Models tend to have small fan bases (along with journalists, most sports commentators, and reality T.V. contestants,) and therefore don't stand much of a chance against TV stars, world-champion athletes, and iconic singers...or even flash-in-the-pan singers who recently shucked out a kid fathered by a comedian who wishes mother and child would just go away. (Yes, I mean you, Mel B.)

Let's take a walk down memory lane and salute the first-to-gos from seasons past! The very first Dancing With the Stars had only a handful of contestants, several of whom were suspiciously connected with other Alphabet network shows. But in spite of her relation to an ABC reality show, Trista Rehn (late of The Bachelorette) washed out after one waltz. She didn't mind much, though, since she got to wear a pretty dress on T.V., and she knew TPTB had already signed on the dotted line to shill her nuptials to dim firefighter Ryan Sutter. It's a wonder they didn't broadcast the birth of the couple's offspring, as well.

The second outing of the show gave us the movement stylings of one Kenny Maine. Notice how I tactfully avoided applying the word "dancing" to what the ESPN sports anchorman did. If you missed it, believe me when I tell you it was huMaine for everyone involved to send the man packing. If you had the misfortune to see what he did, I hope your nightmares have subsequently subsided.

Political commentator Tucker Carlson was first out in season three, but I'm not sure his heart was ever in the competition. If I remember correctly, Carlson actually spent half of his one and only "dance" doing exactly what he does at his day job: sitting in his ass.

I ain't movin'.

Season four saw a model shown to the door only moments after she'd strapped on her dancing shoes. Paulina Porizkova, it turns out, is just a tall, lovable, beautiful klutz. She reminds me of the Collapsible Frinks in the Dr. Seuss books, only with a much better smile.

That brings us to the current battle being waged on the wood floor, and before I turned on my VCR to watch the first results show of the season (to find out which couple will be the first to be sent home,) I reviewed in my head each of the pairs I'd watched during the first two parts of the excessively long premiere. I deduced that, regardless of his passable performance and his "warp-drive crotch action," Albert Reed was most likely to go. I based the conclusion on his lack of fan base and the fact that he's a model.

Who will join the illustrious roster of super-clods? Well, we won't find out until after we've wasted an entire hour.
Turns out my time contemplating the first two episodes was unnecessary, as I'd forgotten the results show is comprised of replaying the rehearsal footage, the dances, and the judges' comments until we can all repeat the dialogue verbatim. There's also the edited version, wherein all the stars look like they did something impressive, and the confessional interviews, during which Mark Cuban seizes yet another opportunity to brag about the bucket loads of money he made when he sold his company. Every time he mentions the $5.7 billion profit and how good it felt, but then claims he likes the dancing better, I like him even less. Jealous? Yes, I am.

In the first five minutes, we're reminded three times that the women danced on Monday and the men danced on Tuesday. This show is really helpful for learning the days of the week. Then the Cheetalicious Girl and her partner were asked to repeat their cha-cha for the good of all mankind.

Waaaaaahhhhh THANK YOU!!!!!

« Dancing With The Stars...Who The Hell Are These Guys? | | Private Practice: Moving On »

Posted in Dancing with the Stars by CattyFan at 9:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
Last Comment: lifesabeach on Oct 1, 2007 11:12 AM.