Every time I turn on my T.V. I see a promo for Cheryl or Kym or Tony appearing on ET or The Insider, usually saying things that would be better left never uttered. Example? Maksim was on my screen the other day telling the world his favorite dance is the "horizontal mambo." I'm sure we all had our suspicions, but did we really need them confirmed? All it did for me was ingrain the image in my brain of extremely tangled sheets, sprinkled with errant sequins. Apparently T.V. Guide is doing a lengthy feature on the dancers, including important information on their various wardrobe malfunctions and their secret signals to tell the celebrities to improve their posture or remember to smile. Yeah. That'll boost circulation. Not to mention tip off the judges on what facial expression to watch for to discern when a star is screwing up.

At least when I hit the "on" button Monday, I actually intended to see the dancers. And there they were, in all their spangled glory: ten couples readying to, as place-filler Drew Lachey put it, "get their dance on" and vie for my telephone vote.

On the floor first, Sabrina Bryan and her partner Mark. The producers continue to pretend the Cheetah Girl isn't really a dancer, with the video this week showing the pair working hard to learn the jive. Yes, we're supposed to swallow the notion someone who hip hops for a living isn't familiar with fast footwork. As expected, though, the two came out and tore up the floor. Sabrina made the odd choice of wearing black gloves, which created an inverse Mickey Mouse effect and made it appear like a magic trick had gone horribly wrong by occasionally making her hands disappear all together. The "Look, Ma! No hands" thing seemed to work for the judges, who termed it "great," their "best dance so far," and "a seismic event." No waiting-for-something-better-to-come-along 21 for these guys. They receive 27 points. Or, as Drew put it, "Twah-ee-seh-en ouwwa thuree." It's called enunciation, man. Give it a try.

Spirit Wrists

How bad will Cameron Mathison be this week? Well, I'll give you a hint: Edyta's costume is part see through and part missing. The video shows Edyta telling Cameron a tango is the perfect dance during which to demonstrate his acting ability. Having seen his work on All My Children, I fear applying his talents to a steamy tango could make the dance look more like a tea-party fox trot. As I ponder this, as if on cue, we're taken to the soap opera sound stage so we can watch them weave their way through the sets. Yes, ABC, we get it. It's your party and you'll pimp if you want to.

Then, there it was. Poor little tango. Never stood a chance. Flat foot work, no sultry body movements, not even any "ooo, Baby" in the face. If that was his version of acting, it plainly explains Cameron's lack of an Emmy. He's been nominated, but - like this dance - he never brought it home. Carrie Ann agrees with me, reminding the pair this dance should smolder...but Cameron and Edyta were "G" rated. Len gets more descriptive than we've heard all season, wishing out loud for the speed variations and character that never were, but mentioning once again Mathison's good posture. Bruno is less critical, however, and praises the dance. Before the score, Tom Bergeron introduces us all to Brad, the latest victim of The Bachelor, along with Brad's identical twin. Hey! Let's start a pool on what show ABC will plug next. Um...twenty bucks on Ugly Betty. (In Drew speak, that's twah-ee buhs on uhglee beh-ee.) Bafflingly, they get 23 points.

Now it's time for Mark Cuban and Kym. I know this man's a billionaire, but there's just something about him that screams smarmy...like the guy in a bar who strolls up and delivers one of those gems about "having a beautiful body" and actually assumes the girl will go home with him. His expectation of success is impressive, but his presence makes my skin crawl. He and Kym have chosen to do the jive, thereby rescuing me from the anticipated nightmares of Mark attempting to deliver a hot tango...just imagine what his silly-putty face would do. Yikes.

Hold on. I need some more wine...

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Posted in Dancing with the Stars by CattyFan at 8:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Last Comment: weasel dearest on Oct 12, 2007 12:58 PM.