I Don't Think You Can Handle This - 
by B-Side
Time to issue yet another TVgasm apology. The Dancing with the Stars recap is very late this week because, well, I honestly didn't watch the show until late last night. Truth is that sometimes you just need a break from all the fancy footwork. It's one thing to pad the show out to 90 minutes (sometimes two hours) every week, but then with the hour-long results show too -- man, that's more than one human being can handle. And with Master P woefully eliminated, was there really any pressing need to watch this show on time this week? Not really. Plus, Survivor was on. But fear not. I have now slogged through this very Miami Sound Machine week of dancing and am ready to fully report to you, the viewer.
One thing I noticed right off the bat was that this week's competition would be special. How did I know? Well, the celebs would have to perform two dances, and furthermore, we were only about thirty seconds in before Samantha had her first major flub. And let's not forget the unsightly gaffe of a cameraman wandering into frame. Chaos was in the air. Would the show deliver?
Stacy & Tony
First up were the dynamic duo of Stacy and Tony. As usual, we were treated to a silly behind-the-scenes looks at training, which culminated in Stacy fretting that she just couldn't get into character. Hey, I have an idea! Go on a field trip! Sure enough, that's exactly what they did. The two headed to a Samba club (samba was the dance of the week) and observed as some feathered dancers shook what their momma gave them. I particularly enjoyed one moment when our stars were ogling the dancers right in front of a table of diners who seemed completely oblivious to the entire scene. Those people's noses were firmly planted in their menus. True, a TV camera, two minor celebs, and a couple of exotic dancers are eye-catching, but they're nothing compared to the Club Sandwich Special. Grrrowl! That dish comes with fries!!
Anyway, Stacy and Tony took to the stage and began shaking their rumps to the seminal rump-shaking tune of "Bootylicious." And let's just say that no, we could not handle that jelly. Once again, Stacy blew away the crowd and judges as she shook, swiveled, vibrated, and undulated her ass in directions I didn't even think were possible. Old codger Len Goodman was rendered speechless, finally saying, "It was saucy, it was sexy, it was superb." Ew, Len totally had a boner.
Carrie Ann then honed her inner Paula Abdul and gave Stacy and Tony a standing ovation, later noting, "I think you're getting better than some of our professional dancers." Ouch. That's harsh. I wonder who she meant... Ashly Delgrosso perhaps?
Finally, Bruno piped up with his dependably loud and blustery comments, this time saying, "You are a weapon of mass seduction!" And like trained monkeys, the crowd roared to this very Sex in the City-ish pun. (I can just imagine it: Carrie narrating: "I couldn't help thinking, have I been on a useless search for a weapon of mass seduction?" Cut to Kim Catrall: "Honey, you don't need a weapon of mass seduction. You need a weapon of mass erection." This would then be followed by some camera mugging, then some Miranda eye rolling and Charlotte shock and... cut. We have a fresh new episode! Now send me an Emmy.)
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