The new season opened with the pros gleefully partnering each other instead of the "stars" with which they've been saddled. I didn't pay much attention, as it has nothing to do with the actual competition, but the audience loved the upbeat number.

Man, that hair's got talent!

Then the "stars" were introduced:

Jennie Garth, late of Beverly Hills 90210 and some highly forgettable c-grade sitcom on a network I can't remember. The show generously lists her as an actress. She's partnered with a new guy named Derek.

Josie Maran is with Alec, the guy who, along with Kelly Monaco, won the first season (in what was clearly a rigged vote.)

Sabrina Bryan...never heard of her. She's paired with a guy named Mark.

Entertainer (not just singer anymore) Marie Osmond and her partner Jonathan the Human Ken Doll make their entrance, followed by Mel B. (a.k.a. "Scary Spice") with Maksim...the reason most women tune in to this silly venture. Maksim won me over several seasons back with his rather memorable "compliment" on Tia Carrere's improved dancing: "It doesn't suck as much."

Don't go changin'!

Jane Seymore (why has she stooped to this show?) walks down the steps with Tony, who is rumored to have a tendency to sleep with his charges.

Then comes Cameron Mathison, who plays bugged-eyed Ryan Lavery on All My Children. On his arm is the ever-stunning Edyta. You can always tell how bad her partner is going to be by how little she's wearing. Last season, while paired with John Ratzenberger, I believe she was completely nude at least twice. The fact that Mathison tripped coming down the stairs during his entrance explains why Edyta was only wearing a scarf. It's gonna be a chilly season for this poor woman.

Floyd Mayweather is behind Mathison - no jokes here, as Mayweather could easily snap me in two. He's with Mario Lopez's favorite gal, Karina, who, during the off-season, has been doing swimsuit modeling for t.v. tabloid shows.

Then there's Helio Castroneves. I had to look up how to spell his name, where I also discovered he's a race car driver. I'm sure his fans will be thrilled to see him dance. Helio lucked out and got Julianne, who was last season's champion. Her trophy was Apolo Anton Ohno, who is currently home sitting on her fireplace mantle.

Albert Reed is next. He's apparently a model for overpriced clothing lines, which explains why he looks so comfortable in a tuxedo. His professional instructor is Anna.

Two more to go....

"Entrepreneur" Mark Cuban, unable to make his own reality show a hit, may have purchased this show to ensure he could participate. He oozes "entitlement." He also may have purchased new implants for his partner Kym, who's looking more and more like Full-Size Barbie.

Last is Wayne Newton, who is the subject of some horrific memories of mine involving a New Year's Eve television special and an especially damaging rendition of "Gangsta's Paradise"...God, I wish I was kidding. Botox Boy will be dancing with two-time champion Cheryl.

Who's the guy in the Wayne Newton mask?

The ever-cheerful Bergeron reminds us that one of these couples is just "one dance away from elimination." Well, one dance, three days of repetitive videos showing rehearsals, and some snappy comments from our favorite judges.

Let the fun begin!

Mr. Lachey tells us the couples will be performing either the Fox Trot or Cha-Cha-Cha...Good Lord, Drew is bad. Mercifully he only has to string together 5 sentences, but it takes him nearly three minutes.

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Posted in Dancing with the Stars by CattyFan at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)
Last Comment: dr.birdie on Sep 27, 2007 06:58 PM.