In the first three columns I devoted considerable time to expressing my distaste for The Little Man filling in for Samantha Harris. For this particular review, I will vow to avoid further comment, allowing me to escape those pesky bleeding ears by fast forwarding through his segments.

I'm sorry, were you saying something?

Tonight, they waste no time getting into the actual contest. First out of the gate, Old Spice and her partner, Maxsim. Their lead-in video tells us they'll be doing the quickstep, and also reveals Maks is having trouble making Mel B. look like a lady...so he brings in an etiquette expert, and Mel decrees she will now be known as Lady Spice. I can only presume that's the name of a new product from Proctor and Gamble, and wonder vaguely why she would want to name herself after a deodorant.

They take to the floor and begin to move to the band's manglization of A-Ha's Take On Me. It's not very quick, though, and Maks gives the appearance of dragging his little Sow's Ear through the performance. The judges like it, with Bruno likening Mel to Lena Horne...causing, I'm sure, Miss Horne to weep from embarrassment. Mel and Maks receive a generous 23 points.

If I had Lena's number I'd send her some flowers and a Shoebox Greeting right now.

Next up, Mark Cuban and Kym's breasts, which I believe this week need their own billing. Mark has been taking fashion tips from the male "beauty" on the CW's Beauty and the Geek, and is sporting a sleeveless shirt stolen from Bruce Springsteen...in 1987.

Mark and Kym will be doing the mambo...and it should be quite a challenge, as her breasts and his face appear to move independently of everything else. In another bit of "irony," the pair dances to Must Be the Money. The result looks like what you'd see in a dance bar, after six Long Island Iced Teas, just before last call. Desperate flailing by someone who thinks he's much more attractive than he actually is.

Merry Christmas! I got you a case of lock jaw. Please don't return it.

Somehow, Kym's front stays covered, thanks to an entire roll of double-face tape. Hopefully they will use the adhesive on Mark's face next week so he stops making those awful expressions. Carrie Ann even mentions the man's face seemed to be working twice as hard as the rest of him. The review from Len is cowardly, however, as he struggles not to offend Cuban...a courtesy he only extends to people who have more money than the entire nation of Guam. Bruno is more to the point, describing the dance as a bulldog chasing a squirrel. 18 points for Mark and Kym.

Wayne Newton and Cheryl are third, and they've spent the week prepping a quick-step, working their rehearsals around his concerts. During the video, Cheryl tells Wayne to "give us some Elvis hips." He does, but unfortunately it's Elvis's hips after August 16th, 1977.

Trust me, this hurts us more than it hurts you.

Wayne's face, unlike Mark Cuban's, never moves, and Newton and Cheryl dance about to Viva Lost Wages...but it's more moderate-mosey than quick-step. Tom Bergeron praises Wayne for still breathing, then goes to the judges for their assessment. Bruno, too, cites the absence of speed as a problem, and Len, not fearing retribution from a lowly singer no matter how famous, goes for the jugular, telling Wayne there was no improvement from last week. Carrie Ann can't bring herself to be mean to the legend, and merely thanks Wayne for being there. Only 15 points is awarded.

Marie Osmond and her partner Jonathon have decided to mambo, and the video shows Marie admitting she's out of shape. Points to her for honesty. I still can't bring myself to dislike her, but watching their mambo, I couldn't help thinking of her old T.V. show. Then the cameraman got a shot of Donnie in the audience and that sealed it. I was suddenly watching Nick At Night. There was another Osmond brother there, too...it doesn't really matter which one, though. I always found the brothers interchangeable, with the exceptions of Donnie and Jimmy.

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Posted in Dancing with the Stars by CattyFan at 8:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)
Last Comment: chooch850 on Oct 4, 2007 04:32 PM.