The next safe couple is Toni and Alec. Tom says she proved she has "the heart" to go on. Classy, Tom. Then Toni talks about her heart disease. Oh for fucks sake shut up about your heart disease. You're on a dance show. Alec thinks that she needs to learn how to breathe properly. And also stop eating so many french fries. And drinking melted Crisco before bed. Marissa Jaret just nods in agreement in the audience.
They're dancing to the song "Blue Skies" and it's killing me because I know it's from a commercial but I can't remember which one. If I find out it's for heart medication I'm gonna be seriously pissed. Theirs is the calmest quick step of the night and it's pretty boring. They mostly just skip around the stage together until Tony kicks ass at the end with a crazy face to the stage turn.
Is there a piece of bacon on the floor or what?
Bruno says it was like a sparkly glass of champagne, Carrie Anne points out Toni's dead eyes, and Len says that she has a funny head. These judges are lame. I hope Cloris is right about them not getting paid well. Useless asks if Toni is feeling alright. Why wouldn't she be? Does she have health problems? They get an 8, a 7 and a 7. Cloris Leachman's gonna be waiting in the parking lot with a tire iron. Run, Toni! No, don't. Your HEART might EXPLODE.
The next couple safe is Warren and Kim. In Warren's interview, he talks about how fat guys are winners while Kim works on her future back problem.
What?
They are doing the quick step and it looks pretty scary in practice. Finally, Warren gets so frustrated that he asks the question that's been on my mind all night. What moron invented the Quick Step? I'd love to hear his thoughts on food combining.
Today you will be partnered with the guy from Green Mile. Good luck you two!
Kim gives him a very inspiring speech. "You can do it!" That's it? Alright then let's roll with it. Then inspiring music comes on and he seems to get it. By performance time he has improved a lot! Nice work, War! Looks like they cut a lot of the jumps and added some running around the stage, but I'm glad. He's a sweetheart. A sweetheart who just kinda ran and jumped awkwardly around the stage, but I've had to pee for two hours now and am too lazy to even get up to do that, so bravo.
Len says that it was entertaining but had no technique. Bruno beepbeepboopboops and Carrie Anne says that Warren is tons of fun. That woman needs to be slapped. Who says that to a fat person? Why not just compliment his personality or his pretty eyes, you plastic diamond wearing ho? They get a 7, 7, 8. This only confirms that they really, really hate Cloris Leachman.
Yay! I love pinatas! I'll bet that one's full of CRAP. Get me a bat.
The next safe couple is Ted and Inna. Inna says that Ted is a manly man (lol) and that to teach him the mambo she will have to break his spirit. If Married With Children didn't, you won't even faze him, lady. I am bored by these two, but have to admit it was awesome when she taught him how to work his ass.
Get that butt to the craft services table. It's starving.
Gotta hand it to Inna. She dances her ass off. Ted, on the other hand, basically just does the box step over and over and makes Days of Our Lives eyebrows. Tom calls it Mambolicious. Gross. Tom has been infected by Blayne from Project Runway. Carrie Anne tells Ted he's awkward and needs to look in the mirror more. I don't think that's the problem. Len loved it. Bruno says that Ted squeezed the life out of the mambo, but he means it as a compliment. Then Ted cries.
I'm just. So. Beautiful.
Tom tells us that Dancing With the Stars will soon be coming to our cell phones. And then knocking at our door at all times of the day and night. And then we're gonna run into it at the supermarket and at church. ABC needs to calm the fuck down.
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Comments (15)
LOLOLOLOL! That was seriously funny! I love Cloris whether she can dance or not. Ted needed to go because I couldn't take the porno faces he was making. Gross. Speaking of gross. Kim Kardashian needs to get off my TV. Ugh!
Poor Toni, I like her but you had me laughing like crazy at her.
Love you!
1 of 15 | Posted by Cherie | Posted on September 26, 2008 7:34 AM
I'm crying right now because my diaphragm hurts from laughing so hard (and before anyone gets started, I mean the abdomincal muscle tissue, not my birth control device). Is it just me or did Lacy steal Jerrell's Kenley Spears outfit? She looks just like her! Cloris is the bestest thing here... and come ON, who on this show has got a better resumé?... she was on Mary Tyler Moore (before MTM became Queen Scary Starving Arms) then got her own spinoff show, then played Nurse Diesel for Mel Brooks AND she was on the "Facts Of Life"! What more could you ask for?
Great recap, much love to you!
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. Oprah still sucks! Bwahahahahahahaha!
2 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 26, 2008 8:16 AM
Loved the recap, especially the photos from the results show. "And most could die at any momentest."
Thanks for the shirtless Maks photo. Maybe those should be included in recaps for all the shows reviewed on this site. I'm just sayin'...
3 of 15 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on September 26, 2008 9:17 AM
Life is too short to watch this - but your recaps are rediculous funny.
J-Mo: Don't forget Cloris in Young Frankenstien!
Wish I could just see the parts with Cloris. So many bad TV shows - so little time.
4 of 15 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 26, 2008 10:31 AM
fire@will... OMG, you're so right, I can't believe I forgot her as Frau Blücher! ((**Kenley laughs**))
love, J-Mo :)
5 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 26, 2008 10:49 AM
Cloris Leachman RUINS the show. All her tacky, whorish behavior is really unbecoming in a woman her age. Cloris Leachman drags this fine show into the gutter. I said the gutter.
Having said that I LURV Cloris on THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and your recapping of her antics was the funniest part of your recap.
Cloris has a Norma Desmond quality going on that is SO PATHETIC and SO DESPERATE.
OMG look what Cloris Leachman has become. From the heights of the LAST PICTURE SHOW and an Academy Award to this; grabbing at men's crotches on national TV. It's sad, sad, sad. I can't wait to see her next week! I'm sure she's going to take out her sagging breasts and show them to everyone before she's finally taken back to the mental institution.
Love Rocco (Oh-la-la!). Love Mambolicious Ted. (Oh, wait he's gone already.) Hate that big, fat, skank Oprah.
6 of 15 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on September 26, 2008 12:15 PM
What the hell.... Flipit recapping my most favorite show!!!
Cheryl only does half splits because if she did a full split, she'd stick to the floor.
Loved your recap, but Maks is mine! You can have Bruno.
7 of 15 | Posted by chooch850 | Posted on September 26, 2008 12:53 PM
flip--
"Is she unable to go all the way down or is there a rule not to make the janitors have to come out and mop up between sets? OK that was uncalled for. Sorry." uncalled for, are you sure? i'm pretty sure i heard her calling it. and it was just as good as anyone could have hoped.
funniest recap ever. no lies.
that isn't a kercheif!!! it's a POCKET SQUARE!!! remember, straigh guy's contribution to society that will love on long after he was booted from PR?
POCKET SQUARE (why do i keep hearing horsey laughs in the background???)
8 of 15 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 26, 2008 1:31 PM
I would love to see Oprah on DWTS.
Or Andy Rooney.
9 of 15 | Posted by gitgo | Posted on September 26, 2008 2:17 PM
This isn't really my show, but too fun to read your recap flip!!! I caught bits of it at my friends, and it looks like Cheryl has been eating all the hamburgers the girls of 90210 should be having--is it distortion of my friends flat screen, I swear everyone looks extra wide, like the proportions are off . . . anyone?
Why do I just instantly hate disney kids . . . they're so precocious!!! I agree that Phylis Diller, oops, I mean Cloris, is an attention whore, but I still love her in the "I hate this show, please blasphemize it" way.
I want to love Toni, and unbreak her heart, but I hate the wounded who keep harping on their wounds . . . it was my hypochondriac mother--don't judge!!!
And J-mo, if it was your birth control device, that's some deep laughter!!!!
10 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on September 26, 2008 4:43 PM
OMFG! Oh wah. Maybe you should stop wandering around the beach alone and GET A JOB.
Okay, back to read the rest of the recap. That just keeeled me. You say what the rest of us think and that slays me. LOL!
11 of 15 | Posted by zbird | Posted on September 26, 2008 7:19 PM
OMG - too much to quote that is TFF - both in comments and your recap. I LOVE the added commentary on the commercials.
juddfan - I was thinking the same about Cheryl. Maybe she is making some $ with her dance school and can eat now?
I get that TV embarrassment when Cloris is on but at the same time I want more!
12 of 15 | Posted by incognito | Posted on September 26, 2008 8:09 PM
Flipit;
Great recap! Now I have to mop up the Diet Dr. Pepper that I sprayed all over the place. Twice.
Can't help with the Blue Skies question, sorry.
Chloris (and anyone 80 or over that has the guts to go on a show like this) gets a free pass to do ANYTHING she likes! Yes, it may not be some folks' aesthetics, but she put in her time and earned her stripes. And if she wants to grab for the cute young guy's meat - GO GOR IT! I'd much rather see that than the guy munching on Kim's ass.
... and Oprah sucks the big one! Always will!
Lots O' Love
13 of 15 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 27, 2008 9:16 AM
Thanks for pointing out the thing about Maks. It's unfair how hot he is and there is no other comparable man eye candy on the show.
14 of 15 | Posted by Reiray | Posted on September 27, 2008 9:32 AM
Blue Skies = Cialis commercials. Erections are fun!
15 of 15 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on September 29, 2008 3:49 PM