You know what? Let's just pretend Useless isn't here, k? After Ted tells us that he's just here for the tight pants and high heels (and the world gasps in shock), the scores come out. 6, 6, 7. The next couple who is given the honor of dancing tonight is ...
I just wanted to insert this pic so I can read the comment war later. Discuss.
...Cody and Julianne! I saw Julienne the other day at Kitchen 24 with her family. None of them had spray tans or three inches of base on their faces like she did. All I could think was that they must feel really fug. She was super sweet to them and she is gorgeous (freakishly overmade gorgeous), but I made sure to eat two entrees and order a malt as loudly as possible because I was irrationally defensive for no reason. Personal story over.
She tells us that her other partners needed to loosen up, but Cody needs to get his shit together. And maybe bathe and brush his teeth before practice.
That boy looks like he smells like a dirty sock.
She keeps telling him to man up, be a man, and try to muster up some masculinity. LOLZ, Jules. He doesn't. They do the Quick Step. She looks perty, even though she has Ellie Mae's hair from Beverly Hillbillies. He does a good job with the not flailing and falling down stuff. Meh. This show should never ever ever be two hours long.
Bruno says they are the queens of the prom even though Cody is like Jiminy Cricket. WTF? Carrie Anne says that Cody has become a man. WTF? Len said that it was a really hard dance for an 18 year old to do and he pulled it off. WTF? You diss the eighty two year old and credit the eighteen year old like HIS age is a burden? My score for the judges is a triple WTF. Good job, hacks.
Please don't make me sit on your lap.
They score an 8, a 7, and an 8. That's awesome for a young person. Worse handicap than a heart disease. Suck it, Toni! I love that the producers are making Kim Kardashian and Rocco sweat, because they're assholes, but come on. Let Susan Lucci off the hook. She's had a long life of feeling like an also ran. Let the woman sit!
Oh wah. Maybe you should stop wandering around the beach alone and GET A JOB.
The next couple deemed worthy enough to dance is Rocco and Karina. Rocco didn't even bother combing his hair. Len hates Rocco too, which kinda makes me like Len. Sick how that works. Rocco said that his shitty performance last night was just the appetizer, but now he's ready to serve the main course! It will be frozen and sold at Costco with his Photoshopped face on it. Ass.
Rocco acts like an idiot in practice, and it translates well to the stage. Karina basically just has him squat a lot and wink at the audience, which was a good move on her part. Rocco's no dummy, he spends all of his free time flirting with an old lady. Is that his mom? I don't recognize her when she's not sweating over a stove cooking all the food in the restaurants that he takes credit for.
Len liked it, Bruno calls him an Italian stallion, and Carrie Anne says she wet her pants. ??? What'd I miss? Rocco says he got his hips unscrewed last night and then laughs like Janis from Friends. He squeals that dance should be our National Healthcare plan and Useless tells him he should run "for government". He would totally win. Yay democracy!
I WON GOVERNMENT! YAAAYYYY!!! Chalky frozen meatballs for everyone!
They score 7, 7, 7. Susan and Tony are finally taken off the chopping block. Flashback to the 15 score and that closeup of Susan's face.
She looks like that chick on Heroes with the black eyes that can kill anyone within a block radius. But hotter.
« House: It's Not A Toomah | Main | Ultimate Fighter: Nope, Nothing Gay Here!!! »
Comments (15)
LOLOLOLOL! That was seriously funny! I love Cloris whether she can dance or not. Ted needed to go because I couldn't take the porno faces he was making. Gross. Speaking of gross. Kim Kardashian needs to get off my TV. Ugh!
Poor Toni, I like her but you had me laughing like crazy at her.
Love you!
1 of 15 | Posted by Cherie | Posted on September 26, 2008 7:34 AM
I'm crying right now because my diaphragm hurts from laughing so hard (and before anyone gets started, I mean the abdomincal muscle tissue, not my birth control device). Is it just me or did Lacy steal Jerrell's Kenley Spears outfit? She looks just like her! Cloris is the bestest thing here... and come ON, who on this show has got a better resumé?... she was on Mary Tyler Moore (before MTM became Queen Scary Starving Arms) then got her own spinoff show, then played Nurse Diesel for Mel Brooks AND she was on the "Facts Of Life"! What more could you ask for?
Great recap, much love to you!
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. Oprah still sucks! Bwahahahahahahaha!
2 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 26, 2008 8:16 AM
Loved the recap, especially the photos from the results show. "And most could die at any momentest."
Thanks for the shirtless Maks photo. Maybe those should be included in recaps for all the shows reviewed on this site. I'm just sayin'...
3 of 15 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on September 26, 2008 9:17 AM
Life is too short to watch this - but your recaps are rediculous funny.
J-Mo: Don't forget Cloris in Young Frankenstien!
Wish I could just see the parts with Cloris. So many bad TV shows - so little time.
4 of 15 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 26, 2008 10:31 AM
fire@will... OMG, you're so right, I can't believe I forgot her as Frau Blücher! ((**Kenley laughs**))
love, J-Mo :)
5 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 26, 2008 10:49 AM
Cloris Leachman RUINS the show. All her tacky, whorish behavior is really unbecoming in a woman her age. Cloris Leachman drags this fine show into the gutter. I said the gutter.
Having said that I LURV Cloris on THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and your recapping of her antics was the funniest part of your recap.
Cloris has a Norma Desmond quality going on that is SO PATHETIC and SO DESPERATE.
OMG look what Cloris Leachman has become. From the heights of the LAST PICTURE SHOW and an Academy Award to this; grabbing at men's crotches on national TV. It's sad, sad, sad. I can't wait to see her next week! I'm sure she's going to take out her sagging breasts and show them to everyone before she's finally taken back to the mental institution.
Love Rocco (Oh-la-la!). Love Mambolicious Ted. (Oh, wait he's gone already.) Hate that big, fat, skank Oprah.
6 of 15 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on September 26, 2008 12:15 PM
What the hell.... Flipit recapping my most favorite show!!!
Cheryl only does half splits because if she did a full split, she'd stick to the floor.
Loved your recap, but Maks is mine! You can have Bruno.
7 of 15 | Posted by chooch850 | Posted on September 26, 2008 12:53 PM
flip--
"Is she unable to go all the way down or is there a rule not to make the janitors have to come out and mop up between sets? OK that was uncalled for. Sorry." uncalled for, are you sure? i'm pretty sure i heard her calling it. and it was just as good as anyone could have hoped.
funniest recap ever. no lies.
that isn't a kercheif!!! it's a POCKET SQUARE!!! remember, straigh guy's contribution to society that will love on long after he was booted from PR?
POCKET SQUARE (why do i keep hearing horsey laughs in the background???)
8 of 15 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 26, 2008 1:31 PM
I would love to see Oprah on DWTS.
Or Andy Rooney.
9 of 15 | Posted by gitgo | Posted on September 26, 2008 2:17 PM
This isn't really my show, but too fun to read your recap flip!!! I caught bits of it at my friends, and it looks like Cheryl has been eating all the hamburgers the girls of 90210 should be having--is it distortion of my friends flat screen, I swear everyone looks extra wide, like the proportions are off . . . anyone?
Why do I just instantly hate disney kids . . . they're so precocious!!! I agree that Phylis Diller, oops, I mean Cloris, is an attention whore, but I still love her in the "I hate this show, please blasphemize it" way.
I want to love Toni, and unbreak her heart, but I hate the wounded who keep harping on their wounds . . . it was my hypochondriac mother--don't judge!!!
And J-mo, if it was your birth control device, that's some deep laughter!!!!
10 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on September 26, 2008 4:43 PM
OMFG! Oh wah. Maybe you should stop wandering around the beach alone and GET A JOB.
Okay, back to read the rest of the recap. That just keeeled me. You say what the rest of us think and that slays me. LOL!
11 of 15 | Posted by zbird | Posted on September 26, 2008 7:19 PM
OMG - too much to quote that is TFF - both in comments and your recap. I LOVE the added commentary on the commercials.
juddfan - I was thinking the same about Cheryl. Maybe she is making some $ with her dance school and can eat now?
I get that TV embarrassment when Cloris is on but at the same time I want more!
12 of 15 | Posted by incognito | Posted on September 26, 2008 8:09 PM
Flipit;
Great recap! Now I have to mop up the Diet Dr. Pepper that I sprayed all over the place. Twice.
Can't help with the Blue Skies question, sorry.
Chloris (and anyone 80 or over that has the guts to go on a show like this) gets a free pass to do ANYTHING she likes! Yes, it may not be some folks' aesthetics, but she put in her time and earned her stripes. And if she wants to grab for the cute young guy's meat - GO GOR IT! I'd much rather see that than the guy munching on Kim's ass.
... and Oprah sucks the big one! Always will!
Lots O' Love
13 of 15 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 27, 2008 9:16 AM
Thanks for pointing out the thing about Maks. It's unfair how hot he is and there is no other comparable man eye candy on the show.
14 of 15 | Posted by Reiray | Posted on September 27, 2008 9:32 AM
Blue Skies = Cialis commercials. Erections are fun!
15 of 15 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on September 29, 2008 3:49 PM