As Drew Lachey's thin voice gets lost under the roar of the crowd, we're reminded that Monday night the women kicked off the season with "explosive" performances, but now it's "testosterone Tuesday," and time for the men to show us what they can do.

But first...

Ya know, the only show that has more reviews and previews is The Bachelor. ABC must assume their target demographic is suffering from Alzheimers. But the endless reviews allow the network to stretch the premiere of one of their few success stories to three nights. It's 13 minutes in and we're still seeing "highlights" from the women's efforts, and suffering through a tacky Marcel Marceau joke from Tom Bergeron. Then Len says the women "literally threw down the gauntlet." Funny. I never saw any gauntlets being flung. You'd think as proper as he is, Len would know there's a world of difference between "literally" and "figuratively."

Replacement host Drew then intros some pros who show us what the Fox Trot and Cha-Cha are supposed to look like, in case we don't recognize them when performed by the "stars." When the cameras cut back to our hosts, Drew once again has his hands shoved deeply into his pockets to provide himself with a reminder that, in spite of the pubescent voice, he really is a man.

The roster of "stars" is an interesting mix of lesser-knowns, has-beens, and never-wasses. To whit:

The women, who demonstrated their talents in episode one, are actress Jennie Garth, Josie the Supermodel, Sabrina the Cheetah Girl, Old Spice, entertainer Marie Osmond, and the talented and beautiful Jane Seymore.

The producers put more work into getting an interesting selection of guys: soap star Cameron Mathison, boxer Floyd Mayweather (who, they tell us again and again is, pound for pound, the best boxer in the world,) racer Helio Castroneves, model Albert Reed, billionaire businessman Mark Cuban, and Mr. Las Vegas Wayne Newton. Nearly twenty minutes into the show, they finally begin dancing.

Cameron Mathison and Edyta are first. Edyta's barely there dress is an indicator that Mathison isn't likely up to the challenge. But first, more precious moments on video to help us get to know the participants. We learn Cameron thinks he's a "goof-ball" and isn't above cheap pandering to soap opera fans, as he begs for votes before he's even danced a step. We also find out he has a bone problem which negatively impacts his flexibility. Can't really make fun of that, but isn't it an odd choice to go on a dance show when you can't bend? It would be like signing up for America's Next Top Model when you look like this:

Although it isn't readily apparent in the rehearsal footage, they tell us they'll be doing the fox trot.

Unfortunately Edyta's skimpy outfit isn't enough to cover up the fact that Cameron is awkward and stiff, and he almost misses catching her when she drops backward at the end.

Len begins by making the familiar speech about how hard the fox trot is...trying to soften the blow that's sure to come. Ultimately, Len likens the performance to a dripping faucet...you know, like a Chinese water torture. Bruno gave it an okay, and Carrie Ann said it started weak, but said Cameron's posture was good. Stands to reason, since he's already told us he has trouble bending.

Backstage, Drew asks about what sounds like the Asian version of Mathison's daytime drama Ah Mah Chuhrrun, then asks for the scores...and, like Monday, with nothing to compare this to, the judges issue the standard 21 points.

Next up, boxer Floyd Mayweather and his partner Karina. For some reason we're shown Mayweather working out in a suit. I didn't know there was a Worsted Wool weight class in boxing. He seizes the moment to tell us he's also training for another fight.

Blood on the Dance Floor

The video footage includes Karina teaching Floyd the cha-cha. First, the all-important counting. Those pesky numbers, one, two, three, cause an early tiff between the pair, but Karina and Floyd make up quickly. Now they're on the floor for the real thing, and although Floyd is enthusiastic and does fine on some raunchy moves, he's also flat-footed and weirdly aggressive.

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Posted in Dancing with the Stars by CattyFan at 3:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)
Last Comment: weasel dearest on Sep 28, 2007 01:09 PM.