They draw the Quick Step and dramatic music plays as Susan tells Tony how stupid she feels. AWWW!!! You're not stupid! You're just a really, really, really bad dancer. In performance, Tony flips her all over the place at first, which must have really strained his back because she's giant. They are doing a slow mo version of the Quick Step, and Lucci's awkwardness works really well for this dance. Carrie Anne says it was much better and then asks Tony if he has something to say because he's not fakey bleach whitey smiling. He tells her to find a hot poker and sit on it. In my mind. In real life he sweetly brushed her off. LAME. Len loved it, and Bruno does his best Balky impression. I can't concentrate on one thing Useless says, but Susan Lucci comes off as the sweetest, most adorable, black eyed humanity destroyer EVER. I wanna give her a hug. Over email.
They score a 7, 7, 8. Susan acts like she didn't lose the Emmy for once all over again. Only two couples left!
Excuse you, America, but have you not seen my film?
Nasty Liberace patched Jeffrey takes every last second of DWTS life to maul and breathe all over his poor partner before getting his butt kicked to the curb. She actually looks happy.
Please make it stop.
Jeffrey doesn't seem to understand what just happened. HAHAH. Edyta whispers that America hates him and he just stands there dumbfounded.
Does this mean I have to stop calling you?
His friends and family stand in solidarity wearing eye patches. Aw. Jeffrey says this is a nightmare and everyone told him Edyta would be easy on the eyes. Wa waaaaaa! He continues that he will cry after this but it's been fun and he wants us to know that if he can do it, we can do it! You can't do it. That's the point. Thanks for making us all feel like losers too, bonehead.
He apologizes to Edyta for bringing her down after she won second place last year and urges us to send her money to support her nine children back in Poland. HAHA! Tom asks him to roast his own performance on the show and he says he's more "hahaha than chachacha". Two people in the audience laugh. Way to elevate your career. This is sadder than that Extreme Home Makeover commercial showing the woman with fourteen kids. Wait. No it's not. That show seriously needs to get out of my head.
Kim's up next, and in practice, she insists that she's so not sexy and doesn't know how to work her ass.
Come on, now.
They are dancing to Big Butts, which is kinda amazing. They start with Martin literally grabbing hold of her booty and shaking it for her. Hilarious. She just struts around looking pretty while he dances his butt off. It's kinda uncomfortable because he looks like he's in first grade. They end with him acting like he's munching her butt. I don't know what I expected, but I guess I got it. She's terrible, and she's hot. And she will be richer than all of us for the rest of our lives.
Mouth off the money maker, Aladdin.
Bruno says Kim's hot but "more wasted asses than Fannie and Freddy." Huh? Tom explains that he meant "assets". Either way makes the same kind of NO SENSE. That scandal isn't about wasted assets, it's about giving shit away to people with no money. Kim doesn't have that problem. She only gives her shit to rich dudes. Get your analogies straight, Papa John's. Len tells her that she doesn't hink she's sexy so she's not. Carrie Anne says that she doesn't have experience dancing (or acting. Or singing. Or working in any kind of way) but she's doing her best. I actually feel sorry for Kim Kardashian! I HATE THESE JUDGES! HATE!
They score her 6, 6, 6 and Kim says that she's happy that she beat the 82 year old. AND NOW! Drumrollllll!!!! A quick pic recap of the results show.
The dancers come out and do a routine to Under Pressure and I fall in love all over again.
The Lord of My Pants
Recap of last night. OMG you guys Toni could have died!
Wait....wait....nope I'm ok.
Then Warren was called "supersized" and "tons of fun" and fat people all over America nurtured their hatred of Carrie Anne and Tom.
I mean when you sit around the house you sit AROUND the house!
Lance gave Laci crabs...
...and Len asked Ted for a dinner date.
Uhhhhh....
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Comments (15)
LOLOLOLOL! That was seriously funny! I love Cloris whether she can dance or not. Ted needed to go because I couldn't take the porno faces he was making. Gross. Speaking of gross. Kim Kardashian needs to get off my TV. Ugh!
Poor Toni, I like her but you had me laughing like crazy at her.
Love you!
1 of 15 | Posted by Cherie | Posted on September 26, 2008 7:34 AM
I'm crying right now because my diaphragm hurts from laughing so hard (and before anyone gets started, I mean the abdomincal muscle tissue, not my birth control device). Is it just me or did Lacy steal Jerrell's Kenley Spears outfit? She looks just like her! Cloris is the bestest thing here... and come ON, who on this show has got a better resumé?... she was on Mary Tyler Moore (before MTM became Queen Scary Starving Arms) then got her own spinoff show, then played Nurse Diesel for Mel Brooks AND she was on the "Facts Of Life"! What more could you ask for?
Great recap, much love to you!
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. Oprah still sucks! Bwahahahahahahaha!
2 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 26, 2008 8:16 AM
Loved the recap, especially the photos from the results show. "And most could die at any momentest."
Thanks for the shirtless Maks photo. Maybe those should be included in recaps for all the shows reviewed on this site. I'm just sayin'...
3 of 15 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on September 26, 2008 9:17 AM
Life is too short to watch this - but your recaps are rediculous funny.
J-Mo: Don't forget Cloris in Young Frankenstien!
Wish I could just see the parts with Cloris. So many bad TV shows - so little time.
4 of 15 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 26, 2008 10:31 AM
fire@will... OMG, you're so right, I can't believe I forgot her as Frau Blücher! ((**Kenley laughs**))
love, J-Mo :)
5 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 26, 2008 10:49 AM
Cloris Leachman RUINS the show. All her tacky, whorish behavior is really unbecoming in a woman her age. Cloris Leachman drags this fine show into the gutter. I said the gutter.
Having said that I LURV Cloris on THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and your recapping of her antics was the funniest part of your recap.
Cloris has a Norma Desmond quality going on that is SO PATHETIC and SO DESPERATE.
OMG look what Cloris Leachman has become. From the heights of the LAST PICTURE SHOW and an Academy Award to this; grabbing at men's crotches on national TV. It's sad, sad, sad. I can't wait to see her next week! I'm sure she's going to take out her sagging breasts and show them to everyone before she's finally taken back to the mental institution.
Love Rocco (Oh-la-la!). Love Mambolicious Ted. (Oh, wait he's gone already.) Hate that big, fat, skank Oprah.
6 of 15 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on September 26, 2008 12:15 PM
What the hell.... Flipit recapping my most favorite show!!!
Cheryl only does half splits because if she did a full split, she'd stick to the floor.
Loved your recap, but Maks is mine! You can have Bruno.
7 of 15 | Posted by chooch850 | Posted on September 26, 2008 12:53 PM
flip--
"Is she unable to go all the way down or is there a rule not to make the janitors have to come out and mop up between sets? OK that was uncalled for. Sorry." uncalled for, are you sure? i'm pretty sure i heard her calling it. and it was just as good as anyone could have hoped.
funniest recap ever. no lies.
that isn't a kercheif!!! it's a POCKET SQUARE!!! remember, straigh guy's contribution to society that will love on long after he was booted from PR?
POCKET SQUARE (why do i keep hearing horsey laughs in the background???)
8 of 15 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 26, 2008 1:31 PM
I would love to see Oprah on DWTS.
Or Andy Rooney.
9 of 15 | Posted by gitgo | Posted on September 26, 2008 2:17 PM
This isn't really my show, but too fun to read your recap flip!!! I caught bits of it at my friends, and it looks like Cheryl has been eating all the hamburgers the girls of 90210 should be having--is it distortion of my friends flat screen, I swear everyone looks extra wide, like the proportions are off . . . anyone?
Why do I just instantly hate disney kids . . . they're so precocious!!! I agree that Phylis Diller, oops, I mean Cloris, is an attention whore, but I still love her in the "I hate this show, please blasphemize it" way.
I want to love Toni, and unbreak her heart, but I hate the wounded who keep harping on their wounds . . . it was my hypochondriac mother--don't judge!!!
And J-mo, if it was your birth control device, that's some deep laughter!!!!
10 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on September 26, 2008 4:43 PM
OMFG! Oh wah. Maybe you should stop wandering around the beach alone and GET A JOB.
Okay, back to read the rest of the recap. That just keeeled me. You say what the rest of us think and that slays me. LOL!
11 of 15 | Posted by zbird | Posted on September 26, 2008 7:19 PM
OMG - too much to quote that is TFF - both in comments and your recap. I LOVE the added commentary on the commercials.
juddfan - I was thinking the same about Cheryl. Maybe she is making some $ with her dance school and can eat now?
I get that TV embarrassment when Cloris is on but at the same time I want more!
12 of 15 | Posted by incognito | Posted on September 26, 2008 8:09 PM
Flipit;
Great recap! Now I have to mop up the Diet Dr. Pepper that I sprayed all over the place. Twice.
Can't help with the Blue Skies question, sorry.
Chloris (and anyone 80 or over that has the guts to go on a show like this) gets a free pass to do ANYTHING she likes! Yes, it may not be some folks' aesthetics, but she put in her time and earned her stripes. And if she wants to grab for the cute young guy's meat - GO GOR IT! I'd much rather see that than the guy munching on Kim's ass.
... and Oprah sucks the big one! Always will!
Lots O' Love
13 of 15 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 27, 2008 9:16 AM
Thanks for pointing out the thing about Maks. It's unfair how hot he is and there is no other comparable man eye candy on the show.
14 of 15 | Posted by Reiray | Posted on September 27, 2008 9:32 AM
Blue Skies = Cialis commercials. Erections are fun!
15 of 15 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on September 29, 2008 3:49 PM