anyone could have hoped.
funniest recap ever. no lies.
that isn't a kercheif!!! it's a POCKET SQUARE!!! remember, straigh guy's contribution to society that will love on long after he was booted from PR?
POCKET SQUARE (why do i keep hearing horsey laughs in the background???)
8 of 15 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 26, 2008 1:31 PM
I would love to see Oprah on DWTS.
Or Andy Rooney.
9 of 15 | Posted by gitgo | Posted on September 26, 2008 2:17 PM
This isn't really my show, but too fun to read your recap flip!!! I caught bits of it at my friends, and it looks like Cheryl has been eating all the hamburgers the girls of 90210 should be having--is it distortion of my friends flat screen, I swear everyone looks extra wide, like the proportions are off . . . anyone?
Why do I just instantly hate disney kids . . . they're so precocious!!! I agree that Phylis Diller, oops, I mean Cloris, is an attention whore, but I still love her in the "I hate this show, please blasphemize it" way.
I want to love Toni, and unbreak her heart, but I hate the wounded who keep harping on their wounds . . . it was my hypochondriac mother--don't judge!!!
And J-mo, if it was your birth control device, that's some deep laughter!!!!
10 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on September 26, 2008 4:43 PM
OMFG! Oh wah. Maybe you should stop wandering around the beach alone and GET A JOB.
Okay, back to read the rest of the recap. That just keeeled me. You say what the rest of us think and that slays me. LOL!
11 of 15 | Posted by zbird | Posted on September 26, 2008 7:19 PM
OMG - too much to quote that is TFF - both in comments and your recap. I LOVE the added commentary on the commercials.
juddfan - I was thinking the same about Cheryl. Maybe she is making some $ with her dance school and can eat now?
I get that TV embarrassment when Cloris is on but at the same time I want more!
12 of 15 | Posted by incognito | Posted on September 26, 2008 8:09 PM
Flipit;
Great recap! Now I have to mop up the Diet Dr. Pepper that I sprayed all over the place. Twice.
Can't help with the Blue Skies question, sorry.
Chloris (and anyone 80 or over that has the guts to go on a show like this) gets a free pass to do ANYTHING she likes! Yes, it may not be some folks' aesthetics, but she put in her time and earned her stripes. And if she wants to grab for the cute young guy's meat - GO GOR IT! I'd much rather see that than the guy munching on Kim's ass.
... and Oprah sucks the big one! Always will!
Lots O' Love
13 of 15 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 27, 2008 9:16 AM
Thanks for pointing out the thing about Maks. It's unfair how hot he is and there is no other comparable man eye candy on the show.
14 of 15 | Posted by Reiray | Posted on September 27, 2008 9:32 AM
Blue Skies = Cialis commercials. Erections are fun!
15 of 15 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on September 29, 2008 3:49 PM