Why do we need a closeup of the Pussycat Doll? She looks like Hedda Lettuce.
That's a face made for the stage. A dark one.
Newsflash: Jessica Simpson is still fucking horrible.
Kelly Pickler actually sounds like Patsy Cline next to this dodo. Even dead.
Uh, nice dancing. Those shoes don't match. Jesus. There are like fifty gay guys around you. How does this happen?
Backstage with Useless, Rocco thanks America for our "faith" in him. Dude, you're hot. You win, ok? It has nothing to do with faith. Then Toni Braxton puts down her slice of pizza and brags about her bikini wax.
The next two safe couples are Cody and Julianne...
You're like a little baby. I'm gonna eat your head and stay young and fake tanned FOREVAH!!!
...and Brooke and Derrick!
You're boobies are touching me, dammit.
And now, we get to feel sorry for the busy busy judges because Len and Bruno are also the judges of the London version of the show. We feel sorry for Carrie Anne because no one asked her to come. Aw.
Well it's certainly not that your personality isn't sparkling. A hole.
By the time they arrive in London, Len is older and grosser and Bruno, if you can believe it, is even gayer.
The London host is way hotter than Tom. Yeah, I said it.
Bruno compares his work schedule to the life of an Olympian and says it's tough to remember all of the celebrities.
I think it's the other way around, Bucca de Pepa.
Guess what? You know how I said Hedda Lettuce should only be allowed to perform on a dark stage? She's performing on a dark stage! I am totally believing in shaping my own destiny right now.
Much better.
Thankfully, lots of mosquitoes are also being killed during this number. Take that, West Nile Virus!
How many weeks does this last?
Doc: I need you take off your shirt.
Man: You first.
Doc: No you.
Man: You.
Doc: Fine.
Man: You're hot.
Doc: You are.
Man: My heart is racing.
Doc: I have a prescription here for my penis.
Man: YAY!
Announcer Guy: Plavix.
Country music was harmed tonight but not killed, so Jessica Simpson comes back to stomp on it's face. She's doing her best Fergie impression, but it's not working out for her. Man, she's really, really, really bad.
I wish I was there to kick that mic down her throat.
Hers too, while I'm at it.
Even Maks' ass can't save this tripe.
But I'm glad he tried.
Backstage, Brooke talks about how she's never danced and she just can't believe how much everyone loves her. Useless is literally falling all over her.
Ew. Don't touch me.
The next couple safe are Susan and Tony.
And Susan is so happy that her neck turns into a tree trunk and starts growing limbs and dropping apples all over the stage.
Lance looks really happy for them.
Don't make me feel like a loser AGAIN America!
Backstage, the stars let Useless know what they think of her...
While Kim reminds us why she's on this show.
And then we learn that the very not gay Cody is always late to the stage because he's hanging out in the men's room for a toe tapping good time.
Rocco's always texting his mom to make sure she's making the food that he puts his name all over. Lazy ass moms.
And Cloris is always lap dancing the guys. Slut.
Warren and Kim are safe, and they are followed by Maurice and Cheryl. Damn how long is this?
Yeah no shit.
Lance and Lacy are safe, and thankfully they don't kiss. Misty and Maks are safe too, and that leaves the two hottest women on this show left. Cloris and Kim. They've both got a great rack, but Cloris also has...I don't know. A spirit. It's so tense that Corky starts dry humping Cloris and grabbing her boobs. Wow.
Even Kim's grossed out by that one.
Kim's out! Aw. Poor thing. She talks about how her dad died and must be really proud of her. Every dad is proud when his internet porn star daughter is kicked off a reality show. Then there's a big group hug that Cloris gets the hell out of asap.
Enough with the touching. How To Look Good Naked's on.
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Comments (4)
I love that cloris leachman was the whore grandma on Beerfest. they should give her a sausage to prep for the boys.
1 of 4 | Posted by smaile | Posted on October 3, 2008 12:10 AM
I flew to Iowa this summer to see my parents. I flew out of Burbank. Tom Bergeron was flying someplace that day too and stood right next to me while he waited for his flight. Only one person, a guy in a wheelchair, said anything to Tom but everyone in that airport had their cell phones out discreetly taking pictures of Tom.
I like Jessica Simpsons' "Come on Over."
Someone needs to have Cloris Leachman's perscriptions filled. I want to laugh at Cloris but the part of me still from Iowa knows it would be wrong. I find her amusing but I suspect she's suffering from some sort of dementia. To want to stay on a reality show SO BADLY seems really sad to me.
2 of 4 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on October 3, 2008 7:56 AM
KrankMills, thanks for helping those of us unable to watch this show keep up, I still haven't quite figured out how it all works, but you are like a Hooked-On-Phonics CD, helping me through it (call 1-800-ABCDEFG!). I think there are just so many people it's kinda confusing me, between the dancers, the "celebrities", the judges, the hosts, the choreographers, Cloris' boobs, Kim Kardashian's ass' and Lance Bass' great-gawsh-a-mighty-wide-ass-eyes... there are just so many characters, it's like a friggin' Kentucky Family Reunion.
As far as Halloween costumes, I'd say put blue spray-paint in a diarrhea pattern down the center of your hair, refer to yourself in the third-person and talk to your dead relatives in the sky a lot and you can go as Suede/Pleather...
...and Flipit, I say you just put on a pair of tighty-whiteys, go as Baby New Year and hustle your hot ass on over to my place... *grin* :)
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. BTW, Hedda Lettuce is way more talented than all 5,943 Pussycat Dolls... you should hear her hit country song "Jesus Take The Wheel Cuz I'm Too Drunk To Drive"...
3 of 4 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on October 3, 2008 8:37 AM
Nice use of the word "Slatterns!" Now then, here's my totally clueless prediction. Cloris shakes off her comic "ruse" and reveals that she is the grand daughter of a master Ballroom dancer. Her innate talent powers her through to a showdown with Brooke, which Cloris loses in a squeaker after a contested recount that pits the AARP against a small but highly motivated group of adolescent boy voters.
4 of 4 | Posted by TVFanNYC | Posted on October 3, 2008 10:06 AM